I hurt all the time and I’ve been having troubles with my back, hips and knees so my massage lady (one of my nail customers) has recommended that I stretch more.  When I left my husband I was 217 pounds, the heaviest I’d ever been and after I left him I lost just over 30 pounds and really enjoyed the way I looked.  Then, almost exactly a year ago I had a hysterectomy and started gaining the weight back.  Somehow my tummy has become the biggest part of me and I think it’s trying to be it’s own person… I wish it would hit those teenager years and run away from home sometime soon…

To be fair, when I lost the weight I wasn’t eating well or hardly at all and so I never felt very good while I was looking nice.  After the surgery I couldn’t do much for six-ish weeks except sit, watch movies and eat so it was easy to gain the weight back again.  Now, I’ve sold my trailer-house, packed all of my earthly possessions into two mini-storage units and I’m living with a friend and her family until it’s time for me to move in January.  Bless their hearts, they don’t really have space for me but they’re letting me stay with them anyway.  I sleep on a real bed (wahoo! I’d been on an air mattress for the last 5 months) and live out of my suitcases on the floor – there is no room to stretch out and/or exercise soooooo I joined the YMCA today.

The scale at the Y put me at 218 pounds, officially at my heaviest and knowing that I am officially larger than I have ever been was very depressing and I could almost see my image in the mirror plumping outwards until saw myself as the white, fat chick version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Oh dear God, save me, I’m so big…

I sat in the hot tub for a while and then I went to the not-cold pool and waved my arms and legs around under the water in an effort to accomplish this thing called exercise.  I did it until I was out of breath and figured that was a good start for a girl who hadn’t burned a purposeful calorie in most of 43 years.  Back to the locker room where I showered and changed into my comfy, baggy clothes and then, much to my delight, I found a little tiny area in the women’s locker room that had some exercise equipment in it so I didn’t have to go into the main exercise area (where there were a bunch of guys) so I used two of those machines for a little while and then I went back to my friend’s place feeling good about myself because yes I did, I exercised!

So now I’m contemplating life, the universe and everything.  I’m trying to have as little debt as possible when I  move – I’ve paid off a bunch of things and an working on the rest.  I still have to file my taxes from last year because I owe, for the first time i my life I owe on my taxes, grr!  I was not expecting that so it was one more kick in the teeth from the divorce…

Speaking of the ex, he is getting re-married in February and our younger daughter is having a really tough time with it.  I keep telling her that she needs to give her future step-mother a chance, that this gal could actually be a nice person, but it’s still difficult for my daughter to wrap her head around.  I hope he and his fiance are very happy together and that she is everything he ever wanted and needs because I know I sure wasn’t – but neither was he those things for me.

My love life is  non-existent, I’ve purposefully tried not to date (although it isn’t hard, I have yet to find a single person interested in taking me out on a date) because for the last year I’ve been planing on moving out of state and it would be just rude to start a relationship and then leave.  I have slight hopes that I will find a Cowboy Charming in Montana but ultimately I’m not expecting anything to happen.  I seem to be one of those people that “everybody” loves but nobody wants to date all at the same time.  It’s OK.  Ever since I left him I have been relieved to the point of tears that I don’t have to have sex with anyone anymore.  Ever.  Unless I Want To.  Which I haven’t…

Yep, sex is still a pretty big button with me.  Hopefully I can find a good counselor in Montana, another thing I’ve put off because “I’m moving” and didn’t want to start with a counselor here and then have to switch to someone new just after I’m starting to make some progress.  Ugh.

I’m excited about the move but I’m also nervous and a little scared.  I have no job or housing there, no friends or family in the exact town I’m moving to, as of yet I don’t have any financial aid or student loans secured because I haven’t filed my taxes from last year.  The school I plan on attending starts January 23rd and I’m planning on moving in exactly four weeks.  Oh boy.  But I’ve trusted God to get me this far and His timing has been perfect, I know He will continue to provide for me and everything will be good.

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