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My trip to see my brothers was fascinating.  I found out that my father had to have three stents put in the week before Labor Day so I changed the order of things and went to see my father first.  He has aged considerably since I last saw him over a year ago, it scared me.  He seems so frail and, well, old now.  Sitting at the kitchen table, looking at him and hearing about his heart procedure my purpose rang out to me loud and clear and I knew what the next thing I am being called to do is.

I am going to move to Montana to be with him.

I got really excited because for the first time in my life I can just up and move to be nearer to my father and get to know him.  He still lives in the town I grew up in and I have good memories from there. I figured I could move as soon as the middle of January.

My daughter doesn’t want to come with me.

My excitement began to die down.  I’m really enjoying living with my daughter and getting to know her again, and she me, both of us finally free to be ourselves and discovering we like who we are.  Most of my money is tied up in my trailer, my car and her car so I would be arriving in Montana and truly starting over from scratch.  I doubt I would be living with my father and step-mother for more than a month while I find a place so I would wind up living alone again and the only people I know there besides my dad and his wife is my step-sister and while she’s a very nice person she seems to be constantly drunk.  Montana is cold and a completely different world than what I’ve lived in for probably 30 years now.

Maybe I don’t really need to go so soon as January…  Maybe I could wait until next summer when Tina has finished her online high school.

When we got back from the trip I didn’t tell my bosses that I was moving away like I had intended to.  Curiously enough, everything has changed at work.  It started slowly, I just noticed a few things at first but every day in the last week things have only gotten worse at work, not better.  My emotions have been all over the place, ranging from anger to giddy to severely depressed.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve made a great big fool of myself with Hank today when I texted him under the influence of a fever after I went home sick.  Honestly, it feels like one door after another is slamming in my face and I’ve lost my Favor from God to be there, working in this place that has been so wonderful to me in this new stage of my life.

I’m going to contact my doctor tomorrow and see if I need a higher dose of my happy pills.  And then I’m going to pray and wait until the beginning of November to make a decision about moving to Montana.

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Well, I had my birthday last month and I have to say that I actually feel younger!  Since January when I left my old life I’ve lost 30 pounds, I’ve been sleeping better, I’ve gotten a wonderful job, have my own place to live and am making a new life with my younger daughter – we are healing together.  My customers at work frequently say that I don’t look old enough to have an 18 year old and it makes me so happy, just one more confirmation that I am flourishing where I’m at.

The high school near my work denied our request to let Tina restart her senior year there so she will be finishing her high school education online and getting her diploma that way.  Now we’re looking for a local orchestra she can join.  I’m pleased that she will get an actual diploma rather than a GED but I’ve been told there really isn’t any difference anymore.  She’s gotten a job at a local business where people can bring their dogs to wash them and absolutely loves it, I’m just super happy that she can bring her puppy to work with her.  We’ve gone back and forth about re-homing her puppy because we just don’t have the time to take care of him and he gets left at home, locked in the laundry room all the time but with this job she can take him to work with her so he gets more socialization, a little bit of training and free dog washes, yay!  At home we are figuring out how to keep everything neat and tidy together and how to balance the fact that I’m still the Mom but she is 18.  At the moment my big rule is that she needs to be home by midnight but she can have friends here to watch movies or whatever.  We’re planning on having parties with lots of teenagers and food, I’m so excited!

Her father, my ex, has been reaching out to her and I’ve been encouraging her to reach back – so far it seems to be better than she expected although he keeps asking her what her opinion is on the last letter I sent him and what she thinks of the divorce… she’s a smart girl and keeps telling him she doesn’t want to get involved and that our divorce is between us.  I’m so proud of her!  He also told her that he doesn’t want anything to do with the person I’ve become which both of us thought was interesting – he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me now that I refuse to be his doormat anymore?  Now that I’m able to stand up for myself and expect to be treated with kindness and dignity?  Too funny!  I wish him a long and happy life as long as he has it somewhere away from me.

My job is going well, I still love working there and adore my bosses – in the most amazing fashion we have established that we are all Very Good Friends and while we haven’t said it in so many words I think it’s understood that nobody is going to be dating each other.  It fascinates me how we can come to those kind of arrangements and it doesn’t get weird or awkward at work.  For my birthday they got me an Apple TV box and took Tina and me to the fair!  We had sooooo much fun at the fair, it was unreal.  They bought gyros and lemonade for everyone and we all played a game or two.  Then we had gigantic smoked turkey legs and made some of those art pictures where they spin the paper and you drizzle paint on it.  I had a blast and loved every minute of it – they are Very Good Friends indeed.

I had a colonoscopy the day before my birthday and let me say that “Jug Of Fun” was NOT FUN AT ALL.  That was the Worst Stuff Ever and I will do whatever it takes to never have another colonoscopy again.  Seriously.  Not sure what I was thinking with that kind of scheduling but it turned out OK and now I’m just waiting for my next doctor’s appointment to find out the results.

Sunday Tina and I leave for a road trip to see my brothers and my best friend from high school.  I’m a little nervous about seeing my brothers because it feels like they are still upset with my decision to leave my ex and want to “fix” me.  But whatever, I need them to see my face and hopefully realize that I’m healthy and I made the right choice and I need to see their faces and decide if I’m going to pursue a relationship with either of them.  I’m very excited to see my best friend from high school though, it’s been at least a year since I’ve seen her and I can’t wait!

Life is good and I am blessed 🙂