But first an update on “…and She Left”

I’ve officially left the church we were attending for the last 7 years.  I went to see the Pastor last week to shake his hand, smile and let him know I will be attending church elsewhere so please remove my name from the church’s member list… but he wasn’t available so I left a note with the same message.

The first church I tried out was what I thought was a small community church but it turns out it’s actually about the same size as the church I left.  I went there twice, the sermons were good and while the worship was sincere and heartfelt it was really conservative for my taste.  I found some brochures on the doctrine of the church and while I agree with most of them there were a few that  I don’t agree with, such as:  1. The board of elders are in complete control of everything that goes on in the church and are over the two pastors on the “teaching team”.  2. They allow women to be leaders of “sub-categories” but they may not be the head of any department.  3. And they sprinkle instead of immerse for baptism.  All in all, I don’t believe these things are salvational issues but I’m going to try a few more churches and see what else is out there.

It feels so good to know that I have a choice in where I attend church.  Grace is a powerful thing!

And now on to the new news…

I said the “D” word.  Out loud.  To my husband.  Dee-vor-iss.  What I said is that we should start to consider divorce as an option because this, our marriage, isn’t working anymore.  We believe different things regarding church and our faith.  I don’t agree with how he parents our youngest daughter.  While we don’t have The Biblical reason to divorce – adultery – when it comes right down to it he is a bully, he is emotionally/mentally abusive and he even qualifies as having been sexually abusive, although strictly in a requiring-sex-on-demand-even-when-I-didn’t-want-to sort of way.  (Yes, that’s right, it’s technically rape.)  To be perfectly fair, he has made a great many changes over the last two years since I first required that he end his pornography habit, and I must say that I am proud of him for all his efforts because he has, indeed, “kicked it”.  Like any addict, he still struggles with temptation regularly but he has stopped his online and magazine activity and is co-leading a class at church for other men struggling with sexual addiction.  This class has caused him to face some of what his life-long addiction has made him become and as a result of identifying some of his bad traits he is now nicer, easier to talk to and less demanding of me sexually.  In particular, he makes sure to get my permission/acceptance before we have sex nowadays and while he desperately wants us to “make love” it’s only ever sex, for a whole variety of reasons that I won’t get into now.

But even with all the amazing changes he has gone through he is still quick to anger, knows – and regularly takes – the many shortcuts to being frustrated and still has sex on the brain All The Time as evidenced by unsettling, seemingly random comments that he makes consistently.  And recently he asked a very alarming question – two nights ago we let one of our younger daughter’s friends stay with us because she was having difficulties at home with her step-mom, saying she “beat the crap out of her”.  (Yes, it was an exaggeration, the girl had no obvious bruising or wounds but she cried like a terrified child in spite of being 16 years old when I picked her up,) but the first question my husband asked our daughter before I could go pick her friend up was “What did your friend do to make her step-mom beat her?”  Seriously?  There is NO justification for beating a child, no matter what they did.

It’s high time we consider divorce.  Maybe that would allow us to develop a relationship with healthy boundaries, for once.  But I kind of doubt it.  I think my old church, that he is still attending, will encourage him to divorce me and move on, to remarry someone who will be a properly submissive and godly wife to him.

As for me, I am not the least bit interested in marrying again.  I just can’t imagine what would ever make it worth it…

 

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