WARNING – VERY CANDID MARRIAGE POST…

So over the last week or so my husband has said to me several times:  “I know I’m the head of the household but I’ve let you be more in charge (of our sex life) for this period of time (the 2 months I gave him to deal with his pornography addiction and to stop being controlling and selfish – I want to see that he’s put serious effort into changing his ways)”.  That statement he has made several times makes me think that he feels like he’s “giving” me control that is rightfully his and aint he such a grand guy for doing so…  And then just the other day he said it again but added this little gem to the end “but the day after this is over we’re going to have sex 8 times.”

I wanted to throw up.

And then he tried to say it was a joke – because he’s not a young man any more and the best he can manage is twice.

I just may take up drinking…

The next night I asked him for clarification on that statement and he came up with some gibberish about “now that I like it more” he expected we would be having sex more often than once a week (as per our current agreement) but less than we were before the two months (which was at least daily, sometimes twice).  I don’t like sex any more or less than I did before I confronted him on his addiction, which is to say I could take it or leave it and be perfectly happy either way for the rest of my life.

His heart is not changing, he’s become a wolf in sheep’s clothing to make me think that what I want is important to him too and that his addiction is not in control of him anymore.  My heart is changing.  I want this marriage to work less and less with each passing day.

The “official” Two Months ends April 6th, a mere 15 days away and the whole Prince Charming Act stopped approximately a week ago, which means he “changed” for about 5 weeks, breaking his previous record of being super nice for 3 weeks.  It was amazing while it lasted but the “I Love You’s” have almost dried completely, he rarely says it in person but he will still say it at the end of phone calls although it’s more of an afterthought now because he says “Goodbye. <pause>  I-love-you-goodbye.”

The non-sexual touching requirement started as long nightly back rubs (which were really nice) where he carefully avoided my girly areas and have now become much shorter back rubs followed by longer periods of sexual touching and then he says “We don’t have to unless you want to”.  Really?  You mean I actually have a choice after all of that?  He’s started coming into the shower with me, uninvited, so we can “soap each other up” and “spend time together”.  This morning I said no to a joint shower and he said “Well can we have sex then?”  He is still sooooooo addicted and has been trying very hard to fill that void with just seeing and touching me but it’s not working, I know where this is going – we’re headed right back to me being his blow-up doll and after that stops being enough he’ll be getting his jollies on the computer again.

He is still going to his addiction counselor but says it’s “not very helpful” and encourages me to stop going to my counselor since I’m not coming home with glowing reports of major change in my life after my sessions with her.  When I mentioned that after our 6 free sessions through the EAP were over that we should go marriage counseling together he was completely shocked and made it clear that he feels that we shouldn’t need counseling past our 6 free sessions, in fact, he isn’t sure he wants to complete the 6 free ones…

My counselor gave me a book about boundaries, it was from the 80’s and a quick easy read.  I read it and then gave it to him and he read it and said “This is anti-men and pro-feminist, why don’t you find a Christian book about this topic?”  So I went to the Christian bookstore and found “Boundaries in Marriage” by two Christian doctors – Dr Townsend(?) and Dr Cloud(?), and I read it on the bus commuting to work and it was excellent, very much based in scriptures and balanced in dealing with both men and women’s boundary issues.  After reading BIM I can totally see how I’ve never really had my own identity (they call it “boundaries” in the book) and it provides an amazing, Biblical explanation for the “Two shall become one” scripture.  The BIM book says that each person has to be a whole person in themselves, so we need “two-ness” before they can ever successfully “become one”.  I don’t think I’m putting it exactly right so please to read the book yourself but I tried to explain it to my husband this way “Because of the ‘two shall become one’ scripture I gave up being myself to be you when we got married because you are the head of the household and I thought that was what I was supposed to do.”  His response?  “No, you gave up yourself to become ‘us’, just as I gave up myself to become ‘us’.”  I was flabbergasted.  What on earth did he give up about being himself when we got married?

Now I’m just getting mad.

I gave him the BIM book to read so he reads the opening statement and then asks me in an angry sort of way “Are you having me read this because I need fixing or is this because we both need fixing?”  Wow.  The book helped me see how my upbringing has created me to be a person with very few, if any, boundaries – essentially I’ve been a giant doormat my whole life.  I told him this and that the book is helping me deal with me but I want him to read it for himself AND for us.  He says “OK, I guess I’m just a little paranoid, sorry.”  So he has the book but I never see him reading it…

Oh – to top everything off my eyelids have started twitching.  For about a month my left upper eyelid would contract randomly and just feel weird and just yesterday my right upper eyelid started doing the same thing.  I looked it up online and stress is listed as a possible cause of eyelid tics/twitches.  Wonderful.

Anyway, a miracle is still possible, I totally believe that because anything is possible with God, but if He’s going to do a miracle to fix my husband He’s also going to have to do a miracle to change my heart as well because I want less and less to be a part of this marriage as time goes by.  This isn’t worth it.

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