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Even though I am very much loved I am completely alone. Sometimes it just gets to me and I cry, like now… But I chose this. I chose to walk away, to trade being alone inside of a relationship for being alone outside of a relationship. 

The funny thing is, it’s actually hope that kills you. Inside that relationship there was no hope for things to get better and so I survived on duty. You’d be surprised at how much can be done out of duty… Outside that relationship there is hope that maybe someday I won’t be alone but the fear that I am too damaged quashes my hope far too often and self-preservation will probably never let me even date successfully, guaranteeing that love will have to sneak up on me if it’s ever going to work. 

I’ve made great progress though.  (Go me!)  I actually belive the people who hug me and tell me they love me, I believe they mean it. That’s a big step for me. But I’m an all-or-nothing girl, if I love you, I love you. Completely, 100%, do anything for you, love you. And that’s not how those people love me, they have lives that I am a part of but not all of. They can’t love me the same way I love them because they already love somebody else that way. And for those parts I am included in, I am in heaven – but I think some of my people feel like I’m trying to drown them because I am too deep… for the other parts of their lives that I am not invited in to, well, for those parts I am alone, very, very alone. 
But it was my choice. Of the two choices I was left with I’m pretty sure I’d choose it again. 

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Yesterday was all about the upside of having left my ex-husband.  Today is remembering the more difficult parts…

Being alone in a marriage is horrible.  You’ve hitched your wagon to the star of someone who promised to love and protect you forever and when you figure out those were just words because your star doesn’t know how to love and has no desire to protect… well, that’s the deepest kind of loneliness I know and if that’s where you are you have my heartfelt sympathies – and my sincere plea to to leave and try to find some happiness for yourself.

Being alone as a single person is very different and not something I have experienced for about 21 years.  As a matter of fact, being alone before marriage was completely different than being alone now as a divorcee so this is entirely new.  Oh happy day.

In the last 561 days I have been very much alone but rarely lonely and I have to say it’s refreshing!  The thing that I wasn’t prepared for was the weight of handling EVERYTHING myself.  Turns out that ‘ole ex was good for something after all…  even if it was mostly having someone else to blame when things didn’t go as expected, lol.

But there are days, like today, when everything seems overwhelming and I wonder if life is worth it.  Stop freaking out – I’m not suicidal and I don’t even feel like I’m depressed anymore, not since I left the ex, but I can’t be the only one who has thought that life might be too hard.  Is it really worth all the effort of fixing up my little 1975 trailer, trying to sell it, moving to another state, starting life over while only knowing four people, going back to beauty school…

On the other hand, is working 55 hours a week for roughly $9.50 an hour and not having a life outside of work actually a life at all?  Never being able to participate in activities where I could meet new people, including possibly, maybe, hopefully, a boyfriend?

I’m soooooo tired.  Almost always.  And there’s no one to come home to.  Nobody to hold me and be proud of me, nobody to tell me I did a good job.

The cat tries but it’s just not the same…

You know, when a woman loves fiercely she is invincible.  Us women can stand up to just about anything if we’re defending someone we love.  And when a woman is loved properly she is invulnerable.  Love is a shield and the stronger the love, the more impenetrable the shield.  We can walk through hell  with a smile on our face if there is someone who loves us completely and unconditionally.  When we are unloved life is twice as hard. You men need to know this.

There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed, I just want to stay in my jammies and watch Netflix all day long and my only prayer is Dear God, please don’t make me have to Adult anymore!  But Adulting it is, all day, every day.  Dammit.

Oh yes, I swear a wee bit now.  That could be considered a negative since leaving the ex.  Although I did read about a recent study that found people who swear regularly have lower blood pressure so now it’s healthy, right?

And my one day off – that I get almost every week – is so packed full of things I need to accomplish it is not possible to get much rest.  I’m beginning to think wistfully of the 40 hour corporate work week with weekends off…  I can’t believe I’m even considering quitting my dream of doing nails and becoming a salon owner just because I’m so tired.

Tomorrow I will be strong again and will go back to having more good days than overwhelmed days.  And I will once again put blood, sweat and tears into moving out of state to be closer to my father.  And I will continue to pursue my dream of furthering my beauty education to be a good salon owner in the future.  But this is the worst part of being alone, having to bear every ounce of responsibility that, for over 20 years, someone else was there to at least bounce ideas off of and share life’s burdens with, even if it didn’t seem like he did that much at the time…

when the places I’ve never been
become where all I want to see
when there’s no “remember when”
because I was afraid to be

I know I am lost

when the words I can’t say
become all that I can think
when seconds of each day
become holes in which I sink

I am all alone

when I cry out to be found
and I don’t hear You reply
when my heart is torn all down
by the tears caught in my eyes

I am afraid

when I finally hear Your voice
because I have stopped to listen
when You give me a choice
because I’ve read what is written

I am hopeful

when I set aside what I expect
and ask what You are doing
I make my life more circumspect
by seeing what You’re viewing

I am awakening

when I join You right where You’re at
and fix my eyes above
and worry not of this or that
my heart fills with Your love

I am found

BluEydButterfly 2-1-14