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So there’s a man in my life now that I’m not sure what to think about.  He’s actually one of my bosses, the one I call Todd here, and we work together six days a week.  Todd is lots of fun and very easy to be around and every once in a while I think he might like me in a romantic sort of way but most of the time I’m positive there is nothing there… until I start adding up all the little things I’ve noticed.  For my part I’m honestly hoping I’m wrong, I’m not anywhere near ready to be in a romantic relationship and probably won’t be for a very looooooong time.

Here’s some of the dots I’m connecting and I’d really love some feedback on this one – am I just seeing things out of nervousness, is it just the Vietnamese culture that I’m misinterpreting or could there possibly be something trying to start here?

Talking to the customers about anything and everything is a big part of my job as a Nail Tech and Todd has a great memory, several times, to me and to others, He has referenced things I’ve told customers, often it’s a piece of information that I’ve only said once and it usually surprises me that he remembered it and/or paid close enough attention to what I say to even have heard it.

Todd, his brother and sister are three out of the four owners of the salon I work at and we go out to dinner frequently.  I feel so blessed that they include me because it stops me from being home alone and the three of them really make me feel like I’m a part of their family.  I’ve even had them over to my house for dinner a few times and while somehow I’m no longer the good cook I used to be they are gracious and eat it while telling me it’s very tasty, lol.  The first time I had them over I told Todd that I needed the BBQ put together before we could use it and he said he would do it.  (It was a $40 cheapy charoal BBQ from WalMart.) Normally his brother puts everything together but when Todd got to my house he immediately started working on the BBQ – although his brother jumped right in and took over – but it was clear that Todd intended to put the BBQ together for me and that his brother’s taking over frustrated him a bit.

Tonight at dinner Todd ordered an appetizer that is one of my favorites, something I had only mentioned once weeks ago at a different resturant.  He then asked me what I wanted to eat and then when the waiter came, placed my order for me after first making sure it wasn’t spicy.  (I am a total baby when it comes to spice…)  I’ve never had a man place my order for me before, that was very interesting.  When the appetizer came he only ate one.

My sister made a joke that Todd’s brother was going to start setting me up on dates so that he wouldn’t have to be the one to keep fixing my house (Todd is good with electronics and techology, his brother is the handyman).  I told Todd what she said and he didn’t laugh at all like I expected him to, he just looked at my face and said “Too soon, huh?”  Not only is he rarely so serious, I’ve never had anyone read me like that.  He was dead-on and I didn’t even realize it until he said it.

A customer thought I was saying “Thank you honey” to Todd’s brother and asked if he was my husband/boyfriend.  I told Todd thinking he would find that hillarious but his reaction was actually the opposite.  He looked upset and it felt like he shut down for the rest of the day.  The first thing that came to mind was that it would have been funny to anybody except the person who wished I was calling them honey… yes? His brother, by the way, is somebody I absolutely adore but have no romantic interest in whatsoever and he has no romantic interest in me either.  When I told Todd’s brother what the customer said he roared with laughter and now loves to tell people about it as if it were the best joke ever.

Todd will do and say things while we work on customers side-by-side just to get my reaction, it feels like he is always keeping an eye on me and watching for me to smile or laugh and I get the impression that he’s more interested in getting me to laugh than the customers.

Todd has asked me to go to Vietnam with him.  It was kind of a general “someday” type of request but the way he said it was very specific – did I want to go to Vietnam with him, not him and his family…  That’d be a heck of a first date!

Tonight at dinner his brother and sister kept talking to each other in Vietnamese and then looking at me while Todd very studiously stared at his phone and wouldn’t look at either me or them.  His brother would stare at me but looked away with a funny little smile when I turned to look at him, it was a little strange.

One day I brought a little baggie of Chia Seeds to the salon with me to put in my yogurt.  The next day a giant, barely used Costco bag of Chia Seeds shows up at work.  He brought them from his home for me because “nobody was using them”.  Those little suckers are expensive!

He frequently comes and sits at my nail station to just hang out when we’re not busy.  He’ll be on his phone playing a game or texting, whatever, so I pull out my phone and find ways to look busy because I don’t want to just sit and stare at him.  Eventually he gets up and goes elsewhere but he seems to like to be nearby where I am.

There’s more but these are the things I can think of right now, at 1:45 am, ha, ha.  It’s probably just me being paranoid because I’m afraid of losing the friendship with his family group for any reason but especially if he does like me and I can’t like him back.  Besides me recovering from an almost 21 year marriage, he’s about 10 years younger than I am… and a Buddist… and he talks to customers about getting married and having kids after the salon grows more successful…

Right now I’m really hoping that he’s just a fabulously nice guy who sees me as a sister and that all these little things I’m noticing are part of being Vietnamese.  On my end, a successful romantic relationship with anybody is going to take a miracle and I’d rather see him happy with a young little Vietnamese girl who can give him little Vietnamese babies than trying to struggle through my baggage.

But it’s the little things that make me go “Hmmm…”

It’s actually not as terrible as the title sounds – I’ve been drinking the heck out of the neck of my bottle of hard apple cider, lol.  My Vietnamese bosses like to have one single bottle of something alcoholic with dinner and I’ve had several more dinners with them since my last post.  There’s always a round of “cheers” and bottle-clinking and it just seems really lame to try and clink with my red Solo cup of Dr. Pepper… besides, drinking isn’t actually a sin – believe it or not – so I’ve been clinking away with my bottle and manage to sip it down to just past the neck because I still don’t like the taste of alcohol.  My sister is worried I’ll become an alcoholic because addiction runs in our family but I don’t think she has anything to worry about, besides, she drinks more than I do!  Also I’ve stopped drinking caffiene daily, I’m down to maybe once a week now and I’m having one non-caffinated soda a day, usually mixed with juice.

In the last 22 days since my previous post not much has changed.  I’m living in my new place and really enjoying it.  I’ve become quite handy and fixed my swamp cooler and installed a shelf over my washer and dryer all by myself!  I’ve also been trying to get all my stuff out of my mini-storage one tiny carload at a time.  I pack the car full, bring it home and try to put it all away before bring the next batch in but I’m just about done with the stuff that will fit into my small car so I’m getting ready to ask for help from the guys at church to bring the rest here.  I especially miss my piano so I need to set up a time to have it delivered soon.  I’m finding that going through the stuff is emotionally harder than I expected because of the memories and emotions attached to the stuff I took out of my old house.  I’d almost rather donate all of it and start over but I need to be wise with my resources so I’m forcing myself to go through it.

My job is still good although the euphoria has worn off somewhat.  I still leave feeling happy and fulfilled, grateful to be a part of their little family but the giddy, schoolgirl feelings have finally dissapated.  It looks like one of my bosses will be moving back to Vietnam next month so that will change the dynamics somewhat but everything will be fine.  Once or twice a week we all go out for dinner or a movie and last Sunday I even had everyone over to my new place for a BBQ, that was so much fun!  It was just me, my sister, my bosses and one of them brought her boyfriend.  We grilled steaks and had a great time, I think I grinned like an idiot the entire time but I was so happy to have them all in my home because I love entertaining!

I also got a bunny rabbit for a pet, whoo hoo!  I figured a bunny is probably the perfect pet for me because it’s just fine being alone in a cage outside while I work 11 – 12 hour days six days a week but I can bring it inside and pet it when I want to.  A neighbor in the trailer park moved out and gave me the rabbit cage they left behind and then I have a friend who raises rabbits to show and sell and she gave me a sweet little 4-month old lop eared bunny that I have named, with the help of my sister, Bernard.  Bernard is very soft and quite a bit larger than I expected for 4 months old but he is currently in the dog house because he peed on me while I was trying to hold him and watch a movie.  It was A Lot of pee and it smelled very much bad…  I was grateful that only a little, quarter-sized spot wound up on my couch (and I cleaned it up right away) but I can see that I’m going to have to invest in some absorbant pads in the near future, ugh!

I made a new friend at church, we have the same first name, which is unusual since it’s not a very popular first name – we went to lunch together and spent an enjoyable 2 hours talking about all sorts of things and discovered we have similar life stories and interests in several areas.

So there it is, an update on me.  Life is still good, I am happier than I’ve ever been and I’m feeling healthier than ever both mentally and physically.  Oh, my next oldest brother and I are starting to really communicate now too but I’ll post some of those letters later.

Today after work I was invited to one of my bosses homes for dinner and then we played cards afterwards.  I attempted to display my mad chopsticking skills at dinner but was immediately handed a fork… guess I still need to work on those, ha, ha.

There was a total of six of us and it was sooo much fun!  I’ve played Texas Holdem before but that is the sum total of my poker experience and they either weren’t interested or didn’t know it.  They tried to teach me 13 card something or other but between me not knowing much about card games and not understanding Vietnamese they gave up and we settled on Blackjack.

The typical bet was $1 a round and I am NOT a fast counter so I’m grateful they’re so honest, lol!  There was lots of Vietnamese chatter that I didn’t understand a lick of but, thankfully, laughter is a universal language and we roared with it while I grinned like an idiot through the entire game.  When it was all over I had only lost a grand total of four dollars and it was worth every penny.

Add to that the bed and kitchen table I got free from the shelter program were delivered today and I will start living in my new place tomorrow.

I love my life now, God is so good to me!

It’s been about 2 weeks since my last blog entry so here’s a little bit of catch-up.  First the negative:

My Easter visit to my younger daughter and her husband was heartbreaking and I’m still working through the roller-coaster of emotions, trying to regain some sort of internal balance.

I had a talk with my husband about splitting up our possessions and while I agreed to dividing things a certain way at the time I have since realized that allowing him to get 3 vehicles and 2/3 to 3/4 of the profit from selling the house is very unfair to me after 20 years of marriage.  Therefore I will be telling him that we need to sell the house right away and split the profits 50/50… I’m sure that will be a lovely conversation, ugh!

My car is the only car that is not paid off and the loan is only in his name.  Originally I was going to apply for a loan in my own name and transfer the car to my loan but then I realized that signing myself up for another 5 years or so of car payments was not the smartest thing I could do so I bought myself another car with my half of the state income tax return that finally showed up and left the car with the loan on it at the house for him to do whatever he wants to do with it.  He shocked me by saying “What happened to us being nice to each other and you applying for the car loan?”  My jaw dropped – I was not trying to be mean to him by giving the car back to him!

My sister found this guy on a dating app and started messaging him.  Turns out he attends the church I left and is being mentored by my husband.  This guy says that my husband freely admits that our divorce is his fault and he is “very humble about his shortcomings”.  So it’s OK for him to be angry and unpleasant to my face, take away my house key in spite of the fact that I am still on the home loan and the house is filled with my stuff, refuse to allow me the use of the pickup truck that still has my name on the title to move my things… but to the people at church he is a meek victim, freely confessing his faults and worthy of everyone’s pity and compassion because his rebellious, soon-to-be-ex-wife won’t give him a second chance.

I had already figured out that he sees himself as the victim in our upcoming divorce but this takes the cake, I’m literally blown away.

No wonder I was about to burst into tears all day today…

But here’s the positive side of life – my new job!  When I “auditioned” for this job they said over and over again “We are like family here” and I’m discovering that they really, truly meant it.  My bosses are Vietnamee, two brothers and a gal that they’ve known since childhood.  The older brother, I’m going to call him Hank here, has been a nail tech for 11 years and is the brains of the business but does not speak very good English.  The younger brother, I’ll call him Todd, has only been a nail tech for about 2 years but speaks much better English so he is the public face of the business and he jokes and laughs with all the customers.  The gal, I’ll call her Sheri, has also been a nail tech for 11 years and her nail art is AMAZING!  Her English is fairly good too so she helps answer the phones and interacts with the customers.  All of them put sanitation as their top priority with customer service a close second and I am so grateful, it’s such a different atmosphere than my previous salon!

My first day there Todd gave me a top-of-the-line pedicure.  Sugar scrub, a clay leg mask, paraffin wax, hot stone massage, lotion massage, the works.  It was Heaven!  Todd says that I have to experience everything the shop offers in order to tell customers about it.  Hank gave me a full set of acrylic nails and told me he wants to teach me everything he knows.  My second day on the job Todd showed me how to do glitter gel toes by putting them on me.  Sheri invited me to eat the food she brought – meat, veggies and rice – it was delicious!  My third day Todd bought donuts for all of us and Hank re-did my nail polish so that it would be perfect for my trip to see my daughter.  Each day was filled with smiles, food and laughter and I felt so included, like I really was a part of their family.

When I came back from my Easter trip nothing had changed.  I’ve left work each day since with warm fuzzies, feeling totally loved and accepted.  Hank bought the bolts to put my new license plates on my new car and after he finished attaching them he told me “Anything mechanical I fix for you, just ask me”.  They’re teaching me to speak Vietnamese, so far I know how to say “Help me” and “Hello”, lol.  Sheri makes food every day and she saves me a good-sized portion if I’m not able to eat it when she and the boys do.  Today they all stayed late so that I could finish my food, Todd helped me heat it and put it together, rice noodles, meat and broth formed some sort of soup that was very yummy.  They teased me about needing to learn how to use chopsticks. Hank said “Take your time, no rush” and with a bowl of Vietnamese soup I realized I have a new family, and I love them.

Yesterday/Monday, was… was… well it was a lot of things.  It was my one and only day off this week so I:

Deposited my check, notarized a will, picked up a hot-spot to make up for my lack of internet at my sister’s apartment and went to the local glass-blowing art studio to ask about getting a couple of dishes custom made for my acrylic powder and monomer.

All of this was on my way to my first counseling appointment at the women’s shelter.  The nice thing was that I’ve seen this counselor last year for about 4 months so it was a lot easier to catch her up to where I’m at currently than if we had never met before.  One of the questions she asked is why I’m still meeting with my husband, what am I trying to accomplish by continuing to meet with him like this? 

I pondered her question all the way to the new nail salon I’m trying to get a job at.  I met with the owners, two brothers and a sister. I did a pedicure on one of the brothers and I did an acrylic fill on the sister.  The other brother said they would need to talk amongst themselves because they are all partners but he thought everybody liked me and would let me know if I can work there soon.  It’s a MUCH better salon, everything is super sanitary, much more upscale and spa-like than where I’m at now but in spite of the higher quality most of the services are only about $5 more expensive than where I’m at now.  The owner stressed repeatedly how much they are a family and if I came to work there I would be joining their family.  The comission is also 10% higher…  I REALLY want to work there!  The downside is that it’s a new salon, only been open for about 2 months, so they’re not very busy yet.  I asked if they thought I would be able to take home at least $200/week to cover my bills and they said yes so I’m willing to give them a shot.  Hopefully they’ll give me a shot as well!

When that was done I texted my husband that I would be late to our scheduled 5 pm meeting because I was still trying out at the new salon.  His response?  “As you wish”.  That should be this romantic reference to the Princess Bride but from him all I sense is sarcasm every time he says it.  Ugh.  I called him when I was done at the new salon to let him know that I was enroute to our meeting and his voice was terse and I felt like he was upset with me.  I arrived at our dinner location to find him waiting, as stoic as ever and oozing negativity.  Ugh again.  I ordered my meal – I have got to stop buying lots of food when we meet like this because as usual, I had about four bites and then lost my appetite so that was $20 bucks down the drain – and then we sat down to talk because this was a “talking meeting”. 

He said I called the meeting so what did I want to talk about, I asked him to tell me his thoughts/response to my letter defining emotional abuse and explaining why our relationship qualified as abusive.  The long and short of it is that he continues to believe that he was not abusive and has never abused me.

Apparently to him abuse is defined by whether or not the intention of the abuser is to be abusive or not.

I began to realize we will never see eye to eye on this topic.  And even though we didn’t bring up this time, we will never be on the same page regarding his church either.

Once again he pushed me for a commitment to restoring our marriage.  I finally told him, flat out, that the answer is no.  I am not committed to restoring our marriage and I do not want to be married to him any more.

That Guy tried to show up again but I didn’t fall for it this time.

He didn’t laugh in my face but it certainly felt like he was amused.  He said “Why Are You Here?  Clearly, you haven’t filed any paperwork yet so you must want this to work out in a corner of your heart.”

Time stopped.  Having been asked the same question twice in the same day demands an answer.  Why WAS I there?  What on earth was it I was trying to accomplish by being there, by agreeing to meet with him weekly?

I’ve been doing lots of soul-searching in the last 24 hours, trying to come up with whatever it is that won’t let me just let it go and move on.  I think I know but I’m going to kick it around for another day or two before I write it down.

I passed the State Boards and am now a licensed Nail Technician!  Whoo hoo!

When I went on the Happy Pills it was partly because I sincerely believed I would be stuck in my call center job for at least another year before I could pay my school bill and be allowed to take the State Boards.  I was able to sell my sole possession of value the morning of the deadline to register for the Boards and had to take an extra half hour lunch to run the money to school one half hour before the deadline closed – I made it by the skin of my teeth and was walking on Sunshine, baby!

Then I got nervous.  The one thing I had never learned to do in school was Silk Wraps and they are a part of the Boards.  My only opportunity to go back to school and practice was 4 days before the Boards and I wound up having about 3 hours there, that was it!  Normally the school will have “Mock Boards” and take several hours and walk you through it one step at a time but because I was working I didn’t have a chance to do any of those.

My nervousness was not from being afraid I might fail the actual tests but rather that I might miss a step due to all the little requirements, regulations and red tape involved…

All my supplies had to be in individual ziplock baggies, one bag for each test.  All the supplies had to fit into a container with a lid that was no more than a certain size.  Sanitizing was key so I had to remember to sanitize my hands – and my plastic practice hand – before each procedure.  If I forgot to put a supply item in the baggie it was needed for it was tough luck because there was no getting back into your supply box once you’ve set up for each test.

I had to bring my plastic practice hand to the Boards with a set of nails already applied to it.  That was a difficult feat in itself because, as I found out the hard way, superglue does not hold the tips to the practice hand.  At. All.  Fortunately for me a quick search of husband’s garage yielded a suitable epoxy type glue that held the nails on very nicely.  In fact, those nails will stay on the practice hand until the end of time because the glue is that good!  So me and my practice hand (I decided to call it Gertrude) went to the State Boards and the first thing I had to do was give Gerty a manicure.  Halfway through the manicure portion I realized that I Had This and my nervousness went away – mostly.  The next test involved gluing a plastic tip onto the plastic tip I had already epoxied to Gertrude’s ring finger.  How hard can it be, right?  Ha!  Supposedly you’re supposed to file the new tip into the natural nail (by hand) so that there are no bumps or ridges at the seam.  (I say supposedly because the girl next to me didn’t seem to blend her tip at all.)  In my zealousness to get it “just right” I over filed my seam and took a big ‘ole chunk out of it.  The tip was still glued to the “natural nail” just fine but my smile line was completely ruined and so I tried to file the rest of the seam to match my over filing and finally had to quit when I realized that if I kept going I would wind up filing the whole darn tip off completely!  But it sure was smooth…  After that we applied the silk wrap to the middle finger, which I felt that I did a good job on, and then we sculpted an acrylic nail on the pointer finger using an odorless acrylic product.  That odorless stuff is weird!  And did I think to practice using it before the State Boards?  Nooooooooo…    However, I did manage to produce a good looking sculpted tip, if I do say so myself.  Finally I had to polish all of Gerty’s nails with a red nail polish.  Of all the tests this is the one that just about killed me.  Why you ask?  Because Gertrude is not real.  If she was her hand would be flexible and soft.  Her fingers would separate and move up and down, I would, in fact, be able to push four of them out of the way while I work on the fifth.  But Gerty, in all her plastic glory, is stiff and unmovable, somewhat like the Rock of Gibraltar, and while I was painting the third of the five fingers I smeared the first one!  And it just got worse from there…  Now each of these tests have a time limit and when the time is up you stop working, done or not, so I’m very frustrated that I keep smearing the best polish job of my life, getting nervous because the time’s running out, which made me smear even more… it was a viscous  circle!  In the end I managed to rescue my polish job and it was almost perfect.   The instructors smiled at me and even though they were not allowed to speak to any of us I felt like they approved and that I had done a good job, which was confirmed three days later when I saw on the website that I had passed, whoo hoo!

I also passed the written score with flying colors and IMMEDIATELY gave my notice to the call center.  That felt Sooooo Good!  Two days ago I started working at a salon and it’s been fun and exciting.  All the other girls who work there seem nice and willing to help me improve my skills so I’m very happy to be there.  This has truly been a Game Changer for me and I’m looking forward to the future!

OK, so maybe it started in August and ran over a bit into October…  Here’s the rundown, and my apologies for not having blogged for so long but I think you’ll understand:

August 27th – I turn 40.  (Not entirely bad news, it’s just a number, right?)

August 30th – Our washer and dryer died.

September 1st – Our hot water heater caught on fire and needed replacing.

September 4th – I lost my job and signed up for unemployment.

September 9th – We are not eligible for food stamps.

September 13th – GOOD NEWS!   I signed up to attend a beauty school’s Nail Technician program with my husband’s somewhat skeptical blessing.  I’m tired of the office life!  I have wanted to be a Nail Technician since I was in my early 20’s but the money and the time to go to beauty school never made it to my house at the same time so to make money I did what I was best at, answering phones and office work… for 20 years…  and now the opportunity of a lifetime, a miracle has come my way!

 September 16th – MORE ABOUT THE SAME GOOD NEWS!  My first day “back to school” and it was soooo weird after over 20 years.  I brought my paper, pen and pencil and I was so excited that my girls made fun of me and I didn’t care a bit!   I should graduate sometime in January of 2014 so it’s roughly four-and-a-half months and almost every day so far has flown by – I go home feeling like I had FUN at school, I really love what I’m learning!

 September 20th – My unemployment claim was denied.  (I am appealing it.)

September 21st – Our oldest daughter turned 18 and we had this HUGE party planned for over 3 months with 10 people invited… guess who spent money, lots and lots of money, that we didn’t have?

September 24th – I lost my phone.

October 2nd – My car died.  Dead.  Seized engine dead.  Over-sized paper-weight dead.  Tacky Red Neck Lawn Art Dead.  Walk to school and be late and then wonder how I’m going to get home dead.  Dead dead.

You know, sometimes so many bad things happen in such a short amount of time that all you can do is sit back and giggle hysterically.  That’s pretty much where I’ve been.  To tell the truth I’m kind of sitting back wondering what else could go wrong and thinking I might want to grab a soda and popcorn to watch the next disaster go down…

But in spite of all that something really good that has happened through all this.  I’m actually  very happy right now, strangely happy right now given all the above circumstances.  I don’t think I need my depression pills any more kind of happy, weird huh?  Somehow, for the first time since I was a child I 100% believe that God is fully in control and everything is going to be OK.  Not Never-Going-To-Have-Another-Problem-For-The-Rest-Of-My-Life-OK but All-My-Needs-Will-Be-Met-And-Taken-Care-Of-OK.  I actually have more peace and trust in God more now than I did when I had my job and was making good money!  Have you ever heard “Blessings” by Laura Story?  I feel like I’m living it…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  I KNOW everything is going to be OK and I haven’t felt that way for a long time.  I guess if this is what it took to get me to this amazing, emotionally stable place then I wish it would have happened earlier!

What my life looks like now:
I’m looking for a job I can do after school and on weekends.
I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business to make us some money.  (I had two shows last month, whoo hoo!)
I’m wondering how I’m going to make up the two house payments and numerous utility bills that we’re behind on.
I’m driving the car my nearby best friend is selling me on payments.
I found a cheaper phone plan and my entire family has new phone numbers <aggravating> so now I don’t have to find my other phone, lol!
We replaced the washer and dryer with used ones but unfortunately had to buy a new hot water heater.
Starting next week I’ll be ready to give manicures and pedicures to paying customers at school now so hopefully I will start getting tips!

Life is life.  God is God.  God is bigger than Life.  Life is going to be OK.   🙂

Or at least that was a saying when I was a child.  I always thought it was just because people who thought they were Righteous needed a reason to explain why they never got any rest without having to place themselves in the Wicked category.  I would like some rest… does that make me Wicked?

I haven’t blogged for a while.  So let’s try for a quick update – while my life has been pretty good since my last blog (hence the lack of writing – does that make me a whiner?) here is what I remember:

SUPER GOOD – I went to Reno with my best friend from high school and we had an SOO MUCH FUN together, we even went down to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon.  I saw my child exactly once for about 5 minutes as I brought her breakfast the first morning.  She never did tell me when and where they were going to perform so I didn’t get to see it.  I did not come home with a tattoo <slightly sad about that> but I’m still thinking really hard about getting one.  The best news ever is that my daughter did not get any migraines requiring me to take her to the ER but I’m still glad I went!

OK – I have continued to see my husband’s counselor with him, this last session wasn’t terribly productive, I think the counselor talks a little bit too much about his own life that I don’t see as applying to us but he did manage to bring up a question or two that was good food for thought until the next meeting.  That hour goes fast.  Thank goodness for the EAP program or I’d feel like I was wasting my money on the co-pays, ugh!

SAD – One week before school ended my youngest (musical) daughter, who has poured her heart into the three music classes she’s taken this year, was cut from her very favorite class, the jazz choir, exactly 5 minutes after her boyfriend dumped her so she had a miserable last week of school but she is very glad it’s over and seems to be feeling better about it now.  I’m debating on whether or not I should say anything to the choir teacher.  Half of me is mad at him, I’m upset that he seems to be unwilling to deal with the issues that go along with her head injury, I feel like he doesn’t believe she has a real medical condition and dropped her because he thinks she’s a flake.  The other part of me is relieved I don’t have to fight with him for another year about being a chaperone on all of her out-of-town trips and just plain ole doesn’t to talk to him anymore.  Yes, I’m a very non-confrontational person which means if I’m confronting you I’m usually VERY UPSET with you.

BAD AND GOOD – My husband has made great improvements in becoming a nicer guy but now that the two month “probation” period has been over by a couple of months most the things that he was doing to prove to me that he loved me for more than sex have pretty much evaporated.  All the “romantic” stuff is completely gone, he hasn’t given me a back rub in almost two months, hasn’t opened my car door for at least a month and I’m pretty sure that all his compliments dried up a couple of days after the two months was over.  In short, we’re very nearly back to where we were before the two-months except for a few certain things.  He has become more relaxed about my being late, which is one of his biggest buttons that I constantly seem to be pushing because I’m just not a very on-time person – never have been.  Also, he’s been quicker to apologize to both me and our children when he has spoken to one of us in “high emotion”, I’m getting a nice email from him almost every day at work and he is definitely being more open about how he feels when I ask him.  I know changing your entire self is difficult and I can see that he’s working hard at it so I’ll be content with the relationship we have for now.  No promises from me that this marriage will last forever but we just passed our 19th anniversary, that’s a pretty good record in this day and age.

BAD – I thought my job was going quite well… until I received an Employee Improvement Plan two weeks ago.  Apparently I have a month (two more weeks at this point ) to stop making mistakes or I will be “Disciplined or Terminated”.  Oh goody.  I think what’s really going on is I’ve not been “good enough” for a couple of the attorneys that hold some power in this office and they want me gone but we’ll see in the middle of July how that goes.  I can only do my best.  As punishment for my past mistakes (or perhaps so they can snoop through my desk easier) they took away my flex schedule which gave me a half day every Monday and I worked until 6 pm Tues – Fri so I could still have a full 40 hours.  I’m thinking that by my leaving at 5 pm they don’t have to stay until 6:30 to look through my work and check up on me – now they only have to stay until 5:30, ha, ha.  Unfortunately for me, I felt like I did my best work during that peaceful, quiet, uninterrupted hour between 5 and 6 pm when hardly anyone was in the office.  That’s definitely not going to help me during this month’s probation at all.  Can you get unemployment when you’re fired for “Unsatisfactory Job Performance after almost two years of employment?”  If I lose my job I lose my benefits and neither I or my daughter can get the medicine we need to stay on top of our medical conditions so yeah, I’m a little stressed.  Maybe I can start a daycare in my home…  although I did find a job with the County that I think I’ll apply for, the cut-off date for applications is right about the time my month of probation should end, then maybe I can give my two weeks at that meeting instead of getting fired, wouldn’t that be nice?

GREAT – I received and finished a transcription job last weekend and am waiting for the check to come, hopefully this week.  It should go straight to bills but I want to keep a little bit of fun money out for myself.  Is that wrong?  I earned it, 100%.  It’s outside my job and outside the budget… if only we weren’t so behind, ugh!

FUN – Speaking of being behind I have become a consultant for a direct sales company and am trying to get that going for  some extra cash.  I love having the “parties” with good food and meeting new people, hopefully this will help pull me out of the doldrums as well as help us get out of debt.

REFLECTING – So all in all my life has been, and continues to be a roller-coaster.  I appreciate everyone who follows my blog, I hope you’re getting more out of it than I am, lol!  I’m just writing it all down to sort it out, re-organize it and decide how I feel about it before absorbing my life’s events back into my head again.  Kind of like when you clean Grandma’s basement.  It’s so packed with stuff piled everywhere that the best way to deal with it is to pull piles out of the room, sort them into your Keep, Donate and Toss piles and then put the Keep stuff back in the room, pull another pile out and do it all over again.  That is what this blog is for me.  That oddball space where I can pull things out, write them down and try to decide how I feel about them, what emotions connected to each event should I Keep and which should I Toss.

And there I am, laid out bare for you to see.  What do you see by the way?  I hardly ever get feedback on my posts…  Am I just an interesting read and ya’ll go off talking about the crazy lady online when you’re done?  Talk to me…what are your thoughts about what I should do next?  Help please!

I spent last night looking for new jobs online and then this morning I called in sick.  I emailed two of my bosses with more of an explination regarding the stresses at work and why I was staying home, one of them emailed back:

Take care of yourself.  Things are going to get better at work…I can feel it!  We will see you Monday.

That doesn’t sound like someone who’s waiting to fire me  the minute I get back, maybe things will be all right.  Just in case I’m going to keep looking for a new job through…

Wow. I’ve never been at this place before and I’m both shocked and horrified. I’ve always been amazing at what I do. I get fantastic letters of reference and wonderful referrals. I’ve been here at this government job for a year and a half and this morning I put most of my personal belongings in a box and am waiting to get fired because I’ve made too many mistakes in the last few weeks. I know it takes a lot to fire a government worker but nonetheless, this job has whopped my butt and peace comes with the thought of leaving. I’m not ready to be without pay and benefits but I have to say that I have been more stressed out since I got this job than with any job or life situation ever before. It’s so detailed that you’re not out of “training” for six months and even then it’s not possible to know everything. I’m good at this kind of work but apparently not good enough. I probably won’t get fired today but I will start looking for another job today and try to leave before they can kick me out. Crazy, I’ve never met a job that got the better of me. Crap.