And wowzers – seven days after my last, terrifying post I went and saw my doctor just like I said I would.  She put me back on the Happy Pills and boy oh boy, what a difference!  Four days after starting the pills I began humming at work.  At my call center job!  I haven’t hummed while I worked for literally years so I was shocked but very pleased when I realized what I was doing.  Yesterday my good friend from work noticed that I was a lot “lighter” than normal.  Yes, indeedy, the Happy Pills are working!

Interestingly enough, in a conversation with my  husband sometime between my horrible, horrible day and going to the doctor my husband confessed to me that he is “Heavily Depressed”.  I asked him what he is willing to do about it, as in go to counseling or take medicine and he flat out refused to consider either.  Hmmm…  He seems to think that if we can just “fix our marriage” that his depression will go away.  I advised him that, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work that way and it was probably going to take a lot longer to “fix” our marriage than it would to treat his depression.  Neverthless, he remained adamant that he would not get any kind of help.

I just ended my long, four-day stretch at work.  I have tomorrow off, work two more days and then have a long four-day weekend off.  I have a ginormous transcription job that I need to have completed by the time I go to bed Monday night.  Once the job is finished I am going to have a talk with him on my next day off, which would be Thursday, about how I see that his behaviors have been affected by his depression and that I want him to go to the doctor and get some medicine.  If he refuses to get help for this medical condition that damages both him and his entire family there are going to have to be some permanent changes made.

I don’t really want to rock the boat but at the same time I don’t think we can keep living like this. I don’t WANT to keep living like this.  I am clinically depressed and probably have been for most of my life.  I’ve sought treatment three times now, once postpartum, once about two years ago and this last week.  I know I can’t beat this by myself and I know I need help to overcome the effects of depression.  I was actually shocked that I didn’t realize he was depressed before, and probably has been his whole life too.  You’d think living through it I would have recognized the symptoms but I didn’t.  In the end, I know that all this time I’ve just chalked it up to his difficult personality and ultimately he is responsible for his own physical and mental health.  We can only go forward, there is nothing that can be done with the past except learn from it.

If you pray, pray for me, this will be a much harder conversation than the one where I told him he had two months to curb his pornography addiction.  Add to that the fact that our oldest child graduates high school next week, we will celebrate our 20th anniversary this month, I actually made the deadline to apply for taking the state boards in June and am hoping to start my new career in July… and life doesn’t need help getting any crazier yet this issue needs to be addressed.  Our entire family has suffered from both of us being depressed and untreated for years and it has got to stop.  It will stop.

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