This has been such a crazy but really good year, wow!

For outward accomplishments: I started working towards moving to Montana, I took two trips to the ocean, went to Las Vegas and three trips up to see friends and family.  I fixed up and sold my little trailer house, paid off 98% of my debts and went to live with friends for the last 2 1/2 months of the year.  I got a Montana Nail Tech license, applied for cosmetology school in Montana and quit my job.

My internal accomplishments are a little harder to measure but I have to say they are the ones I am most proud of.

The one year anniversary of my divorce came and went without bothering me.  I didn’t even remember it until a day or two afterwards. I even survived seeing my ex for the first time since we filed for divorce at my twin nieces high school graduation where he and his mother rolled waves of anger in my direction and she glared at me (at MY brother’s children’s graduation, really?) until I left early – but I survived, lol!

The announcement of my ex-husband’s engagement filled me with relief, I wasn’t at all unhappy or bitter about it (which kind of surprised me).

I feel like I’ve made a good connection with my older daughter.  It’s not as good as I hoped to have but it’s far better than what it was when we started this year and I am very grateful.  She has started texting “I love you” back to me when  I text it first (still won’t say it to my face” and just once, last week, out of the blue she texted “I love you” to me without me having texted it first so I think we are going to be OK.

My younger daughter is almost finished with her alternative high school and will be graduating on Feb 2nd.  I am very proud of her!  Just recently she has decided that she would like to move to Montana and be with me in July, after the lease on her apartment runs out.  I am excited but not holding my breath.  There’s a lot of time between now and then and the minute she gets a boyfriend I know she’ll change her mind but I’d really like it if she moved up to be with me.  We get along really well and enjoy hanging out together.

Going through several rounds of Angry Asian Bosses throughout the year cured me of any romantic illusions I still harbored about the older brother while at the same time gave me the courage and skills I needed to stand fast in the hurricane of anger the older two siblings at the shop (brother and sister) directed towards me.  This was probably the most important lesson I learned this year and is possibly the reason God delayed my move to Montana until now.  Standing up to angry people is a strength I never had, not ever.  Not with my mom, not with my ex husband, not with my brothers, not with my bosses or co-workers…  not with anyone.  Anger has always overwhelmed me and I melt into a puddle on the floor when other people’s anger touches me.  Even strangers angry at other strangers around me has brought me to tears many times.  Yes, I’m overly sensitive to in a lot of areas, I know…  But the Asian culture is so different from anything I’ve ever known.  These guys truly are my family and have honestly treated me better than my own brothers have.  They all love me very much and I know that without a shadow of a doubt.  They take care of me in so many ways and all of them, but one of the sisters in particular, has probably spent more money on me by buying me clothing, jewelry, meals and  the trip to Vegas in the last 2 years than my ex-husband spent on me in gifts over the 20 years we were married.  But when they are angry they get very angry very fast and it doesn’t matter if they’re angry about incorrect information because they won’t listen to me try to explain – they see trying to explain as being disrespectful.  So I have to sit there and listen to them be angry at me and saying the same things over and over again until their anger has finally died out.  And then when they’re done being angry it’s over in an instant and we’re back to rainbows and unicorns again, gives me frickin whiplash… It’s a painful process.  Questions are allowed and will be answered but they will absolutely not believe me when I say that when I was whispering to a customer or another white worker I was NOT saying bad things about them – or giving them my phone number and trying to steal their customer… in their culture whispers are automatically something bad and never just trying to keep certain bits of a person’s life story private.  <sigh>  But I think I can do it now.  I think I can raise my shield and deflect the anger enough to have a mature conversation with an angry person and walk away knowing for certain whether or not I was truly at fault and that I have done all I can do to fix the situation.  That was a lesson I have needed to learn all my life so I guess now is better than never!

And my heart… I think I’m more open to another relationship than I was at the beginning of the year.  If I do get a boyfriend and consider marrying him I fully expect to have sex before getting married simply because I’m still petrified of tying myself to another marriage bed.  I had sex once, it lasted 20 years and I’m not at all anxious to repeat the experience.  If I wait until marriage, like a good little girl, and then find out it isn’t the partner but sex itself that I can’t stand then I am sunk.  I might as well kill myself the day after the wedding because my life will be a living hell from that point forward.  So yeah.  I’m going to have sex outside of marriage at some point.  Phew!  That was hard to say.  It completely goes against everything I’ve been taught and believed my whole life but I don’t see another way around it.  Maybe I’ll just stay single, but I don’t want to.  I want to love somebody fiercely and be loved extravagantly in return.

I was going to leave for Montana today and go tomorrow to talk to the beauty school about financial aid but they are closed until Monday for the holidays, so I am waiting to leave until next week.  This is such a huge step for me, it’s terrifyingly exciting and I’m getting anxious to go.  There is a homeless shelter in the same town as the beauty school, it’s a Christian ministry designed to help people get back on their feet and I’m hoping that they will let me stay there until my financial aid kicks in and I can afford housing on my own.  Otherwise it’s pretty much going to be living in my car for a month or so because I just don’t have enough to live and pay rent.  But big change requires big sacrifices and this change will be worth it, I just have to get through these next few months, lol.  Pray for me…

Happy New Year’s everyone and many blessings upon your 2017!

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