Yep, that last post was me venting.  It was 100% true, I cried as I wrote it and again when I re-read it but now it’s over.

I still want to love and be loved like that but I remembered something in the last day or so since I blogged “Damn My Heart”:

I married my husband KNOWING he would never be all those things to me.  I married him KNOWING he would possibly never be ANY of those things to me.  Why I married him is a whole ‘nother post and would probably give some psychology student out there a doctorate but to sum it up – due to my upbringing I was super insecure and had a HUGE unworthiness complex.  One of my main reasons to accept my husband’s proposal at age 19 was that I deserved to spend the rest of my life with someone who was not able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.  Yes, I had so much self-loathing all through my childhood and high school that I punished myself with a life-long marriage I knew I would not enjoy.  Mothers, PLEASE be careful how you treat your daughters!  If nothing they do is ever good enough for you why would they possibly believe they deserve a good man and happiness for the rest of their lives?  I’m living proof right here, been there, done that, have the wedding ring…

Before I go any further – if you are one of the “lucky” few who know who I am and who my husband is please DO NOT go talk to him about my last post (or any of them for that matter) and try to “help” me.  You are not my Robin Hood.  I blog to sort things out in my own head, you’re here to “listen” and pray for me if you pray.

Since I lost my job at the beginning of September I have had such peace in my heart, knowing that God is in control and that everything will be OK.  I really believe that God spoke to me and said “This is not about you, it’s about him”.  (Him being my husband.)  In spite of not having my own income, wondering if we’re going to lose the house and how the utilities will get paid this month I have been almost deliriously happy with going to school for my new career and I am trusting God to provide for me more than ever before.  The peace and joy I have are amazing!

Why won’t I trust God to change my husband?

For some reason my heart believed that my financial woes were smaller than God and therefore He could fix them but my husband was so much of a project that not even God could turn him into Prince Charming.

I was wrong.

I have seen an incredible amount of change in my husband in 2013, he has worked really hard to not just be a nicer person on the outside but on the inside too.  He has met my every demand to improve our marriage.  We are communicating better.  Our children like him more now than they did a year ago.  I could list a lot more things but I need to wrap this up and head off to school so in short – God IS changing him.  It’s me who is impatient and wants the “just add water” to get an instant Prince Charming.  I need to be more grateful for the changes God has made and stop complaining that my husband hasn’t reached the finish line yet.  It took him about 20 years to become the jerk I married, it’s taken another almost 20 years of marriage to change away from being a jerk to become the nice guy he is today, it may take another 20 years to get my Prince Charming but if I quit now somebody else will get the Prince Charming that I have prayed for and and cried for and waited for so long.

I still want, desperately, to be loved desperately.  But my heart is in a better place today.  I’m choosing to trust God to fix my husband so he can meet my needs.  My prayer for most of my marriage has been that God would either fix my husband or kill him and get him out of my life and my children’s lives permanently.  (I have told my husband this so stop freaking out, he knows.)  That prayer sounds a little harsh but every day my husband stays alive is a message from God to me that He is not done with my husband yet and it gives me hope.

Take hope, God is bigger than my problems and He is bigger than your problems.  Everything – and I mean everything – will be OK.

Advertisements