You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2013.

Yep, that last post was me venting.  It was 100% true, I cried as I wrote it and again when I re-read it but now it’s over.

I still want to love and be loved like that but I remembered something in the last day or so since I blogged “Damn My Heart”:

I married my husband KNOWING he would never be all those things to me.  I married him KNOWING he would possibly never be ANY of those things to me.  Why I married him is a whole ‘nother post and would probably give some psychology student out there a doctorate but to sum it up – due to my upbringing I was super insecure and had a HUGE unworthiness complex.  One of my main reasons to accept my husband’s proposal at age 19 was that I deserved to spend the rest of my life with someone who was not able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.  Yes, I had so much self-loathing all through my childhood and high school that I punished myself with a life-long marriage I knew I would not enjoy.  Mothers, PLEASE be careful how you treat your daughters!  If nothing they do is ever good enough for you why would they possibly believe they deserve a good man and happiness for the rest of their lives?  I’m living proof right here, been there, done that, have the wedding ring…

Before I go any further – if you are one of the “lucky” few who know who I am and who my husband is please DO NOT go talk to him about my last post (or any of them for that matter) and try to “help” me.  You are not my Robin Hood.  I blog to sort things out in my own head, you’re here to “listen” and pray for me if you pray.

Since I lost my job at the beginning of September I have had such peace in my heart, knowing that God is in control and that everything will be OK.  I really believe that God spoke to me and said “This is not about you, it’s about him”.  (Him being my husband.)  In spite of not having my own income, wondering if we’re going to lose the house and how the utilities will get paid this month I have been almost deliriously happy with going to school for my new career and I am trusting God to provide for me more than ever before.  The peace and joy I have are amazing!

Why won’t I trust God to change my husband?

For some reason my heart believed that my financial woes were smaller than God and therefore He could fix them but my husband was so much of a project that not even God could turn him into Prince Charming.

I was wrong.

I have seen an incredible amount of change in my husband in 2013, he has worked really hard to not just be a nicer person on the outside but on the inside too.  He has met my every demand to improve our marriage.  We are communicating better.  Our children like him more now than they did a year ago.  I could list a lot more things but I need to wrap this up and head off to school so in short – God IS changing him.  It’s me who is impatient and wants the “just add water” to get an instant Prince Charming.  I need to be more grateful for the changes God has made and stop complaining that my husband hasn’t reached the finish line yet.  It took him about 20 years to become the jerk I married, it’s taken another almost 20 years of marriage to change away from being a jerk to become the nice guy he is today, it may take another 20 years to get my Prince Charming but if I quit now somebody else will get the Prince Charming that I have prayed for and and cried for and waited for so long.

I still want, desperately, to be loved desperately.  But my heart is in a better place today.  I’m choosing to trust God to fix my husband so he can meet my needs.  My prayer for most of my marriage has been that God would either fix my husband or kill him and get him out of my life and my children’s lives permanently.  (I have told my husband this so stop freaking out, he knows.)  That prayer sounds a little harsh but every day my husband stays alive is a message from God to me that He is not done with my husband yet and it gives me hope.

Take hope, God is bigger than my problems and He is bigger than your problems.  Everything – and I mean everything – will be OK.

Advertisements

So I stayed home from school sick today, slept in until 1 pm (which was wonderful) and then I went upstairs and had a Beauty and the Beast marathon (the first season is on Netflix) for four hours and never once got out of my jammies.  <sigh of contentment>  I think everybody needs a day like that every once in a while – where you’re just sick enough to legitimately stay home but still enjoy the time off…

So what’s with my subject line?  It’s the “Beauty and the Beast” show.  There’s something about “impossible love” that is soooo romantic to me (I blame Hollywood) but the very thing that makes it romantic puts it firmly in the “never gonna happen” category and THAT plants seeds of discontent in my heart about my real life.

I want to be romanced.  I want to know he is always nearby and ready to jump into any situation and defend me.  I want to love and be loved so much that I feel like I can’t breathe when we are apart… and that he feels the same way about me.  I want passion for him and I want him to have passion for me, good Lord how I want passion in my life…

I don’t think wanting these things are wrong but wanting them when I don’t – and probably won’t ever have them – will either kill me or drive me to adultery and ultimately, divorce.

Both are bad.

God save me.

I’ve stayed away from romance novels since I was in high school and I’ve also tried to limit my watching of sappy “chic flicks” because I know they raise my “love” expectations to an unrealistic level and I’ve worked really hard to guard my heart.  Now, I’m 40 years old.  I’m not a super model and in spite of losing over 30 pounds in the last 18 months I still have lots of “cushion”.  I have two kids and a 19 year-long marriage.  Life has thrown me some real curve balls in this last two years in every area and I feel like I’m finally growing up and discovering myself – and I’m realizing that want more than I have settled for.  Damn my heart…

I feel like in order to survive the rest of my life I need to give up my desires.  I need to stop wanting to be “desperately loved” and I need to stop longing for passion.  I need to put my heart in a box, bury it and walk away.

I don’t want to.  I really, really don’t want to.

But I doubt my  marriage can survive me getting my way.

Now I see the wisdom in being Peter Pan and never growing up.  I wasn’t happy before I started my journey of self-discovery but I didn’t know how miserable I was either.  It’s probably a really good thing I’m changing my career and becoming a Nail Technician.  It’s fun, fun, fun and distracts me from the rest of my life.  Hopefully it will be a good enough adventure that I can forget about what I don’t have… as long as I stop reading and/or watching anything with romance in it eh?

OK, so maybe it started in August and ran over a bit into October…  Here’s the rundown, and my apologies for not having blogged for so long but I think you’ll understand:

August 27th – I turn 40.  (Not entirely bad news, it’s just a number, right?)

August 30th – Our washer and dryer died.

September 1st – Our hot water heater caught on fire and needed replacing.

September 4th – I lost my job and signed up for unemployment.

September 9th – We are not eligible for food stamps.

September 13th – GOOD NEWS!   I signed up to attend a beauty school’s Nail Technician program with my husband’s somewhat skeptical blessing.  I’m tired of the office life!  I have wanted to be a Nail Technician since I was in my early 20’s but the money and the time to go to beauty school never made it to my house at the same time so to make money I did what I was best at, answering phones and office work… for 20 years…  and now the opportunity of a lifetime, a miracle has come my way!

 September 16th – MORE ABOUT THE SAME GOOD NEWS!  My first day “back to school” and it was soooo weird after over 20 years.  I brought my paper, pen and pencil and I was so excited that my girls made fun of me and I didn’t care a bit!   I should graduate sometime in January of 2014 so it’s roughly four-and-a-half months and almost every day so far has flown by – I go home feeling like I had FUN at school, I really love what I’m learning!

 September 20th – My unemployment claim was denied.  (I am appealing it.)

September 21st – Our oldest daughter turned 18 and we had this HUGE party planned for over 3 months with 10 people invited… guess who spent money, lots and lots of money, that we didn’t have?

September 24th – I lost my phone.

October 2nd – My car died.  Dead.  Seized engine dead.  Over-sized paper-weight dead.  Tacky Red Neck Lawn Art Dead.  Walk to school and be late and then wonder how I’m going to get home dead.  Dead dead.

You know, sometimes so many bad things happen in such a short amount of time that all you can do is sit back and giggle hysterically.  That’s pretty much where I’ve been.  To tell the truth I’m kind of sitting back wondering what else could go wrong and thinking I might want to grab a soda and popcorn to watch the next disaster go down…

But in spite of all that something really good that has happened through all this.  I’m actually  very happy right now, strangely happy right now given all the above circumstances.  I don’t think I need my depression pills any more kind of happy, weird huh?  Somehow, for the first time since I was a child I 100% believe that God is fully in control and everything is going to be OK.  Not Never-Going-To-Have-Another-Problem-For-The-Rest-Of-My-Life-OK but All-My-Needs-Will-Be-Met-And-Taken-Care-Of-OK.  I actually have more peace and trust in God more now than I did when I had my job and was making good money!  Have you ever heard “Blessings” by Laura Story?  I feel like I’m living it…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  I KNOW everything is going to be OK and I haven’t felt that way for a long time.  I guess if this is what it took to get me to this amazing, emotionally stable place then I wish it would have happened earlier!

What my life looks like now:
I’m looking for a job I can do after school and on weekends.
I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business to make us some money.  (I had two shows last month, whoo hoo!)
I’m wondering how I’m going to make up the two house payments and numerous utility bills that we’re behind on.
I’m driving the car my nearby best friend is selling me on payments.
I found a cheaper phone plan and my entire family has new phone numbers <aggravating> so now I don’t have to find my other phone, lol!
We replaced the washer and dryer with used ones but unfortunately had to buy a new hot water heater.
Starting next week I’ll be ready to give manicures and pedicures to paying customers at school now so hopefully I will start getting tips!

Life is life.  God is God.  God is bigger than Life.  Life is going to be OK.   🙂