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Today was the first day of my bi-weekly four-day-weekend and I didn’t feel good so I stayed home from school and slept in a little bit.  It was nice and relaxing although I definitely fighting a sinus infection that wants to move into my head – boo!

My husband had the day off of work (a very rare occurrence) so he and I went out for lunch and had something called Vampire Fries.  When we asked the waitress what they were she replied “garlic fries” and we both said “yes please”… but they were terrible!  Basically it was big spoonfuls of that diced garlic that comes from a jar with a little bit of something green (parsley? cilantro?) and chopped fine mixed in that was just globbed onto the top of normal french fries.  Not at all what we were thinking, definitely not visually appealing, and the flavor was such that neither one of us could finish them.  But the burgers were yummy and it was nice to have a little “date”.

Tonight I am spending the night at one of my two best friend’s houses because I am helping her family move.  I probably should have stayed home to avoid aggravating this sinus infection but she needs me and that’s what friends are for, right?  I arrived about 6 pm with ice cream bars and cookies to give us all a much needed sugar rush and then I helped pack some boxes, moved boxes around, folded laundry and brought boxes to the guy loading the horse trailer…  yes, I did say horse trailer, a co-worker lent it to my friend to use in her move – who knew they could hold so much?  U-Haul aint got nothing on us, lol!

Anyway, I didn’t really do all that much even though I felt like I had and by 10 pm I was feeling absolutely exhausted so I went to bed about 10:30… and then I couldn’t sleep.  Now it’s almost 1 am and here I am, typing another blog post for y’all to read.  I almost said for y’all to “enjoy” but I’m not really sure my blog is all that enjoyable.  Realistic, yes.  Enjoyable, probably not.  Sorry.

Tomorrow (or I guess it’s actually today) my husband and teenagers will be here at 8:30 am so I really should get some sleep but my internal clock is saying I still have another hour before bedtime, lol!  Once they arrive we will load up whatever vehicles show up with as much as we can and head to the new house, a good half hour away from her current house and an extra hour away from my house <so sad 😦 > with the goal of getting the majority of the house moved.  The rest of the move will have to be done in little trips so we’re trying to get all the big stuff taken care of this weekend.

My children are good friends with both of my best friends too and tonight I found out that my younger daughter, the one who JUST turned 17, confided in this friend that her current boyfriend has got her started on smoking vapor.  OK, so I’m Not Happy, that’s a given but what do I do about it?  I suppose that’s the real reason I couldn’t sleep…  I looked the boyfriend up on Facebook.  I think I had done that before at the beginning of their relationship but didn’t look very far into his posts.  Lo and behold, tonight I found a short video of the lad sucking on a bong and then blowing a massive amount of smoke out of his mouth.  I knew I didn’t like him!  I’d been uncomfortable with him from the start but was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, guess I should have listened to my gut after all…  On Monday while she is at school I think I will search this daughter’s bedroom on the pretense of looking for a movie, because she likes to hoard movies in her room, and hopefully I will find something then that I can initiate a candid conversation with but at the very least I can approach my her from the angle of having seen his video on FB rather than let her know that my friend told me what was going on.  Ugh!  Teenagers!  Bad Words, Bad Words!  Grrr…

Yep, that was my day today.   Hopefully that’s reassuring to you because I tend to only post the Freak Out moments of my life.  I’m a pretty normal, ordinary gal with the same issues as most people to one degree or another.   The only “bad” things about today was knowing I’m getting sick and finding out what my daughter is up to…but when it comes right down to it I’d rather know about that kind of stuff right now, when there’s a possibility her father and I can nip this habit in the bud (and hopefully this relationship too), than in another six months.  So God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.

As always, I’ll keep you posted…

It’s only been a couple of days since my last post and already I’m embarrassed by my little tantrum… <she said sheepishly>

My life is not that bad and I know it.  My husband is working really hard to be Mr Amazing and more and more he actually succeeds.  Our finances are the result of circumstances – and a few bad choices  – but we still have a roof over our heads, food on the table and vehicles to get to work in.  My two best friends are great and lots of people think I’m pretty cool.  There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and I know it’s not a train… but I can’t be the only one who has down days and becomes emotionally unstable for an hour or two, right?

Right.

The trick is to grab your bucket, mop up the floor after your little melt-down and carry on.

And by the way, I was tested last year for being Bi-Polar and my doctor said no, I’m not.

Sooooo…  Moving on.

Starting a new year, for me anyway, always brings the desire to set goals for myself, to change my life and become someone better, someone different.  To be that person I am not but wish I was.  This year isn’t much different except I’ve been so busy with my new job that I haven’t gotten around to it as soon as I normally do.  Gasp!  It’s already January 19th!  But the extra time has actually been a blessing because it allowed me to think back over my blogging for the last couple of years.

This particular blog has only been up for just over a year and oh, what a year it has been!  I had a different one for at least a year before that but I deleted it for a variety of reasons I won’t get into now.  The topics were pretty similar though:  marriage issues, church issues, work issues, depression, feelings, blah, blah, blah…  I like to write but don’t feel like I’m very good at it so my main purpose in blogging is to help me sort out my feelings.  It’s very useful for me to write things down and then go over them again and again until the writing says exactly what I’m feeling and thinking.  It’s actually quite therapeutic for me, creating all these blog entries.  I never go back and re-read them but just getting my thoughts and feelings out in print and editing them over and over again until I’m satisfied my post properly reflects where I’m at is strangely calming and soothing to my soul.  I’m weird, I know.

Thinking about the sorts of things I’ve blogged about over the last couple of years I’ve come to realize that the days of figuring out who I am are over.  I am a lot of things, some of them good and some of them bad but all of them are me – and the list keeps changing.  Slowly I lose some things and gain others but they are still me.  I am… Myself.

So what’s next, now that I’m comfortable with who I am?  Starting this year I want to work on the parts of me that I know are important but are still “in the rough”, things that are jagged and splintered and I want to begin smoothing and polishing them until they fit into my life gracefully, adding beauty and joy to every day.  Things like: I Am Lovable.  I Am Valuable.  I Am Deserving of Good Things Happening To Me.

It’s going to be a long road.  I can almost guarantee you that I will have more emotional break-downs and write more of those awful, nitty-gritty posts about the crazy-ness that is my life but everything I write has been and will be true to the way I’m thinking and feeling in those moments – it is what it is.

My family has been working our way through all six Star Wars movies and at the part where Yoda raises Luke’s ship from the swamp Luke says “I don’t believe it!” Yoda replies “And THAT is why you fail.” It always amazes me how much truth you can find in movie one-liners…  This year, 2014,  is going to be my year of Learning How To Believe.  This year I am going to learn how to believe that God Loves Me and when I can embrace that one, simple truth I will be able to accept all the other truths I want to believe as well:  I Can Be A Good Wife, Mother and Friend.  I Can Make A Difference No Matter Where I Work.  I Am Worth Loving.

That is my goal for this year.  What is it you need to start believing?

Fair warning, today I am on the down side of life.  

I did a full set of sculpted pink and white nails on a fellow student at the beauty school today and they didn’t look very good.  Now for those of you who don’t know, sculpted pink and whites are hard to master and I’ve only done two sets previously so I’m not surprised that they looked Really Bad – but she shouldn’t have been surprised either.  To make it worse she kept saying ouch and telling me to be careful when I was using the dremel to shape the nails after I had applied them.  I was honestly trying my hardest not to hurt her but apparently it wasn’t enough.  When I finally finished (after 3 hours) all I wanted to do was burst into tears and run from the room.  To me, it felt like she thought I was hurting her on purpose, that I did a bad job on purpose and she was sorry she offered to be my guinea pig.  Also, I’m fairly certain she’s going to file them off as soon as she can tomorrow.

The world is full of people who will make me feel the same way when I do their nails, how will I ever manage to have my own nail business someday?

And that set my thoughts off into a bad downward spiral:

1.  We owe the state over $4,000 in taxes from 2007 & 2008 and they are going to garnish our wages soon so we might lose our house this year.
2.  Speaking of the house, we are three months behind in our mortgage payments because I lost my job in September and didn’t get another job until November so there’s another $3,000 we owe that we don’t have.
3.  The beauty school wants me to start paying for my tuition (the verbal agreement when I started was “pay what you can when you can” and the lady – who isn’t there anymore – who signed me up knew I had just lost my job and wouldn’t be able to pay anything for a while) and the school might say I can’t go to any more classes until I’ve paid them.  My total bill is $4,000.
4.  Our power bill is over $1800 because we haven’t been able to pay the power company very much since September when I lost my job.  They put us on a payment schedule of $185/mo until March because it’s winter and we have children in the house so legally they have to work with us without shutting the power off but we keep adding more than that to it every month so what’s going to happen in April?
5.  There’s another $5,000 in medical bills floating around out there, unpaid, because of my youngest daughters post-concussion trips to the ER for migraines…  Can anyone else hear Bankruptcy calling our names?  Either that or it’s a winning lottery ticket…
6.  I’m a bad mom.  I just am.
7.  I’m a horrible human being.  My husband has made all these changes, really super-huge changes, for me over the last year and I just wish he would go away because I don’t want to be married anymore.
8.  I’m a 40-year-old failure because I work at a call center.  This has got to be one of the least prestigious jobs I have ever had.  Receptionist is even sounding pretty good to me right now.
9.  I’m selfish and manipulative and wicked and evil…

Oh wait, was that my mom’s voice I just heard?

Crap.

I’m letting my emotions run wild because a dead woman’s voice is still in my head.

Am I going crazy?

Crappity, crap, crap, crap, crap.

I pray all the time for God to change my heart because I KNOW mine is not right.  I cry and weep and beg God to save me, to fix me, to give me His heart for other people.  To restore my faith and renew my passion for Him.

Instead I feel myself sinking beneath the waves once again.

God I believe, help my unbelief!

I’m finding that the hardest thing to believe right now is that I am lovable and that I am savable…

So what is in my life that is good right now?

1.  I have made one good friend and a lot of fun friends at my new job.
2.  The cosmetology students at the beauty school really seem to like me, one of them even gave me a completely unsolicited hug before he left for the day today.  (Don’t get any crazy ideas, he’s right about the same age as my girls.)
3.  I still have my two best friends.
4.  There’s a new nail tech teacher at the beauty school who really knows his stuff and I’m looking forward to learning from him for the second half of my schooling.  Provided, of course, that I can keep attending classes…
5.  I get to sleep in almost every day because of my new job schedule.  I work four 10’s from 11:30 am to 10 pm and love it because this schedule takes advantage of my body’s natural sleep cycle.
6.  I joined the gym at work and my goal is to use the treadmill, elliptical and/or bicycle at least twice a week to start on my goal of losing 20 pounds.
7.  My new schedule at work gives me a four-day weekend every-other weekend, yay!  I want to take some quick “vacation” trips to the ocean and other fun places this year.
8.  I’ve set up a little nail station in my home and have had several people come over and let me do their nails.
9.  I’ve stopped gaining weight and have been holding steady for almost two months now.

So nine good things to counter nine bad things.  I’m not dead so that’s another good thing, eh?  Life goes on and every day is a chance to start over, there’s another one for the good side…

I guess that the moral of the story is that I have more baggage than a Greyhound bus full of musicians but God has brought me to this place where He’s thrown all my luggage off the bus and He is helping me sort through it before allowing me to travel any further.  I don’t like it but recognize that the process is necessary.

If you pray, please pray for me.  A lot.  If you even think you might have somebody like me in your life please love on them without any strings attached, they need it.