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And wowzers – seven days after my last, terrifying post I went and saw my doctor just like I said I would.  She put me back on the Happy Pills and boy oh boy, what a difference!  Four days after starting the pills I began humming at work.  At my call center job!  I haven’t hummed while I worked for literally years so I was shocked but very pleased when I realized what I was doing.  Yesterday my good friend from work noticed that I was a lot “lighter” than normal.  Yes, indeedy, the Happy Pills are working!

Interestingly enough, in a conversation with my  husband sometime between my horrible, horrible day and going to the doctor my husband confessed to me that he is “Heavily Depressed”.  I asked him what he is willing to do about it, as in go to counseling or take medicine and he flat out refused to consider either.  Hmmm…  He seems to think that if we can just “fix our marriage” that his depression will go away.  I advised him that, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work that way and it was probably going to take a lot longer to “fix” our marriage than it would to treat his depression.  Neverthless, he remained adamant that he would not get any kind of help.

I just ended my long, four-day stretch at work.  I have tomorrow off, work two more days and then have a long four-day weekend off.  I have a ginormous transcription job that I need to have completed by the time I go to bed Monday night.  Once the job is finished I am going to have a talk with him on my next day off, which would be Thursday, about how I see that his behaviors have been affected by his depression and that I want him to go to the doctor and get some medicine.  If he refuses to get help for this medical condition that damages both him and his entire family there are going to have to be some permanent changes made.

I don’t really want to rock the boat but at the same time I don’t think we can keep living like this. I don’t WANT to keep living like this.  I am clinically depressed and probably have been for most of my life.  I’ve sought treatment three times now, once postpartum, once about two years ago and this last week.  I know I can’t beat this by myself and I know I need help to overcome the effects of depression.  I was actually shocked that I didn’t realize he was depressed before, and probably has been his whole life too.  You’d think living through it I would have recognized the symptoms but I didn’t.  In the end, I know that all this time I’ve just chalked it up to his difficult personality and ultimately he is responsible for his own physical and mental health.  We can only go forward, there is nothing that can be done with the past except learn from it.

If you pray, pray for me, this will be a much harder conversation than the one where I told him he had two months to curb his pornography addiction.  Add to that the fact that our oldest child graduates high school next week, we will celebrate our 20th anniversary this month, I actually made the deadline to apply for taking the state boards in June and am hoping to start my new career in July… and life doesn’t need help getting any crazier yet this issue needs to be addressed.  Our entire family has suffered from both of us being depressed and untreated for years and it has got to stop.  It will stop.

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Oh the joys of being me!  Here’s the roller coaster ride of feelings I  had today:

Overwhelmed
A Failure
Anger
Weary to the bone
Incapable
Suicidal
Hopeless
Unworthy
Faith-less (as in having no faith, not as in being unfaithful)
Rejected
Doubt
Alone
Zero endurance
Panic

OK, so that’s not really a roller coaster ride, that’s a gravity drop ride…

Today was horrible.  The fourth ten-hour work day in a row is always hard on me but this particular Monday at the call center there was non-stop calls from 11:30 am to 7:30 pm, just back-to-back-to-back, with a much higher than average ratio of mean customers than normal.  Seriously people, it’s not my fault you don’t open and/or read your statements and therefore “forget” to pay your bills on time or get interest charges from failing to pay off your promotional financing offers before they expire!

I started my day tired, cried off and on throughout the day because of my customers attitudes and comments and ended the day exhausted and yet, obviously, unable to sleep.  During my shift today I wrote several “Goodbye World” notes in my head – trying to decide what to put on Facebook to make the appropriate people feel guilty and how could I contact my youngest daughters only nice ex-boyfriend to ask him to look in on her when I’m gone.  At some point I realized my thinking was pretty messed up, which only made it worse because then the feelings of “I have no business being a parent” kicked in and only made the urge to off myself stronger.  I really began to feel like I would be doing the world – and especially my children – a favor by not being here.  Towards the end of my workday the calls slowed down and I became a little more rational.  Yes, stop freaking out, I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to get back on some form of anti-depressant because there really is something terribly wrong with me.  (I’m sure that someday this blog will wind up in a clinical textbook about depression and I’ll be reduced to nothing more than a case study, although that’s probably all I am to some of you anyway…)  I fantasize that my doctor will place me on disability because my jobs stress me out so much, but that is just one more fairy tale that will never come true.

I contemplated my faith, or current lack thereof, today.  As a child I loved God with all my heart.  As a teenager I was desperate for the peace my church promised I would have if only I followed God faithfully and did my very best to be a Good Girl.  After high school I began to see that reality was not the life I was told it would be as a Christian.  As a young married wife I slipped further and further away from believing the Christian ideal and now I’m wondering if God would even notice all that much if I cut that last thread and left Him altogether.  But if I don’t believe in God what’s left to believe in?

I have a jewelry open house this Saturday, trying to raise money to pay my school tuition and although I created a Facebook event and invited 50 of my Facebook “friends” to it I haven’t had a single response, yea or nay.  Which leads me to doubt that any of them will come because when everything shakes out I really don’t have “friends”, I have acquaintances.  Lots and lots of acquaintances.  I’ve chased most all the people who might have considered being my friend away by virtue of being mentally disturbed, distrustful and insecure.  I feel so alone, like there’s no one who will help me get out of this hole I’m in and I don’t think I can get out of it myself but I keep trying.  I really want to delete all my so-called friends and actually be as alone as I feel I am but I know I will regret it in the future.  I’m not sure why I’ll regret it but I just know that at some point I will…

My husband, who does woodworking, is all excited for my open house and has been making hand-crafted wooden pens this last week for me to take and try to sell at my fundraiser.  Not to help me get my tuition paid but to get him money to buy more wood because he wants to start a woodworking business from home.

A friend made sure to point out that her contribution to my efforts was limited to prayer.  Good grief, I’m not asking for charity – although standing on the side of the road with a sign asking for donations will probably make me more money than all my efforts to actually earn it will so I may do that soon too – but I wasn’t trying to guilt her into buying anything from me either.  It’s probably me just reading between lines that aren’t there again.  With her it seems like it’s always me reading between those damn invisible lines, I’m always wrong about something.

And that’s the core of what I always come back to.  It’s not you, it’s me.  It’s always something wrong with me.  I’m broken, I’m damaged, I’m wrong, wrong, wrong.  I can’t do anything right.  It’s true, that is my mother’s voice!  She has so much to answer for – although being dead she probably has answered for it by now…  Unfortunately I’m still sorting through all the crap she instilled in me growing up.  I’m 40 and finally realizing that most of it IS crap but I feel like the old dog you can’t teach new tricks to – how do I change the way I think?  The way I feel?  The way I respond to life?  The easier way out is death but honestly I’m a coward.  Too scared to die, not brave enough to live.  Clinging to the mushroom life because the evil that I know is easier than the good that I don’t know.

People in my church avoid me – and to be fair I avoid them now too.  The few that used to speak to me don’t any more and I feel like I’ve been given up as “lost”.  That I’m not worth their efforts anymore.  That I’m beyond “saving”.  That I could change if I would just decide to change.  My suicide would only cause them to “tsk, tsk, tsk” and think in their hearts that they were right.  My staying alive is the only way I would possibly dare to spit in their eye – and that’s pretty good motivation right now.

The next step is to get out of this job and start being a Nail Tech.  Right now I can’t deal with more than one goal.  Raise $1900 to pay my school bill, pass the state boards and start working as a Nail Tech.  After that, who knows?  Maybe reaching one goal will give me the courage to accomplish another goal, like leaving this church with or without my husband.

Okie dokie, so counseling really is paying off this time…

My newest crisis is that although I have finally finished my 600 hours of schooling I need to come up with $1900 to pay my school tuition before they will let me take the state boards to become a Nail Technician.  Since I desperately want to stop working at the call center I am frantically trying to raise the money by selling my artwork, my keyboard and anything I can find around the house to sell….  If I can get the money by May 20th I can take the state boards in June and be working in a salon the very next week – because I have a job in a salon saved for me, all I have to do is get licensed!

My counselor has noticed that I am happier when I am working to accomplish something that I really want to do, lol.

I think it’s hope.

I have HOPE!

Those guys at Red Bull have it wrong, it’s not Red Bull that gives you wings, it’s hope!

So my current plan, raise $1900.  The plan after that, to work in a salon for a year, maybe two and then start my own salon and stop working for other people.  It’s a good plan, I like it!

I Can Do It.