It has been far too long since I had the time and energy to blog and a lot has happened so I’ll try to summarize…

I graduated beauty school! I finished the required hours and walked out of school a free lady on March 15th. It was such a relief to be finished, truly, the 13 1/2 months I was there was the hardest time in my life. It was easier to leave my marriage! Ugh. But it’s over and with it came the end of 7 months of 14 hour days, between 4 – 6 days a week. I’ve never been more exhausted. I’ve taken these last two weeks to do as little as possible and rest as much as I can and I’ve noticed already that I’m feeling better. This next week I’ll start to focus on drumming up more nail business and in a month or so when I finally get my hair license I’ll work on getting hair customers as well.

I’m still waitressing to pay the bills until my chosen profession can support me and while it’s going well I’m tired of it. I do my best and the other servers are getting good tips – 15% – 20% on a regular basis but I seem to be stuck in averaging 10% – !5%. I’m not sure what else I can be doing to give better service and, therefore, better tips but it’s really frustrating and I’ve been taking it personally, which I need to stop doing. There’s always something to work on, isn’t there? Lol.

Tina and Sean are not back together yet and honestly I don’t know what is going to happen. Sean is revealing a side of himself that I hadn’t seen before, it would appear that he has a bigger issue with alcohol than he had let on before, or at least than he’s had for a while. He had said he used to be a really bad alcoholic and stopped drinking when he moved from California to Montana so that’s something Tina and I both knew about but it looks like he is struggling with it again. Also, he has started gambling more often… although it’s probably all in response to all the pressures of loosing his father, gaining and then losing the love of his life and becoming a father with a person who has rejected him completely as their life partner. Can’t say as I blame him but this is not a good direction for him… More prayers needed please…

Tina’s pregnancy is going well, she’s about 16 weeks right now and there have been no problems, yay! I think at her next appointment she’ll be able to find out the baby’s sex, I’m so excited about it!

For myself, I’ve started trying to find out more information about sexuality and more specifically, my own. I’ve tried all the conventional methods I’ve been able to think of and haven’t gotten anywhere so when a friend suggested I try Fetlife.com I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

Fetlife – as in Fetish Life…

Yep. Apparently it’s a Facebook-type site for the BDSM community, which means there are erotic postings in every format – written, photos and videos. Every. Format. But I learned so much there from the things people wrote. Apparently there’s “rules” for sex. Important rules like mutual consent for everything. Rules about physical safety and germ safety. There’s a lot of respect between the parties and they call what they do acting out a “scene” like it’s theater. I thought I was probably Asexual, someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others but I read a list of definitions and then took a test. It said that I’m 99% Vanilla, someone who doesn’t want anything other than “normal” sex – no shocker there – but I’m also something called a Demi-Sexual, someone who is only sexually attracted to someone they are strongly emotionally connected to.

Hmmm… no wonder I was never sexually attracted to my ex-husband, we never emotionally connected.

Anyway, it’s a very arousing website, with all that, well, basically, porn, floating around… but I decided to write a bit of my story and I stated that I was open to feedback and/or advice. One of the things I was specifically looking for was how to find a counselor who could help me deal with my sexual issues and I got lots of good feedback on that. But the best response I received was from a man in Scotland. He had a lot of good advice and we chatted for most of a month before he lost interest but he was very kind and encouraging. There’s another man, from somewhere else here in Montana that responded to what I wrote and we’ve been chatting on email as just friends. I don’t actually spend a lot of time on FetLife. I basically read a bunch of what people write, step back and turn it over in my mind, do additional online research if needed and wait until I’m curious about something again before I get back onto it. But just being able to identify a few things has been really encouraging. To understand that I’m not the only one out there who has a low sex drive and there’s a reason I’m not sexually attracted to hardly anyone – and why I was never sexually attracted to my ex-husband – is very freeing. I’ve only slept with one man my entire life, I’m not at all in a hurry to make it two and I’d like to stop at two as well.

Today is Easter and marks the second holiday Tina and I were not invited to my dad and step-mom’s house to celebrate, the first being Christmas. This coming Thursday is my dad’s birthday and we have not yet received an invitation for that either. I’m hoping that we will be invited to his birthday dinner but my step-mom has been upset with me since before Thanksgiving, as far as I can tell. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, especially just before Christmas when it got very obvious, but she just brushed it off and wouldn’t talk to me about it, wouldn’t even hardly listen to me apologize for hurting her feelings, she didn’t want to discuss it at all… I don’t know what else to do so I just text each of them a “Hi, I love you” every once in a while. So much for moving to Montana to be closer to them…

For now I’m going to stay in Tinyville Montana and try to build a business and see how it goes. Tina would like to have her own place, and I have to say I wouldn’t mind having space to myself either but everything is so expensive here neither of us can afford it – and I don’t see that changing after the baby is born – but who knows, right?

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