For the very first time ever I went back and re-read every single blog post I have written here, it was very interesting to see where I’ve changed, remember things I had forgotten and make a few realizations about myself…

The very first thought that popped into my head when I had finished was “I’m not nearly as funny as I think I am!” Ha, Ha!  Oh well, it’s not going to stop me from being me, eventually somebody will think I’m funnier than I do 😉

The next thought I had was “Why have I worked so hard to keep this blog and my identity a secret?  Good grief, there’s really not any juicy details in here at all!”  But the truth of the matter is that if my ex had read this blog while I was still married he would have been so angry with me and I would have lost my safe place to express my feelings.

I feel like I should clarify that he never hit me (or our children) or abused me physically.  I wish he would have because then I would have felt free to leave him much earlier but his abuse was far subtler and took me years of seeing counselors here and there to realize he really was abusive.  Anyway…

Back to this blog – before we were married he found my diary and asked if he could read it.  Stupidly I said yes, believing that we shouldn’t have any secrets between us and after he read it he was upset that I wrote about having feelings for someone else BEFORE I MET HIM.  I should have known then that this wasn’t going to work out but I was incredibly young, dumb and naive… so instead I burned my diary and never kept another paper one because I realized he would always find them and read them if he could.

Dear God, I should write a book about who not to date or marry…

I am not a great writer but it is very therapeutic for me to write things down and get them out of my system, eventually I always come back to some form of writing despite the dangers of it being discovered.

I’ve decided that I’m still going to keep most of my details vague, I’ve given access to this blog to a few of my closest friends but it makes me feel better to think that it’s still “anonymous” even though I know that true privacy is a fairy tale in this day and age.  (The Machine is real!  Where’s Jim Caviezel when I need him?)  Also, just because of who I am, I have no desire to make my ex-husband look bad by airing his dirty laundry in public, that would just be rude.  And I suspect he has not changed enough to pull off another marriage so the truth will come out in it’s own good time…  was that mean?  Probably.  Oh well…

Oh, another thing I realized is that I think I know why my former mother-in-law is so upset with me… In the letter I sent to my family – and his – trying to explain why I left him I said that my ex was just like my mother.  Which is very true.  It is also something I had told him several times so it was not news to him but it probably was new information to his mother and his mom was not a big fan of my mom.  I really should have had someone read that letter before I sent it, it was far too long and went places there was no need to go <sigh>.  Oh well, it is what it is and I can’t change it now but her icy coldness to me makes a little more sense now.

I also realized that I never wrote about my Las Vegas trip!  That will have to be it’s own blog, it’s funny now that I’m a good six months away from it…

Speaking of being positive, I also felt like a great many of my posts had a forced sense of optimism to them, which surprised me.  I think I am a fairly positive person and always try to see the upside of things but it felt more like I was making desperate grabs at something I wanted to feel but didn’t or maybe that I was attempting to cover up how bad it really was by focusing on my faith that things would get better.  Well then.  I’ll have to think about that for a bit longer…

Today, I’m healthy physically and emotionally – I haven’t been on any medication for depression, anxiety, insomnia or my thyroid for an entire year now.  I’ve gained a bit of weight, OK – a lot of weight, since the hysterectomy last year but I guess that’s normal and I’m going to have to fight even harder to lose weight from now on than I did before.  Oh goodie…

Mentally and emotionally I’m stronger – I’ve learned how to deal with angry people and be confident in my own self and the skills that I have.  I’ve learned how to walk away from people who are toxic to me and love them from a distance where they can’t wound me anymore and I’ve even been able to stand up for myself on multiple occasions.  Practice makes perfect, eh?  (Please Lord, stop giving me opportunities to practice…)

Spiritually I feel bigger?  I’m not sure of the right word for that one.  I’ve simplified my list of do’s and don’ts and that has strengthened my faith considerably.  In October I started going to a little church near where I used to work and I love it.  It’s a tiny  little congregation, maybe 20 people on any given Sunday but they worship for most of an hour and it’s so real there.  Some days the service is a beautiful disaster.  People, both on the stage and off, are completely genuine and there is no show there.  The messages are spoken, not preached, with input welcomed from the congregation so frequently it feels like a group discussion more than a lecture.  I’ve learned a lot this year about God and His goodness, He has taken such good care of me and I know He will continue to do so during this next step in my journey.

If sharing my journey helps you then I’m glad and if you’re in a life like mine don’t give up!  If you want to be friends then say so in the comments, we’ll figure something out.  If you want to donate to the cause my PayPal address is… no, just kidding.  If you want to help go find someone in  your own life who is lonely or sad a lot of the time.  Find someone you suspect is being abused in some way and go be their friend.  Help them.  There’s a lot of us out there with stories like mine and more people out there with stories worse than mine.  Just go make a difference in one life, it will be worth it, I promise.

And Dear God, if somebody out there is friends with Keanu Reeves please have them introduce me… He is such a handsome man and everything I’ve read about him says he’s a nice guy too. It would be so niced to meet a nice guy… <sigh> 😀

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