So I totally thought I posted an update in August, my bad, sorry!  Let’s try to catch up…

I was freaking out about my job and trying to find a new one in July.  I put a couple of applications in and the next thing I know I am no longer afraid of the restaurant owner.  Curious that.  Because I had the mindset of “I’m leaving” I lost my fear of him.

To be fair, he’s actually a pretty decent boss, he even gave everyone a crisp $100 bill in our paychecks last week as a bonus!  The only reasons I was afraid of him is: 1. He looks angry all the time.  His Resting Bitch Face is more of a Resting Volcano Face and I spent 21 years married to a man who oozed anger so I’m more than a little ill-at-ease around angry men now.  Unfortunately it’s still a trigger for me.  So I avoided the owner as much as possible without looking like I was avoiding him.  2.  He fired a cook and my daughter, Tina, within a month or so of each other and no real reason given to either one.  After that I, and a few other employees, lived in fear of being fired over any/every tiny mistake I made or that he might think I made.  This job pays the bills and the stress of thinking “what if I get fired” was eating me up inside.  But when I took steps to work elsewhere those fears vanished like magic!

And when I stopped being afraid I realized that I actually have a very good job.  My co-workers are wonderful, we are like family.  I also asked the manager/scheduling waitress to please give me more hours and if she couldn’t do something about it I was going to have to do something about it.  She jumped right on that and added two more days of work to my schedule on the next week and every week after that she has given me the hours I need.  That made me feel really good, like I was wanted there.  AND my request to go work in the casino has been approved and I will be starting there sometime this month after a couple of people get back from vacation which will be a huge blessing.  In the casino it will be more one-on-one interaction with the customers and no more carrying heavy food trays but still getting tips – and the possibility of getting two or three more times the tips that I can do in a night of waitressingSo all in all the work issue has been resolved, I grew a spine and confronted my fears as well as stood up for myself in asking for more hours and a change of job duties.  Oh, and I started using colored pens at work and for some strange reason that helps me enjoy my job more as well Yay me!

August 12th was my daughter’s baby shower and Sean’s mom and I co-hosted it. Let me be clear, I do like Sean’s mom but she has a very strong personality and tends to focus on the negative – of everything – first.  It makes it difficult for me to really be friends with her, she drags me down quickly when I am with her.  She is so strongly opinionated and I am so non-confrontational that it probably really good for me to hang out with her but less fun, lol.  Her ideas for the shower were very close to mine so even though she ran over me and just took control of the party planning I let her because she pretty much did what I would have done anyway.  We’ve had two road trips together before the shower, just her and I, and even though I like her more and more after each trip I really don’t want to plan another party with her.  Ever.

The shower itself went really well, we expected 45 people and had about 35 people attend (it was co-ed/family so we had lots of couples and a few kids there as well).  My ex husband, his wife and my oldest daughter made the trip up to come and I was really happy they did.  I wasn’t sure he would want to be there since I obviously was going to be there but he came to support Tina so I was very thankful for that.  His dad also came and one of my brothers and 4 of my nieces/nephews so that was really nice to see everyone! (My brother brought me a kitten!  She’s soooo much fun!)

The ex’s wife, KC, seems to be a really nice person and I like her.  I thanked them both for coming, she gave me a big hug and said “Thank you for inviting us, I know it’s hard for you to have us here”.

<blank stare> What the hell?  Why would she even think that?

A little background – I’ve been trying to be her friend for almost two years now, I started by passing a message through my older daughter to her saying I would like to be her friend.  My ex responded to that with an angry phone call, telling me there was no reason for me to talk to her, why did I want to be her friend?

Obviously to tell her all the horrible things I think about him, duh…. Oh wait, that’s what he’s thinking and I keep forgetting, he doesn’t know me at all – and never has, if I’m being honest.

In that angry phone call two years ago I told my ex I would like to be her friend because she was another mom to my girls and we should at least be friendly.  He grudgingly agreed to introduce us at Tina’s HS graduation.  I was genuinely happy to meet her the graduation so all I can guess is that she’s only gets information from him and my older daughter so what are they saying?

So back to the shower:  I caught myself starting that automatic agreement, “Oh no it’s fine, really…” but I stopped myself before I said a single word, looked her in the eye and said “But it’s not, it’s not hard for me at all to have you here.  I’m really glad you came and I’m truly happy for you both.”  I think – I hope – she believed me.  I also told her, to her face, finally, “I would like to be your friend.  I don’t need to be your best friend but I think we should be friendly.”  She seemed OK with that statement and said “Well now you have my number” because she had texted me their RSVP to the shower.  So hopefully this is the beginning of some good communication with her.  I have, since the shower, texted her about an ultrasound that Tina had (all good/normal) and she responded to that so I’ll start with basic communication for now.

At the shower I also thanked the ex for coming and he looked startled and said “Thank you for inviting us” like he was surprised to even have been invited.  He’s so strange.  I don’t hate him, I just don’t have any reason to stay in touch with him and he seems to think that my not reaching out to him is a “refusal to have anything to do with him” and also means I hate him and can’t stand him.

Yes, life is still all about him… <rolling my eyes>  always has been, probably always will be.

After the shower I was emotionally and physically wiped out.  Sadly, I had a good amount of salon appointments the next week and if I had been thinking I would have scheduled all of them for the afternoons but noooo, I had to be at the shop at 11 am every day that week on top of waitressing until 11:30 at night.  The next week I didn’t have hardly any appointments so I did a lot of sleeping in, which really helped me recover my energy.

The week after that was my birthday.  My 45th birthday.  I was NOT excited about it.  There was no party and the only person available to do anything with me on my birthday was my daughter, Tina.  All of my friends here are from work and they were, well, working.  Sean didn’t even ask for the day off (I asked for his birthday off) and I was slightly afraid that I would wind up at dinner with me, Tina and Sean’s mom – not my idea of a good time for my birthday. My parent’s hadn’t contacted me since right after the shower and I didn’t feel like driving to their town and hoping they would have the time to have dinner with me on my birthday. I was going to try to ignore it and just stay home all day but Tina wasn’t having it so at 10 pm the night before I decided to go sapphire hunting.

We live a couple of hours from a sapphire mine so it was a nice day trip and it made spending the day with my daughter my choice instead of my last resort/only option.  We drove over some crazy roads, found 43+ carats of sapphires in our bucket of dirt, had BBQ lunch and visited 2 amazing candy stores and stopped at a couple of waterfalls on the way home.  I had a lot more fun than I expected to and the grumpy mood that I woke up with turned into a fairly cheery disposition.  When we got back to the town we live in she took me to a local restaurant where I consumed 2, count them t-w-o, alcoholic beverages and a couple of appetizers.  The drinks were in pint glasses.  I have never drank so much at one time in my entire life but I still did not get drunk, was not even tipsy and I didn’t even feel buzzed.  But I did let her drive home since she’s preggers and can’t drink anyway.  It was the safe thing to do and I’m all about safety.

I’m beginning to wonder how high my alcohol tolerance is, this could be a fun experiment…

In the end I received lots of birthday greetings on Facebook and some by text message but my father, who I moved to Montana to be closer to, did not wish me a happy birthday at all on the day or anytime after.  Since my step-mother did text me a happy birthday that means that she either told him and he chose not to message me or she didn’t tell him and he forgot.  Either way, it made me sad.

And that pretty much ended August.  Stay tuned for the next post where we talk about me getting back into online dating, waiting on Kevin Costner, my upcoming ocean vacation, the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and new insights about Sean.  😀

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