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Oh Lord, help me.  My husband went out-of-state Friday and will come back late today (Monday).  On the phone he asks me  “Do you miss me?”

I had to answer yes.  It’s a lie but how could I possibly tell him “No”?

The Truth, which in this case would make my life far more difficult and complicated rather than setting me free, is that it’s been a glorious weekend without him and I didn’t miss him a bit.  It was truly a stay-cation because he was gone although saying that would be mean and uber-hurtful to him.

Friday was a super-late night and so Saturday I slept until 3 pm – normally by noon he can’t stand it that I’m still in bed and comes to wake me up and make me “be part of the family”, which consists of me making everyone a meal and then sitting upstairs in the living room and watching movies together for the rest of the day.  Honestly, I’d rather go back to bed and sleep the day away because between my sleep apnea and insomnia I need sleep far more than I need to sit with my family and watch movies…especially when we don’t hardly speak 10 words to each other all day.  “Family time” indeed .  Sunday I was ready to wake up at 10 am because I had actually slept enough on Saturday!  I also didn’t go to church Sunday because he wasn’t here to make me go.  (I’ve noticed that when I’m out-of-town on a Sunday, most of the time, he doesn’t go to church either so I find it somewhat hypocritical of him to feel it’s necessary for me to go all the time but whenever I’m not there he stays home…but that’s another post…)  I even got to spend some 0ne-on-one time with each of my children and also with our adopted neighbor girl, which was loads of fun and something I’ve never  been able to do before.

Even though it’s after midnight and officially Monday for me it’s still Sunday night because my pills haven’t kicked in yet and I’m not asleep… but my husband comes home “tonight”.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dreading it, I’m just mentally mourning the end of my free time.  For all the smack I talk about him he is trying really hard to be a nicer guy, including going to counseling, telling a select group of men about his addiction and they are doing a good job of holding him accountable.  He’s railing in his temper more and apologizing when he fails to keep it under control – both to me and our girls.  He says he loves me more, which is nice but there’s no passion behind it, they’re just words in the same way that there is no passion in our intimacy, it’s just sex to keep his hormones under control.  He’s a pretty good roommate and I enjoy his company but I don’t miss him when he’s gone…or when I’m gone.

I think he has wounded me too much for me to have any kind of passion for him and I don’t think he ever knew how to have passion for a woman, not any of his past girlfriends and definitely not for me, his wife.  What he may think is his passion for me I’ve only ever seen as lust for sex.  He is finally, after 19 years of marriage, trying to dampen his sex drive and create some sort of passion but at the moment it’s too little, too late and I’m completely uninterested.

I don’t want a divorce, I don’t want a lover and I’m not homosexual.  I think I just want a little bit of space.  I want it to be OK that I don’t like sex.  I want it to be OK that I don’t want to spend every moment with my husband and children.  I want it to be OK that I like my husband and children…but not love them. I feel like wanting those things makes me ungodly and that makes me wonder if I’m really saved.

I think my heart must have a broken piece or two in it because it sure doesn’t love like everybody else’s does.  I am damaged and I’ve been in Survival Mode, or Self-Preservation Mode or whatever else you want to call it for most of my life that my real heart is buried so deep and so far away that I don’t even know how to find it.  And should I ever find it, how would I break down the walls I built around it?  It is too much for me, my walls are stronger than I am because I poured parts of myself into making the mortar and stones and now those parts are gone from me, they fortify my walls and no longer strengthen me.

“Do You Miss Me?”  My poor family, they deserve better than a broken wife and mother but I’m the only one they’ve got.  I deserve better than a dysfunctional family but they are the only one I’ve got…and my husband and I are equally responsible for its dysfunction just as my mother and father were equally responsible for the dysfunctional family I grew up in.

There must be more than this but I don’t even have the will to look for it anymore.  All I want to do is get the girls grown up and on their own and then we’ll see what sort of relationship can be built with their father when it’s just the two of us.

I made a promise, 19 years ago, till death do us part.  When your heart dies but your body lives on – does that count?  Dry Bones, you will live again – I have to believe…I just have to believe.

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Or at least that was a saying when I was a child.  I always thought it was just because people who thought they were Righteous needed a reason to explain why they never got any rest without having to place themselves in the Wicked category.  I would like some rest… does that make me Wicked?

I haven’t blogged for a while.  So let’s try for a quick update – while my life has been pretty good since my last blog (hence the lack of writing – does that make me a whiner?) here is what I remember:

SUPER GOOD – I went to Reno with my best friend from high school and we had an SOO MUCH FUN together, we even went down to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon.  I saw my child exactly once for about 5 minutes as I brought her breakfast the first morning.  She never did tell me when and where they were going to perform so I didn’t get to see it.  I did not come home with a tattoo <slightly sad about that> but I’m still thinking really hard about getting one.  The best news ever is that my daughter did not get any migraines requiring me to take her to the ER but I’m still glad I went!

OK – I have continued to see my husband’s counselor with him, this last session wasn’t terribly productive, I think the counselor talks a little bit too much about his own life that I don’t see as applying to us but he did manage to bring up a question or two that was good food for thought until the next meeting.  That hour goes fast.  Thank goodness for the EAP program or I’d feel like I was wasting my money on the co-pays, ugh!

SAD – One week before school ended my youngest (musical) daughter, who has poured her heart into the three music classes she’s taken this year, was cut from her very favorite class, the jazz choir, exactly 5 minutes after her boyfriend dumped her so she had a miserable last week of school but she is very glad it’s over and seems to be feeling better about it now.  I’m debating on whether or not I should say anything to the choir teacher.  Half of me is mad at him, I’m upset that he seems to be unwilling to deal with the issues that go along with her head injury, I feel like he doesn’t believe she has a real medical condition and dropped her because he thinks she’s a flake.  The other part of me is relieved I don’t have to fight with him for another year about being a chaperone on all of her out-of-town trips and just plain ole doesn’t to talk to him anymore.  Yes, I’m a very non-confrontational person which means if I’m confronting you I’m usually VERY UPSET with you.

BAD AND GOOD – My husband has made great improvements in becoming a nicer guy but now that the two month “probation” period has been over by a couple of months most the things that he was doing to prove to me that he loved me for more than sex have pretty much evaporated.  All the “romantic” stuff is completely gone, he hasn’t given me a back rub in almost two months, hasn’t opened my car door for at least a month and I’m pretty sure that all his compliments dried up a couple of days after the two months was over.  In short, we’re very nearly back to where we were before the two-months except for a few certain things.  He has become more relaxed about my being late, which is one of his biggest buttons that I constantly seem to be pushing because I’m just not a very on-time person – never have been.  Also, he’s been quicker to apologize to both me and our children when he has spoken to one of us in “high emotion”, I’m getting a nice email from him almost every day at work and he is definitely being more open about how he feels when I ask him.  I know changing your entire self is difficult and I can see that he’s working hard at it so I’ll be content with the relationship we have for now.  No promises from me that this marriage will last forever but we just passed our 19th anniversary, that’s a pretty good record in this day and age.

BAD – I thought my job was going quite well… until I received an Employee Improvement Plan two weeks ago.  Apparently I have a month (two more weeks at this point ) to stop making mistakes or I will be “Disciplined or Terminated”.  Oh goody.  I think what’s really going on is I’ve not been “good enough” for a couple of the attorneys that hold some power in this office and they want me gone but we’ll see in the middle of July how that goes.  I can only do my best.  As punishment for my past mistakes (or perhaps so they can snoop through my desk easier) they took away my flex schedule which gave me a half day every Monday and I worked until 6 pm Tues – Fri so I could still have a full 40 hours.  I’m thinking that by my leaving at 5 pm they don’t have to stay until 6:30 to look through my work and check up on me – now they only have to stay until 5:30, ha, ha.  Unfortunately for me, I felt like I did my best work during that peaceful, quiet, uninterrupted hour between 5 and 6 pm when hardly anyone was in the office.  That’s definitely not going to help me during this month’s probation at all.  Can you get unemployment when you’re fired for “Unsatisfactory Job Performance after almost two years of employment?”  If I lose my job I lose my benefits and neither I or my daughter can get the medicine we need to stay on top of our medical conditions so yeah, I’m a little stressed.  Maybe I can start a daycare in my home…  although I did find a job with the County that I think I’ll apply for, the cut-off date for applications is right about the time my month of probation should end, then maybe I can give my two weeks at that meeting instead of getting fired, wouldn’t that be nice?

GREAT – I received and finished a transcription job last weekend and am waiting for the check to come, hopefully this week.  It should go straight to bills but I want to keep a little bit of fun money out for myself.  Is that wrong?  I earned it, 100%.  It’s outside my job and outside the budget… if only we weren’t so behind, ugh!

FUN – Speaking of being behind I have become a consultant for a direct sales company and am trying to get that going for  some extra cash.  I love having the “parties” with good food and meeting new people, hopefully this will help pull me out of the doldrums as well as help us get out of debt.

REFLECTING – So all in all my life has been, and continues to be a roller-coaster.  I appreciate everyone who follows my blog, I hope you’re getting more out of it than I am, lol!  I’m just writing it all down to sort it out, re-organize it and decide how I feel about it before absorbing my life’s events back into my head again.  Kind of like when you clean Grandma’s basement.  It’s so packed with stuff piled everywhere that the best way to deal with it is to pull piles out of the room, sort them into your Keep, Donate and Toss piles and then put the Keep stuff back in the room, pull another pile out and do it all over again.  That is what this blog is for me.  That oddball space where I can pull things out, write them down and try to decide how I feel about them, what emotions connected to each event should I Keep and which should I Toss.

And there I am, laid out bare for you to see.  What do you see by the way?  I hardly ever get feedback on my posts…  Am I just an interesting read and ya’ll go off talking about the crazy lady online when you’re done?  Talk to me…what are your thoughts about what I should do next?  Help please!