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Fair warning, today I am on the down side of life.  

I did a full set of sculpted pink and white nails on a fellow student at the beauty school today and they didn’t look very good.  Now for those of you who don’t know, sculpted pink and whites are hard to master and I’ve only done two sets previously so I’m not surprised that they looked Really Bad – but she shouldn’t have been surprised either.  To make it worse she kept saying ouch and telling me to be careful when I was using the dremel to shape the nails after I had applied them.  I was honestly trying my hardest not to hurt her but apparently it wasn’t enough.  When I finally finished (after 3 hours) all I wanted to do was burst into tears and run from the room.  To me, it felt like she thought I was hurting her on purpose, that I did a bad job on purpose and she was sorry she offered to be my guinea pig.  Also, I’m fairly certain she’s going to file them off as soon as she can tomorrow.

The world is full of people who will make me feel the same way when I do their nails, how will I ever manage to have my own nail business someday?

And that set my thoughts off into a bad downward spiral:

1.  We owe the state over $4,000 in taxes from 2007 & 2008 and they are going to garnish our wages soon so we might lose our house this year.
2.  Speaking of the house, we are three months behind in our mortgage payments because I lost my job in September and didn’t get another job until November so there’s another $3,000 we owe that we don’t have.
3.  The beauty school wants me to start paying for my tuition (the verbal agreement when I started was “pay what you can when you can” and the lady – who isn’t there anymore – who signed me up knew I had just lost my job and wouldn’t be able to pay anything for a while) and the school might say I can’t go to any more classes until I’ve paid them.  My total bill is $4,000.
4.  Our power bill is over $1800 because we haven’t been able to pay the power company very much since September when I lost my job.  They put us on a payment schedule of $185/mo until March because it’s winter and we have children in the house so legally they have to work with us without shutting the power off but we keep adding more than that to it every month so what’s going to happen in April?
5.  There’s another $5,000 in medical bills floating around out there, unpaid, because of my youngest daughters post-concussion trips to the ER for migraines…  Can anyone else hear Bankruptcy calling our names?  Either that or it’s a winning lottery ticket…
6.  I’m a bad mom.  I just am.
7.  I’m a horrible human being.  My husband has made all these changes, really super-huge changes, for me over the last year and I just wish he would go away because I don’t want to be married anymore.
8.  I’m a 40-year-old failure because I work at a call center.  This has got to be one of the least prestigious jobs I have ever had.  Receptionist is even sounding pretty good to me right now.
9.  I’m selfish and manipulative and wicked and evil…

Oh wait, was that my mom’s voice I just heard?

Crap.

I’m letting my emotions run wild because a dead woman’s voice is still in my head.

Am I going crazy?

Crappity, crap, crap, crap, crap.

I pray all the time for God to change my heart because I KNOW mine is not right.  I cry and weep and beg God to save me, to fix me, to give me His heart for other people.  To restore my faith and renew my passion for Him.

Instead I feel myself sinking beneath the waves once again.

God I believe, help my unbelief!

I’m finding that the hardest thing to believe right now is that I am lovable and that I am savable…

So what is in my life that is good right now?

1.  I have made one good friend and a lot of fun friends at my new job.
2.  The cosmetology students at the beauty school really seem to like me, one of them even gave me a completely unsolicited hug before he left for the day today.  (Don’t get any crazy ideas, he’s right about the same age as my girls.)
3.  I still have my two best friends.
4.  There’s a new nail tech teacher at the beauty school who really knows his stuff and I’m looking forward to learning from him for the second half of my schooling.  Provided, of course, that I can keep attending classes…
5.  I get to sleep in almost every day because of my new job schedule.  I work four 10’s from 11:30 am to 10 pm and love it because this schedule takes advantage of my body’s natural sleep cycle.
6.  I joined the gym at work and my goal is to use the treadmill, elliptical and/or bicycle at least twice a week to start on my goal of losing 20 pounds.
7.  My new schedule at work gives me a four-day weekend every-other weekend, yay!  I want to take some quick “vacation” trips to the ocean and other fun places this year.
8.  I’ve set up a little nail station in my home and have had several people come over and let me do their nails.
9.  I’ve stopped gaining weight and have been holding steady for almost two months now.

So nine good things to counter nine bad things.  I’m not dead so that’s another good thing, eh?  Life goes on and every day is a chance to start over, there’s another one for the good side…

I guess that the moral of the story is that I have more baggage than a Greyhound bus full of musicians but God has brought me to this place where He’s thrown all my luggage off the bus and He is helping me sort through it before allowing me to travel any further.  I don’t like it but recognize that the process is necessary.

If you pray, please pray for me.  A lot.  If you even think you might have somebody like me in your life please love on them without any strings attached, they need it.