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It sounds like a dangerous title, I know, and especially given some of my previous posts about my relationship with my husband but this is actually what I say out loud to every spider I find inside my home, just before I squish them to death.  As quickly and humanely as possible, of course…

We have primarily Wolf spiders but there are also Black Widow spiders, Jumping spiders (who have really beautiful eyes when you shine a bright light on them) and all kinds of other spiders that range from litty bitty to  well over quarter-sized and each and every one of them seems to think that our home is still that awesome and amazing spider hang-out it used to be before we bought it and moved in.  This house was abandoned and vacant for over a year before it became ours so it really was The Place To Be if you had 8 legs, fangs, multiple eyes and could poo little silken threads from your backside.  It was empty for long enough that I’m sure some of the older spiders we get now days are probably thinking of our house as some sort of a historical landmark and are come back here to try to re-live the good ‘ole days in their retirement years.

But we have been here over two years and I’m still finding spiders in my bathtub, under the sinks, in the window-sills and just about any other nook and cranny they can find.  This is Not OK and I tell the spiders that repeatedly.  They either don’t listen or they don’t care.  Possibly, it’s  because they don’t understand me but I don’t think that’s really fault because after all, who speaks spider?  I would post my Spider Policy on little, tiny labels all around the house near the baseboards and under the sinks except I know for a fact that spiders don’t read so I must content myself with giving them a verbal warning and a chance to run before squishing them with my shoe or whatever else happens to be handy.  A very few number of spiders take that verbal warning and run with it.  About half of those I can still catch and kill and the other half get away… they’re getting smarter – is that a bad thing?

There is a difference between indoor spiders and outdoor spiders however.  I don’t care one whit if I see a spider outside.  That’s their environment and they’re welcome too it.  I’m an indoor gal although I make claims on very small parts of our land that lie outside the walls of our house.  Mostly it’s just the deck and the patio.  If they start intruding into those spaces I will relocate them to another part of the yard and hope they have the wisdom not to return.

There has been the rare, occasional spider, however, that we keep as a “pet”, if you will.  This spider isn’t a kind I see very often and when I try to identify it online I can never find a picture that looks exactly right.  It has a large, bulbous behind and the best ones have two points that look like little horns on the back of their bums.  This spider is usually a creamy white color and spins a typical wagon-wheel web, usually not too far from either the front or back door of the house.  When one of these spiders graces us with their presence we will name it, protect it from other people who would try to kill it and/or destroy its web and we also feed it flies and other small bugs we catch.  We’ve had several of these pet spiders since I was in high school, they don’t usually live much longer than 2 – 3 years but they seem pretty harmless and take care of a lot of bugs for us.  It’s also a great conversation starter and fun to mess with other people’s heads when they try to “save us” from the creepy spider and we try to save our spider from them.  Everybody needs a pet like that, right?

Anyway, spiders, be warned!  If I see you in my house, especially in my bathroom, You Will Die!