It’s been 2 weeks and 1 day since I left and in that time I have gone through an entire roller coaster of emotions.
The biggest thing I’ve realized is that I really am afraid of what my husband will say to make me feel bad and that I fall for his guilt trips more often than not, even now that I’m not living with him.  I am not quite as strong as I want to be but I’m getting there.

I’ve also realized I like talking to my husband now that he’s being so careful of my feelings.  We’ve had a couple of in-person conversations and a few phone conversations and for the most part I enjoy the interactions right up until the point where he gets frustrated and starts to guilt trip me into feeling sorry for him, moving back into the house and/or tell him the address where I’m at now.  It usually takes me at least 15 minutes to end the conversation after the guilt/manipulation starts but I’ve been consistently surprised at how much I like talking to him until that point.  It reinforces, to me, that what I’ve been telling people is true.  I don’t hate him and I’m not interested in making him look bad to anybody, I just want to be out of this abusive situation and develop a healthy way to communicate with him because regardless if we’re living together or not, or married or not, we still have two children together and will need to be communicating with each other on a regular basis for the rest of our lives.

Both of my brothers, my father, my step-mother and my father-in-law have responded to my letter that I posted earlier in “What I Told My Family”.  All of their responses were very gracious, they offered to help if they could and wanted me to know they loved me.  A week after I had sent it I realize I forgot to include my husband’s only brother in the group email so I forwarded it to him with an apology for inadvertently leaving them out.  He responded a few days later with a simple “we’re praying for you” and a very formal blessing of sorts, which was a little better than I had expected from him.

My body was in survival mode all these years and in the last week I have been exhausted.  My friends and sister who have medical backgrounds say this is normal and that I should expect to be tired and get sick for a while before it gets better so I’m calling it “crash mode”.  Today was my day off, the first of two days in a row.  Last week I only had one day off and the week before that, the week I left, I had split days off so this is my first proper “weekend” since I left and it was sooo nice to sleep in!  I actually spent the day in my jammies and worked on the taxes all day, which was oddly relaxing and my sister says I should become a tax person to make extra income during the nail salon’s slow season.  Hmmm…

Anyway, that’s basically where I’m at right now.  My older daughter has not responded to my offer to meet with her at a restaurant after she gets off work some evening and my husband says she is very angry with me and to not show up at the house when she’s home alone without “making an appointment”.  I will try emailing her again tonight.  My younger daughter seems to be hellbent on completely destroying her life and leaving no bridge unburned at the moment… but that’s going to be another post, I can’t deal with it right now and there’s really no way to help her.  All I can do is be here and continue to love her and hope she turns her life around soon.

In the meantime I have one more day off and I’m going to sleep in and enjoy it as much as possible!

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