Sooo… I’ve gone back to receiving professional counseling, surprise, surprise.  I know some of you are thanking God, because I really needed to a long time ago, and truth be told I’m glad to get back to working on the contents of my dark, little closet again.

First though, let me update you on the good things going on in my life – because even as screwed up as I am inside there is still a lot of sunshine these days:

I should graduate from beauty school next month and be able to take the state boards to become a licensed Nail Technician, yay!  I am soooooo looking forward to that so I can quit my day job at the call center and start working in a salon.  I feel like I have a pretty decent customer base already who will follow me wherever I go so I’m pretty confident about my ability to make a good living in my new career.

After admitting to my husband that I view all of his (very rarely expressed) physical affection as having sexual strings attached and therefore don’t want any affection whatsoever anymore because I don’t feel like he is affectionate because he loves me but because he loves sex – he voluntarily offered to be affectionate ONLY for the entire month of March.  I did not even think of asking him to do this, it was entirely his own idea and I have to say it impressed me very much.  Today is March 25th and he has honored his commitment completely AND been spontaneously romantic as well as physically affectionate with no sex attached.  Mind blown and I have to say that my respect for him has really grown throughout this month.

My youngest daughter broke up with her bad boyfriend shortly after I wrote about it, so that’s older news but very good news.  <happy dance!>

I get to go to the ocean!  The first weekend of April I am going to the coast with my two best friends for four nights and five days and we are just going to have girl time, fly kites, eat whatever we want to and just visit.  I absolutely cannot wait!

As I type this I am eating not just one but two banana popsicles.  Banana popsicles make me happy so this is the appropriate category to put this information, lol!

I’ve just finished a decent sized transcription job, had an offer of another – HUGE – transcription job and I finished my taxes and will receive a refund in spite of the many tax breaks that were lost this year!  All very good news.  😀

Okie dokie, so back to me having feelings, or rather, me NOT having feelings where I should be having feelings.  My counselor asked me about a number of hypothetical situations today such as “If you asked your daughter to clean the kitchen how would she respond?” and I said “Ooooohhhhhhkkkkkkaaaaayyyyy” with a great deal of eye rolling and much exasperation.  And my counselor said “How would that make you feel?”  and I gave a number of answers such as “Like she’s not going to do it” and other things that reflected how I thought my daughter would feel.  Again, my very patient counselor says “But how would that make YOU feel?” and darned if I didn’t know right off the top of my head.  I have trained and conditioned myself for so long not to acknowledge feelings being disrespected, being used, being smothered, being stepped on and so forth because I thought it was the “right” thing to do.  That there was obviously something wrong with me for feeling those negative things.  That it was the Good Christian thing to do.  That I was sinning if I felt those things.

I’m 40 now and I’ve built such a thick wall around feeling anything that might hurt me that it’s hard for me to “feel” anything anymore because the list of things that might hurt me has grown to encompass good things too.  Caring about you might hurt me.  Enjoying something might lead to it being taken away.  Being good at doing something is devastating when nobody else appreciates my one talent.  Loving and being loved kills me over and over again…  So I put my feelings away.  I bottled them up, put the bottle in a trunk, put the trunk in a hole in the ground, planted a tree in the hole and built a fence around the tree.  I dug a moat around the fence, filled it with piranhas and alligators and put the whole thing in the middle of an impassable desert surrounded by mountains a million miles high.  Indiana Jones has nothing on me, baby!

But there have been times, especially in the last few years, that I’d like to feel something, anything.  I’d really like to experience happy feelings but I’ll settle for pain in the meantime.  Now I know why people cut themselves “just to feel something”.  I’ve never cut myself purposefully like that but I came to realize in this last year that I do self-mutilate in a very subtle fashion – I pick at scabs and any other bumps on my skin until they become scars.  I pick at hangnails and peel my fingernails and toenails down to the quick.  Gross, I know, but there it is.  The only form of self-mutilation I could get away with as a kid who had a nurse for a mother and I never stopped after I got out from under her thumb.  Just to feel.

My homework, you could say, for this week from my counselor is to find a list of words that identify feelings and then try to write down different situations this week at work, school or home and how they make me feel and to use the identifying words that I find.  I think I’ve found a good source at this Wikipedia page:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contrasting_and_categorization_of_emotions  and will be referencing that a lot this week.

Also, one of my best friends has introduced me to the “Dress Your Truth”(?) video series and it’s been helpful in identifying my personality type and the personality types of my family, which I think will be very helpful in the days to come.  The author calls it “Energy Profiling” and it includes personality profiling and body type profiling for a complete package.  Some of the terms she uses make me slightly uneasy because of the way I was raised but it actually makes quite a bit of sense and presents each Type as a complete package, which I like.  Google it and check it out if you want, it’s been rather enlightening.

I’m going to do my hair (this time that means I’m going to relax my perm instead of color it) and then I’m going to bed.  Thanks for reading.

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