In their most recent effort to be more friendly and interactive Facebook is constantly asking me “How do you feel?”  Seriously?  A computer program wants to know how I feel?  Hey Devs, this isn’t the Matrix…  Does that mean I’m “unplugged” and living in the real world while all the people who are sucked into thinking that Facebook actually cares about how their feeling are still trapped in the system?  Lol.

But on a more serious note, to have emotions, to have stirrings… maybe even all the way up to “feelings” (to summarize Johnny Depp in the last Pirates movie) is something that I built a wall against a long time ago.  I used to have dreams and passions.  I wanted to:

Be the Worship Leader at church
Have a non-profit business and host regular retreats for women who need to relax and recharge
Become a music teacher
Start a home for crisis pregnancies and provide education in both life and job skills
Own my own business
Become a Certified Counselor and help people with their problems
Build myself a house on the Oregon Coast
Go to Hawaii
Be a professional event coordinator/party planner
Have my own band
Have a free soup kitchen for anybody – not just the homeless
Become an architect
Build a community of like-minded people and live off the grid in the middle of nowhere

And I’m sure there were more but those are the ones I can think of right now.

None of these things have happened and over the years my dreams have slowly died, withered, shriveled, crumbled, faded and blown away.  It was kind of hard to even remember most of these to write them down, wow.

The Bible says that “without a vision the people will perish”.  What do you do when you lose your passion for reaching the stars?  When you realize that you can’t help anybody because you’re simply existing and don’t have anything extra to give anymore.  You pack up your emotions, your feelings, dreams and desires into little, tiny boxes and hide them someplace no one will ever think to look.  And then you build a wall around your boxes and plant a thorny bush at the base of the walls.  Your boxes are safe there, nobody can touch them or hurt them.  After a while you forget where you put them and they become safe from you too.

How do I find my missing boxes of emotion?  How do I feel again?  How do I start dreaming once more?  God help me but some days I feel like I’m a Terminator – living flesh on the outside but nothing human on the inside, just a bunch of gadgets and gizmos that keep everything running.

This is depressing – I meant to write something happy today!  All right, here’s the happy part – I’m going to pick something on the list and do it!  Unfortunately Hawaii is not an option right now  😦   However, I think I can pull off a retreat for a dozen ladies and then if everything goes well maybe form a non-profit to continue it.  There’s several rental houses (with hot tubs!) in the mountains not far from here that would hold 12 – 14 ladies and I think the cost would be about $150 per lady for 2 nights and 3 days (that’s lodging, food, supplies, everything).  Is that unreasonable?  Oooohhh… I’m getting excited now, planning things makes me happy!  Now to find a dozen women who want to get away for a weekend with no husbands, no kids, just God and Girlfriends…  Wish me luck!

Advertisements