My trip to see my brothers was fascinating.  I found out that my father had to have three stents put in the week before Labor Day so I changed the order of things and went to see my father first.  He has aged considerably since I last saw him over a year ago, it scared me.  He seems so frail and, well, old now.  Sitting at the kitchen table, looking at him and hearing about his heart procedure my purpose rang out to me loud and clear and I knew what the next thing I am being called to do is.

I am going to move to Montana to be with him.

I got really excited because for the first time in my life I can just up and move to be nearer to my father and get to know him.  He still lives in the town I grew up in and I have good memories from there. I figured I could move as soon as the middle of January.

My daughter doesn’t want to come with me.

My excitement began to die down.  I’m really enjoying living with my daughter and getting to know her again, and she me, both of us finally free to be ourselves and discovering we like who we are.  Most of my money is tied up in my trailer, my car and her car so I would be arriving in Montana and truly starting over from scratch.  I doubt I would be living with my father and step-mother for more than a month while I find a place so I would wind up living alone again and the only people I know there besides my dad and his wife is my step-sister and while she’s a very nice person she seems to be constantly drunk.  Montana is cold and a completely different world than what I’ve lived in for probably 30 years now.

Maybe I don’t really need to go so soon as January…  Maybe I could wait until next summer when Tina has finished her online high school.

When we got back from the trip I didn’t tell my bosses that I was moving away like I had intended to.  Curiously enough, everything has changed at work.  It started slowly, I just noticed a few things at first but every day in the last week things have only gotten worse at work, not better.  My emotions have been all over the place, ranging from anger to giddy to severely depressed.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve made a great big fool of myself with Hank today when I texted him under the influence of a fever after I went home sick.  Honestly, it feels like one door after another is slamming in my face and I’ve lost my Favor from God to be there, working in this place that has been so wonderful to me in this new stage of my life.

I’m going to contact my doctor tomorrow and see if I need a higher dose of my happy pills.  And then I’m going to pray and wait until the beginning of November to make a decision about moving to Montana.

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