So this morning I actually put on some eye makeup and lip goo and went to work.  Todd’s first reaction was to laugh so I’m thinking that whole does-he-like-me thing is all in my head.  His brother, the man who noticed and commented about me dying my eyebrows at the same time I dyed my hair, didn’t appear to notice at all until the others pointed it out to him.  My female boss gave me lots of compliments and wanted to know if I was going on a date after work.

No, no dates for me.  But it was an excellent opportunity to make a joke using the “Honey” line and I made the most of it.  The brother boss asked (in front of a full house of customers) if I was sure I didn’t have a date and I said “No, only you… Honey.”  And we all laughed.  Todd said “So you admit it.” and I said no, that it was just such an excellent joke I couldn’t pass it up and then we all laughed some more.

It was an extremely busy day and I felt good about how I looked – and – I beat my record and made more money than I had made in a single day up until now so I was pretty happy.  My female boss said we were so busy because I wore makeup today and therefore I must wear makeup every day from now on.  They are so superstitious, it’s kind of cute.

Then I started noticing that Todd wasn’t making eye contact with my made-up eyes at all like normal and at some point he started to give off a vibe that makes me wonder if he’s upset with me about something.  Maybe because I called his brother Honey in my too-good-to-pass-up-joke?  I give up.  I’m not even sure why I want to know if he likes me or not because a positive answer would just ruin everything.  At this moment the male species is better off remaining a mystery to me.

After a long day at work we went to my female bosses apartment for some “non-spicy” soup.  Ha!  Oh, and immediately upon arriving the fiance of my female boss was informed in Vietnamese that I wore makeup to work today whereupon he turned to me and said I looked “radiant” today. Oh boy.  I’m about ready to throw all of my makeup away and go back to being plane Jane, I feel like it’s causing more problems than it’s worth.  There wasn’t much spice in the soup but it builds so by the end of my small bowl of soup my eyes were watering and somebody asked me if I was crying.

Almost.

After dinner we had watermelon, blessedly cool, sweet and take-away-the-spice-from-my-tongue watermelon.  Todd reverted a bit to his normal, joking self while cutting the watermelon but then right after stalked away in a brown study.

Yep, I’m giving up.

In the middle of my watermelon eating I received a text from my younger daughter this evening asking if I knew about Timmy.  Timmy was the orange tabby cat that we had for 13 years and he died today.  My ex-husband called my younger daughter to let her know and she texted me.

I was upset that he didn’t tell me.

I stayed a bit longer until 10 pm and then left.

An hour later my ex-husband called me and tersely informed that Timmy died and he was doing me the courtesy of calling me instead of informing me by text message.  It was our first conversation since we met at the courthouse and filed the divorce paperwork.  After performing his public service announcement he wanted to know why I hadn’t reached out to our older daughter (who doesn’t like me).  He informed me that I’ve really hurt her and I needed to be the grown up here and reach out to her.

He seems to be all about her and it’s gotten worse over the last several years.  A mutual friend has noticed that they have an unhealthy relationship.  Yes, they do.

He did ask if I was safe, I have to give him credit for that.

And I don’t think he could help himself so he closed our phone conversation with another guilt trip saying, again, that he doesn’t know why I left him or why I despise him so much that I wouldn’t even tell him the address of my new place.

Ummm… his parents told him my new address so I didn’t feel the need to tell him and besides, my telling him felt (to me) like I would be giving him permission to drive by and check it out, maybe even knock on my door and try to visit me sometime.  Maybe even give me more guilt trips in person.  No thank you!

He finally hung up and now I’m in my own brown study and I wrote my oldest daughter an email.  It will probably backfire but at least I reached out to her, eh?  Here it is:

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Dear Oldest Daughter,

Dad just called me and told me about Timmy and I wanted to say I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry that he died and I’m sorry I haven’t reached out to you sooner and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.
I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.
I was sad that you didn’t come in to get your nails done like you said you would before your Mexico trip – I hope you had a great time and touched lots of lives down there, I thought about you a lot the day you said you were leaving.
I honestly believe that you don’t really want a relationship with me and that has made it easier for me to say that I’m giving you space instead of owing up to what it really is – I’m afraid to reach out to you because I don’t think you want to be around me and I’m tired of being unwanted.  I feel like I’ve never met your expectations or been good enough for you as a mother or a human being.
Again, I’m sorry, that is a wrong attitude on my part.  I would like to get to know you for maybe the first time and I’d like you to get to know me.  Not the me you think you know but the me I really am.  Maybe we could start over?  Or maybe you could just give me a place to start a conversation from.  Write me a nasty letter and tell me what you really think of me and how much you hate me.  At least we could have some sort of meaningful conversation then.
No matter what, I do love you.
Mom.
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So I’m sad, I’m mad and I’m bewildered on today, the day the cat died.  I think it’s a good time to go to bed.
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