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 The crash and burn of realizing you are only wanted when you are needed

The light-bulb moment of finally understanding that’s one of the many things he did for all those years, the one who broke you

The self-loathing at recognizing every man you’ve ever fallen for could not or would not love you back – and yet you gravitate towards another just like that over and over again

The fear that you will never be able to love someone who is different, someone who is better

The accepting of yourself – you fall fast and hard at the first drop of kindness and think it’s love 

The knowledge that this may never change

The hope that it never changes because then you would not be you

The draining wariness of constantly being on guard against falling in love

The battle between wanting to fall in love and needing to feel safe

The sadness that “safe” and “in love” have never come to you at the same time

The weariness of needing to decipher your own emotions and those around you non-stop

The utter exhaustion from carrying all of life’s responsibilities while guarding your damaged heart that still slips out the window like a teenager and falls in love with the wrong guy anyway 

The desperate need to believe in fairy tales because maybe, just maybe, you could have a happily ever after too

The sleep that finally comes to give you just enough strength to make it through one more day so you can do it all over again

Forgive me friends, for I have been busy, it’s been 8 months since my last blog…

Since November, in mostly chronological order, all of this stuff has happened:

In early December I had a hysterectomy – it went well, I recovered quickly and my life-long anemia is gone, yay!  Sadly, my need to chew ice is also gone which means I’m not drinking enough water anymore <sigh>.  Overall it was a super good trade though, especially since there is an entire row in the grocery store I can avoid now, whoo hoo!

I went to visit my dad twice, once in December and again in April.  Both trips were good and made me realize that moving to be near him is definitely the right thing to do.

Christmas was a little disappointing, mostly because my household of kiddos left me for their parents homes so it wound up just being me and my sister for most of the day, binge watching Netflix and missing the bounty of a holiday table prepared for lots of people.  It made me realize that being able – or not being able – to give isn’t what lost the Christmas “magic” for me, it was being with people I love and who love me back and that honestly hasn’t happened for years and years… and years.

Online dating, yes, that happened too.  I tried three different sites – I started with Christian Mingle, figuring that I would be most comfortable there and found Tom.  We were chatting up a storm using their online messenger service and I was really enjoying his writing style, I felt like we were clicking and had been messaging each other for a good hour when all of a sudden he blocked me.  It was so weird, I hit send to post my latest response to our conversation and the website informed me that he had blocked me.  Rude!  Beyond that there just didn’t seem to be very many guys on Christian Mingle so I kept my membership there and started a second one with eHarmony.  They are soooo expensive!  Dang!  It was the day before my hysterectomy that I found Mike.  He was a Russian man living in Oregon (the Oregon coast is my happy place) he was nice and kind and sweet and gave all the right answers… until he started to ask me questions about sex.  Now I know that I have a hang up in this area because of my ex – I’m starting to realize that most of the sex I had in my almost 21 year marriage could probably qualify as date rape and I should probably go see a counselor – so when Mike started by asking basic questions about sex I went along with the conversation with the thought that it would help free me from some of the chains I had been carrying.  But once the conversation turned physical Mike didn’t want to talk about anything else and I became more and more uncomfortable until I finally let him know.  He admitted that his plan for our first face-to-face encounter was picking me up at the airport, dinner and then a hotel.  Nope, nope, nope.  I ended it right there, cancelled both my eHarmony and Christian Mingle subscriptions and took a break from online dating for a few months.  Then a customer told me she was engaged to someone she met on Zoosk and said that she had a great experience with that dating site so I figured I would give it a shot and I  narrowed my search to the town my father lives in, thinking that it would be nice to get to know someone online really well before meeting in person (because it worked so well with Mike, right?  I’m not quite sure what I was thinking…)  On Zoosk I met Tony.  Nice guy, gave lengthy, real answers to my questions and we seemed to have a lot in common.  On day four of our online chatting I asked if he had any pets, he said that he lost his cat recently.  I said that must have been hard for his young daughter and he said – all in one chat bubble – that it was harder on him than his daughter and he bet I was a good kisser.  Really?  He seriously went from dead cat to kissing.  It fizzled out with Tony shortly after that and I ended my search on Zoosk.  At this point I am so close to moving that I’m just going to wait until I am in Montana before I attempt to meet any more potential boyfriends, ugh!

In April I took 10 glorious days off of work and went to the Oregon Coast with my best friend from high school for 5 days and then went to visit my father for 3 days, it was a great vacation, very relaxing and reestablished my desire to live in either Newport or Lincoln City someday!

Just before Mother’s Day I ran into my ex husband at the movie theater and my, oh my, wasn’t that exciting!  My bosses took me to see the new Captain America movie that he and my older daughter just happened to attend as well.  He marched up to me and said in a very grumpy voice “I just want to say Happy Mother’s Day” and also told me that he had given a piece of paper to our younger daughter earlier to give to me.  I asked if he wanted to meet my bosses and he curled his lip as though he had just eaten something extremely distasteful, said no and then turned around and marched away.  My older daughter never once turned to look at me, say hi or even wave.  Huh.  They were with a group of people from their church and a few of them were friendly to me and said hi, which was nice but the very best part of the entire evening was when my Vietnamese bosses – who are from San Jose, CA – asked if my ex was a gang member.  They have a lot of experience with gangs (and have been victims of gang activities) and based on their experience and what they saw at the movie theater – the way he approached me, stood and spoke to me and marched away – they thought he was in a gang!  I nearly laughed my head off!  So much for the love of Christ shining through him, they saw him for what he was, a very angry man with no love or compassion in his heart towards those he doesn’t believe deserve it.  That frankly, was the highlight of my month!

My twin nieces graduated high school at the beginning of June and I took a few more days off work to attend their ceremony and party afterwards, which my ex also attended.  I knew he would be there so I was a little more prepared to see him but he did his best to avoid me at both the graduation and the party.  The graduation was busy but it was obvious that he refused to look at me and wouldn’t even come stand with the entire family once I joined then.  Then at the party my brother held at his home my ex and older daughter arrived after I did and it didn’t seem right to just jump up and greet him warmly when he got there but I tried to catch his eye here and there so that I could smile and say hi but he still refused to look at me.  I did, however, go and stand next to my older daughter as she spoke with her cousins for about two minutes and she never did turn around to say hi or acknowledge that I was there in any way.  I finally gave up and went to sit down at a table on the outer edge of the party area.  Then his parents showed up, which I thought was odd because it was my brother’s children’s graduation party… but I went over to say hi to his father knowing my ex was standing nearby and figuring I could greet him then – except that he moved away as I approached his dad.  His father was very kind and gracious, he gave me several warm hugs and we had a nice conversation for probably 15 – 20 minutes.  Which was, by the way, the only time at the entire graduation weekend that my older daughter spoke to me at all or even looked my way was when she and I were both speaking to her grandfather.  My ex’s mother was a different story entirely, I said hello and she said my name in a way that made me feel icicles stabbing my heart.  When dinner was ready my ex was serving the meat to everyone in line.  I debated whether or not I should get in line because it seemed obvious to me that he didn’t want to speak to me but then I decided to be the adult, get in the food line and say hi to him once my turn was up because then at least he couldn’t run away from me.  My sister was ahead of me and she said “Hi” and “Thank you” when it was her turn to get the meat but he did not look at her or speak to her.  I thought he was very rude to her.  I also said “Hi” and “Thank you” and he stopped what he was doing, looked at me and said with anger in his voice “I’m surprised you’re speaking to me”.  I’m sure my jaw hit the floor, from everything I could tell he was the one avoiding me and yet he was obviously angry that I was avoiding him.  The only thing I managed to stutter was “I wasn’t trying not to”.  I think I said that twice and then after opening and closing my  mouth like a guppy several times I turned and walked away from the food line because I was so shocked.  I left the party shortly after that, it was just to awkward to stay.  At my own brother’s house.  It’s actually rather irritating that he made me so uncomfortable that I left and he and his parents stayed to visit with my family.   Just one more testament to the fact that my brothers don’t really care that much about me I guess.  I made sure to tell him goodbye and that I was sorry he thought I was avoiding him.  Seriously?  I saw a meme on Facebook that said “You destroyed me and I apologized”.  Yep, I just did it again.  Crap.  His father gave me another big hug and his mother gave me a slightly less icy glare.  My father walked me to my car and said “I’m sorry to say this but I think maybe your marriage should have ended 10 years ago”.  Damn right!  But I wasn’t the person I needed to be in order to leave 10 years ago… but I am where God wants me to be right now.  My biggest hope is that since my father saw it maybe my brothers also saw how my ex treated me that weekend and that maybe their eyes opened a wee bit as to why I left him.  Although in the end that is not super important either, I know I did the right thing.

The week after we get back from the graduation my younger daughter had coffee with her father like she does every month and I took my older daughter out to dinner like I do every month.  He doesn’t even pay for my younger daughter’s coffee when they meet, he’s such a tightwad, lol.  My dinner with the older was was actually one of the nicest visits we’ve ever had, which I thought was very strange given the fact that she tried to have as little to do with me as possible just three days before…  My younger daughter’s coffee was much more exciting because her father introduced her to his girlfriend!  The girlfriend wants to be friends with our younger daughter and she’s not sure if she wants that but I told her to at least try it out – this gal might be the best thing that ever happened to her father and hopefully this girl will make him a better person.  It was curious to me that my very first emotion after hearing he has a girlfriend was relief.  I actually felt like a large stone had rolled off of my shoulders!  Maybe now he’ll stop being so angry with me – although judging by the fact that he had been dating this girl for some time before the graduation and he was still so angry with me at the graduation… that might not be a realistic hope.  I looked her up on Facebook and my second reaction was to laugh hard – she looks so young, I’ll bet she’s going to want kids!  The thought of him getting his vasectomy reversed for her and going through the whole infant and child-rearing thing again (knowing how “helpful” he was the first time around) really struck my funny bone and I just roared with laughter.  But ultimately I truly hope he finds someone that he genuinely loves and respects.  Maybe then he will become a decent human being and stop being so angry about everything all the time.  I wish him a good life with someone who loves him, I truly do.  I wish it for myself as well.

And now we’re up to the present.  Work is going well and I’ve had some amazing paychecks now that the weather is getting so hot.  I’m almost ready to list my trailer for sale and as soon as it sells I will be moving to Montana to be near my father and his wife – oh, and I started calling her Mom at Christmas.  I’m embarrassed it’s taken me this long to do it, she’s such a nice, kind lady who has always loved us kids as her own and I’m really looking forward to getting to know both her and my father better.  My bosses are still wonderful and thank God I’m not in love with either of the boys anymore, it was on-again-off-again for a while but I’m in a good place now and their entire family had a lot to do with getting me there.  They treat me like I’m a born sister to them, in fact they’re taking me with them to Las Vegas for the Fourth of July!  It’s me and six of their family members going and they’ve paid for everything – my plane ticket, hotel room, food, everything, they’re just amazing people and it will be sooo hard to leave them and not just because they buy me so much stuff but because I truly love them as my own family.

I know that I write all of this out for me, it’s how I process my life and sort things out in my head, but thank you for following me and for taking the time to read all of this.  I’m just an ordinary girl, trying to do the right thing every day.  Most of the time I feel like I succeed but some days I don’t.  I’m healthier now than I ever have been both emotionally and physically.  The one-year anniversary of the divorce came and went and I didn’t even notice it until a few days later.  I feel healed from my marriage and from my life before.  I wish you healing from your damage as well and blessings to you.

So, miracle of miracles, my soon-to-be-ex-husband actually initiated contact with me last week to go to the courthouse and file our divorce paperwork.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor I agreed to meet him on Friday, May 1st for what turned out to be an excruciatingly awkward and uncomfortable morning but at least when it was over, it was over.  He signed the divorce paperwork in front of a notary, we turned it in and they said the judge should sign it and make it official in 4 – 6 weeks.  Then we went to the title company where I signed a quit claim, turning the deed of the house over to him completely and in exchange he gave me one final guilt trip… and a check.

With that check I am moving into a 60 x 14, two bedroom, one bath trailer in a “bad” part of town, lol.  Ironically it is at the other end of a short street from the first trailer home we lived in when we first moved to this town 8 1/2 years ago.

I tried to use the housing voucher but the requirements are so strict I was unable to find housing in the price range and guidelines they set.  If I had one other person with me (like my youngest daughter), we could have easily found housing within the guidelines but as a single person there just wasn’t anything out there.

But in the end I think it’s OK.  I have 840 sq feet all to myself and can paint the walls any color I want, a second bedroom to make into an office/nail room and a little bit of yard that I can fill with plants and flowers to my heart’s content.  There’s new carpet in the living room and the master bedroom and there’s new linoleum in the kitchen.  The fridge is much newer and nicer than I expected and there’s a nice, big space to put a washer and dryer. There’s even a good-sized storage shed that’s included next to the trailer.  The neighborhood seems quiet, it’s on a dead-end street that ends against a steep hill but is only a block from a busy street so it’s easy to get everywhere.  The neighbors I’ve met seem nice and friendly and the landlord was a pleasure to work with.  I think I will do well there!

The down side is that the door to my new home has obviously been kicked in at some point because the deadbolt doesn’t have to be unlocked in order for the door to open and close.  The lock on the doorknob works just fine but I need to find a way to fix the deadbolt and I’m wondering if it would be worth it to change all the locks.  The windows are, well, old trailer home windows and not much better than plastic wrap at keeping the weather in or out.  Every single wall needs to be painted and there are several spots in the floors that will need stabilizing at some point in the near future.

There is so much more to setting up a new home than I expected, wow!  It’s entirely different than just moving with all your stuff.  I have to buy a broom, a mop, cleaning supplies, a thermostat for the furnace, window coverings, a shower curtain, towels, dishes, silverware… the list goes on and on.  But that’s just the little stuff!  I found a living room set at a nearby thrift store so I now have a couch, chair, a coffee table and an end table to go with my piano, bookshelves and computer desk.  The things I don’t have?  Kitchen table/chairs, bed, TV, DVD/BlueRay, tools (hammer, screwdriver, scissors, nails, etc.), plants – I miss my plants – they let them all die after I moved out in January…  Maybe I should start a GoFundMe account for all the little odds and ends of starting a new life, ha, ha!  Nope, I’m a big girl now and am exactly where I want to be so I’ll take whatever people offer me and slowly pick up whatever else I need. But I’m happy with my new home and wanting to hurry up and finish painting so I can move in, hopefully in the next couple of weeks. 🙂

Yesterday I moved the remainder of my stuff out of my former home.  Eight hours of packing the last little bit that I hadn’t gotten to before, lifting and moving all those boxes, totes and small bits of furniture left me stiff, sore and starving but it’s over.  It was so strange to see the sum total of my worldly possessions after 41 years of life and almost 21 years of marriage crammed into a 10′ x 15′ mini storage unit.  It felt like I should have had so much more and yet some of it I hadn’t even wanted to take.

A wonderful lady, who until yesterday I had considered more of an acquaintance than a close friend, showed up with her husband, one of their teenaged sons and their pickup truck and stayed for 5 hours helping me take 4 pickup loads and 2 trailer loads to my mini storage unit. I was embarrased that I was completely broke (the mini-storage cost more than I expected and left me with $7 until payday), I couldn’t even buy them pizza or sodas but I was sooooo very grateful for them, they were the only help I had… besides my soon-to-be-ex-husband and older daughter.

That infuriating man was pretty decently behaved yesterday, much to my surprise.  He had seemed offended that I didn’t ask for his help moving.  Nope, I can’t win.  My response to that was that he had made it very clear that he was not going to help me leave him in any way, shape or form so that was why I hadn’t asked him.  He countered with something along the lines of yes, he did say that to me but since I was going to leave him regardless he wanted to make the transition as smooth as possible.

I read that as him wanting me out of his house as soon as possible even if he has to help me go.  It suddenly seemed very appropriate to make him move my piano one more time. 

So I said he could help and in the end I was very grateful for his assistance and told him so.  The reward for my gratitude was a earnest, heartfelt plea for the girl he married, who was “madly in love with him”, by the way, “and he loved her in return” to come back to him because it’s not too late…

Gag me with a spoon.  That girl never loved him “madly” and I’ve had 20 years of his “love” and I’m not going to put up with another day of it.  However, after the conversation that led to my last post “If I Had Done What You’ve Done” my sole response to stuff like that is now and forevermore “I understand why you think/feel that way but I’m doing the right thing”. 

He walked away feeling confident that I am in the wrong and that he is the victim here but I walked away… Free.

The last time I spoke with my soon-to-be-ex-husband we discussed dividing up the household items and what not and something he said to me caught my attention.    I had asked him if we switched lists of stuff and he was only going to get what was on my list would he feel that it was fair?  His response was “If I had done what you’ve done I would be happy just to get away with a car and a place to stay.”

Uh, excuse me, what have I done?

His clarification was “If it was really as bad as you say it was I would be happy just to run away screaming.”.

20 years of marriage and that’s his justification for leaving me homeless, no alimony, with a bare minimum of “stuff” and having to wait 3 – 5 years to see any profit from selling the house.  It feels like he’s saying I deserve to have nothing in the same way that some people say a girl who wears tight clothing deserves to get raped.  That isn’t what he actually said but it feels like that’s what he meant.  What an ass.

I’ve been counseled by friends to get an attorney and take him to the cleaners, force him to sell the house immediately and ask for alimony.  It’s tempting, it truly is because this man is really pissing me off.  But in the end, it’s not who I am –  and still I have to live with myself for (hopefully) a long, long time.  On top of that I am more and more convinced that I am doing the right thing.  I KNOW that God is my provider and He will make a new life for me, just look at my amazing new job and the housing program I qualify for!  I also know that the man I married will have to answer to God for how he treated me and in light of that I pity him.

And if you know my husband please feel free to say anything you like to him – except the fact that I have this blog.  I’m done trying to shield his feelings but I would like to preserve what still feels like my private space to vent.  🙂

So call it walking the extra mile, call it turning the other cheek, call it whatever you like – I know I’m walking the path God has set me on, He will take care of me and my life will turn out good!

It’s been about 2 weeks since my last blog entry so here’s a little bit of catch-up.  First the negative:

My Easter visit to my younger daughter and her husband was heartbreaking and I’m still working through the roller-coaster of emotions, trying to regain some sort of internal balance.

I had a talk with my husband about splitting up our possessions and while I agreed to dividing things a certain way at the time I have since realized that allowing him to get 3 vehicles and 2/3 to 3/4 of the profit from selling the house is very unfair to me after 20 years of marriage.  Therefore I will be telling him that we need to sell the house right away and split the profits 50/50… I’m sure that will be a lovely conversation, ugh!

My car is the only car that is not paid off and the loan is only in his name.  Originally I was going to apply for a loan in my own name and transfer the car to my loan but then I realized that signing myself up for another 5 years or so of car payments was not the smartest thing I could do so I bought myself another car with my half of the state income tax return that finally showed up and left the car with the loan on it at the house for him to do whatever he wants to do with it.  He shocked me by saying “What happened to us being nice to each other and you applying for the car loan?”  My jaw dropped – I was not trying to be mean to him by giving the car back to him!

My sister found this guy on a dating app and started messaging him.  Turns out he attends the church I left and is being mentored by my husband.  This guy says that my husband freely admits that our divorce is his fault and he is “very humble about his shortcomings”.  So it’s OK for him to be angry and unpleasant to my face, take away my house key in spite of the fact that I am still on the home loan and the house is filled with my stuff, refuse to allow me the use of the pickup truck that still has my name on the title to move my things… but to the people at church he is a meek victim, freely confessing his faults and worthy of everyone’s pity and compassion because his rebellious, soon-to-be-ex-wife won’t give him a second chance.

I had already figured out that he sees himself as the victim in our upcoming divorce but this takes the cake, I’m literally blown away.

No wonder I was about to burst into tears all day today…

But here’s the positive side of life – my new job!  When I “auditioned” for this job they said over and over again “We are like family here” and I’m discovering that they really, truly meant it.  My bosses are Vietnamee, two brothers and a gal that they’ve known since childhood.  The older brother, I’m going to call him Hank here, has been a nail tech for 11 years and is the brains of the business but does not speak very good English.  The younger brother, I’ll call him Todd, has only been a nail tech for about 2 years but speaks much better English so he is the public face of the business and he jokes and laughs with all the customers.  The gal, I’ll call her Sheri, has also been a nail tech for 11 years and her nail art is AMAZING!  Her English is fairly good too so she helps answer the phones and interacts with the customers.  All of them put sanitation as their top priority with customer service a close second and I am so grateful, it’s such a different atmosphere than my previous salon!

My first day there Todd gave me a top-of-the-line pedicure.  Sugar scrub, a clay leg mask, paraffin wax, hot stone massage, lotion massage, the works.  It was Heaven!  Todd says that I have to experience everything the shop offers in order to tell customers about it.  Hank gave me a full set of acrylic nails and told me he wants to teach me everything he knows.  My second day on the job Todd showed me how to do glitter gel toes by putting them on me.  Sheri invited me to eat the food she brought – meat, veggies and rice – it was delicious!  My third day Todd bought donuts for all of us and Hank re-did my nail polish so that it would be perfect for my trip to see my daughter.  Each day was filled with smiles, food and laughter and I felt so included, like I really was a part of their family.

When I came back from my Easter trip nothing had changed.  I’ve left work each day since with warm fuzzies, feeling totally loved and accepted.  Hank bought the bolts to put my new license plates on my new car and after he finished attaching them he told me “Anything mechanical I fix for you, just ask me”.  They’re teaching me to speak Vietnamese, so far I know how to say “Help me” and “Hello”, lol.  Sheri makes food every day and she saves me a good-sized portion if I’m not able to eat it when she and the boys do.  Today they all stayed late so that I could finish my food, Todd helped me heat it and put it together, rice noodles, meat and broth formed some sort of soup that was very yummy.  They teased me about needing to learn how to use chopsticks. Hank said “Take your time, no rush” and with a bowl of Vietnamese soup I realized I have a new family, and I love them.

My husband showed up at my work this morning, gave me some mail, said he wants my name off all the household bills, gave me the spare key for my car in exchange for my key to the house and wants to meet with me to decide what to do with my car. The loan is only in his name and if the finance company can’t/won’t change it into my name then he said he would give me his car, which is paid for, and take mine. I don’t like his car and he doesn’t like mine so we’ll see how that works out…

Obviously he doesn’t trust me to have access to our house or to make the car payments and keep his credit pretty. 

He also said that I’m not doing the right thing, I’m breaking my covenant vows before God, he’s dissapointed that I informed him in writing instead of face to face, blah,  blah,  blah… and he’s relieved because he’s been “busting his butt” trying to love me and win me back and I “obviously don’t want to be won”.

I just listened. Anything I could have said would only have invited him to debate with me rather than provide him with enlightenment. I got two things out of his little statement:

1. He’s relieved. I feel like he wants a divorce as much as I do but will never admit it in a thousand years because it’s “wrong”.

2. And if the last 2 months were his best efforts at trying to show me love and win me over… well let’s just say that I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision. Everybody should run away from a lifetime of that! 

I know that not all guys are like him but right now I’m pretty disgusted with his entire gender, ugh!

I’m feeling good about finalizing this decision. There may have been better ways to handle it – and to be fair I feel like I did try to tell him twice face-to-face and was talked out of it – but at least it’s done and if I get enough tips I’m going to eat at my favorite resturant tonight, yay! 

No offense intended towards anyone actually named Cathy… but good grief, I’ve become a prolific blogger! 

On a more serious note though, this is how I decompress, vent, sort things out in my head, etc. so I’m sorry if it’s becoming too much for anybody – it honestly boggles my mind that I have over 100 followers of my (hopefully) super-secret and (unfortunately) often depressing journaling experiment so thank you for reading along.  I only hope that if you’re the victim of emotional abuse that you will gain strength from knowing you’re not alone and get out of that relationship!

Today was hard, nerve-wracking even.  I had written the “Dear John Letter” (see my previous post) last night but decided not to send it to my soon-to-be-ex-husband until this evening being as in the last two months since I moved out he has already tried to blame me for causing him so much stress that he made “big mistakes” at his work and feared being fired over them.  Now granted, he does work with hazardous chemicals so his “big mistake” could be significantly bigger than, say, an office worker’s but regardless, his work performance is not my fault or responsibility.  A lesson I am finally learning…  Even so, it was out of habit that I decided to try and avoid being blamed for yet another thing that I didn’t do so I emailed the letter to him when I got off work Friday night at 7 pm.  That gives him the entire weekend to be comforted by his friends so he can get his act together before going back to work on Monday.

It was very difficult to press the “send” button.  I had worked hard on the letter itself, short and to the point but firm and leaving no room to “fix” anything.  But I still re-read it about five times and then had to force myself to actually send it.  What is wrong with me?  Well, whatever it was, I conquered it and sent the dang thing off.

Instant Panic Attack.

I smothered it with some chicken strips and gravy from Dairy Queen and an animated movie with my local best friend and her family. Yes, I’m a stress eater so I’ll probably wind up at 400 pounds before this is over *sigh*.  But I sent the letter.  As of yet he has not responded, not that I expected him to, but I know we’re going to have to talk and work out a few things sooner rather than later, like getting the rest of my stuff out of the house and what we’re going to do with my car – that is only in his name.

By the way, if anyone has noticed a decline in my spelling and typing abilities I just want to say that it’s the fault of my new tablet keyboard.  I’ve had it for about a month now but I’m a very fast typist and this silly little keyboard doesn’t always keep up with me so I’m finding that I don’t catch all the mistakes.  Sorry!

…and I’m suddenly out of things to say.  I suppose that’s a good thing because I need to go to bed.  The boss has been on vacation all week so I only got one day off instead of my normal two and I’ve been super tired in the mornings.  Three more days until I get two off, then two days of work and then I’m off for five days to go see my younger daughter and her husband for Easter, yay!

Dear Husband,

I told you I would think about our conversation on Monday and try to write you a letter so here goes. 

You asked “Why are you here?” and that’s what I’ve been thinking about most.  Why was I there?  Why do I keep agreeing to meet with you?  What am I trying to accomplish?  I really had to think about it.  You seem to believe that I hadn’t yet filed for divorce because deep down in my heart I want to commit to restoring our relationship to what it should have been.

Honesty requires that I say this is not true, as I believe I communicated to you on Monday.

So why was I still meeting with you?  Healthy communication has always been my main goal and I thought I’ve made that clear from the get-go.  But your question forced me to realize that it’s the only thing I want to accomplish from our meetings.  I don’t want to move back in with you and I don’t want our marriage to continue.  Therefore, as of today, I have stopped wearing my wedding ring and have contacted the legal team at the women’s shelter to start the process of filing for divorce.  I will not be meeting with you for dates or to talking to you about our relationship anymore. 

I’m sorry this is hurtful to you.

I will still need to pick up our younger daughter’s things from the house, if it would be more convienient to do that after I get off work on Friday, April 3rd so that you and our older daughter could be out of the house while I am loading up please let me know.  I will remove my totes of things from the house as soon as I can after returning from my trip.

Sincerely,
Me

So I figured out what I was waiting for, why I keep meeting with my husband and never completely ending my marriage.

I want a Fairy Tale Divorce.  You know, where we meet and decide together that divorce is the right thing for both of us and we walk away with a deep friendship intact, based on the last 20 years of knowing each other.  And that we would remain amicable and agreeable to each other for the rest of our lives, capable of attending family events together and meeting for lunch occasionally to catch up and talk about the children.  Eventually we would be able to attend each other’s second weddings and be sincerely happy for the other and their new spouse and we could all go on double-dates together.

I can hear you laughing…

I know it’s the stuff that good comedy movies are made of and it’s never going to happen to me (just like everything else that happens in movies will never happen to me) but I must still believe in fairy tales because I’ve kept waiting for him to realize that divorce is what’s best for us and be happy about it.

OK, fine, so my life wasn’t written by Disney.

I have to tell him it’s over, take the ring off and contact the court advocate at the women’s shelter to begin filing for divorce.

Clearly, verbalizing to him that it’s over has not worked thus far.  That Guy keeps showing up and changing my mind.  Therefore it needs to be done in writing.  BEFORE our next scheduled “date night”, which is on Wednesday next week.  In fact, the sooner the better.  I need to stop beating around the bush, stop wishing upon a star and start hacking my way through the jungle of paperwork necessary to become single.

First step – the Ring is off, check. Next step – called the court advocate on my way to work today, check. Final step (to this process, at least) – writing him the letter officially ending our marriage when I get home from work tonight.

Wish me luck, think kind thoughts about me and if you pray, please pray for me to get through this in one piece…