So I stayed home from school sick today, slept in until 1 pm (which was wonderful) and then I went upstairs and had a Beauty and the Beast marathon (the first season is on Netflix) for four hours and never once got out of my jammies.  <sigh of contentment>  I think everybody needs a day like that every once in a while – where you’re just sick enough to legitimately stay home but still enjoy the time off…

So what’s with my subject line?  It’s the “Beauty and the Beast” show.  There’s something about “impossible love” that is soooo romantic to me (I blame Hollywood) but the very thing that makes it romantic puts it firmly in the “never gonna happen” category and THAT plants seeds of discontent in my heart about my real life.

I want to be romanced.  I want to know he is always nearby and ready to jump into any situation and defend me.  I want to love and be loved so much that I feel like I can’t breathe when we are apart… and that he feels the same way about me.  I want passion for him and I want him to have passion for me, good Lord how I want passion in my life…

I don’t think wanting these things are wrong but wanting them when I don’t – and probably won’t ever have them – will either kill me or drive me to adultery and ultimately, divorce.

Both are bad.

God save me.

I’ve stayed away from romance novels since I was in high school and I’ve also tried to limit my watching of sappy “chic flicks” because I know they raise my “love” expectations to an unrealistic level and I’ve worked really hard to guard my heart.  Now, I’m 40 years old.  I’m not a super model and in spite of losing over 30 pounds in the last 18 months I still have lots of “cushion”.  I have two kids and a 19 year-long marriage.  Life has thrown me some real curve balls in this last two years in every area and I feel like I’m finally growing up and discovering myself – and I’m realizing that want more than I have settled for.  Damn my heart…

I feel like in order to survive the rest of my life I need to give up my desires.  I need to stop wanting to be “desperately loved” and I need to stop longing for passion.  I need to put my heart in a box, bury it and walk away.

I don’t want to.  I really, really don’t want to.

But I doubt my  marriage can survive me getting my way.

Now I see the wisdom in being Peter Pan and never growing up.  I wasn’t happy before I started my journey of self-discovery but I didn’t know how miserable I was either.  It’s probably a really good thing I’m changing my career and becoming a Nail Technician.  It’s fun, fun, fun and distracts me from the rest of my life.  Hopefully it will be a good enough adventure that I can forget about what I don’t have… as long as I stop reading and/or watching anything with romance in it eh?

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