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For the very first time ever I went back and re-read every single blog post I have written here, it was very interesting to see where I’ve changed, remember things I had forgotten and make a few realizations about myself…

The very first thought that popped into my head when I had finished was “I’m not nearly as funny as I think I am!” Ha, Ha! ¬†Oh well, it’s not going to stop me from being me, eventually somebody will think I’m funnier than I do ūüėČ

The next thought I had was “Why have I worked so hard to keep this blog and my identity a secret? ¬†Good grief, there’s really not any juicy details in here at all!” ¬†But the truth of the matter is that if my ex had read this blog while I was still married he would have been so angry with me and I would have lost my safe place to express my feelings.

I feel like I should clarify that he never hit me (or our children) or abused me physically. ¬†I wish he would have because then I would have felt free to leave him much earlier but his abuse was far subtler and took me years of seeing counselors here and there to realize he really was abusive. ¬†Anyway…

Back to this blog – before we were married he found my diary and asked if he could read it. ¬†Stupidly I said yes, believing that we shouldn’t have any secrets between us and after he read it he was upset that I wrote about having feelings for someone else BEFORE I MET HIM. ¬†I should have known then that this wasn’t going to work out but I was incredibly young, dumb and naive… so instead I burned my diary and never kept another paper one because I realized he would always find them and read them if he could.

Dear God, I should write a book about who not to date or marry…

I am not a great writer but it is very therapeutic for me to write things down and get them out of my system, eventually I always come back to some form of writing despite the dangers of it being discovered.

I’ve decided that I’m still going to keep most of my details vague, I’ve given access to this blog to a few of my closest friends but it makes me feel better to think that it’s still “anonymous” even though I know that true privacy is a fairy tale in this day and age. ¬†(The Machine is real! ¬†Where’s Jim Caviezel when I need him?) ¬†Also, just because of who I am, I have no desire to make my ex-husband look bad by airing his dirty laundry in public, that would just be rude. ¬†And I suspect he has not changed enough to pull off another marriage so the truth will come out in it’s own good time… ¬†was that mean? ¬†Probably. ¬†Oh well…

Oh, another thing I realized is that I think I know why my former mother-in-law is so upset with me… In the letter I sent to my family – and his – trying to explain why I left him I said that my ex was just like my mother. ¬†Which is very true. ¬†It is also something I had told him several times so it was not news to him but it probably was new information to his mother and his mom was not a big fan of my mom. ¬†I really should have had someone read that letter before I sent it, it was far too long and went places there was no need to go <sigh>. ¬†Oh well, it is what it is and I can’t change it now but her icy coldness to me makes a little more sense now.

I also realized that I never wrote about my Las Vegas trip! ¬†That will have to be it’s own blog, it’s funny now that I’m a good six months away from it…

Speaking of being positive, I also felt like a great many of my posts had a forced sense of optimism to them, which surprised me. ¬†I think I am a fairly positive person and always try to see the upside of things but it felt more like I was making desperate grabs at something I wanted to feel but didn’t or maybe that I was attempting to cover up how bad it really was by focusing on my faith that things would get better. ¬†Well then. ¬†I’ll have to think about that for a bit longer…

Today, I’m healthy physically and emotionally – I haven’t been on any medication for depression, anxiety, insomnia or my thyroid for an entire year now. ¬†I’ve gained a bit of weight, OK – a lot of weight, since the hysterectomy last year but I guess that’s normal and I’m going to have to fight even harder to lose weight from now on than I did before. ¬†Oh goodie…

Mentally and emotionally I’m stronger – I’ve learned how to deal with angry people and be confident in my own self and the skills that I have. ¬†I’ve learned how to walk away from people who are toxic to me and love them from a distance where they can’t wound me anymore and I’ve even been able to stand up for myself on multiple occasions. ¬†Practice makes perfect, eh? ¬†(Please Lord, stop giving me opportunities to practice…)

Spiritually I feel bigger? ¬†I’m not sure of the right word for that one. ¬†I’ve simplified my list of do’s and don’ts and that has strengthened my faith considerably. ¬†In October I started going to a little church near where I used to work and I love it. ¬†It’s a tiny ¬†little congregation, maybe 20 people on any given Sunday but they worship for most of an hour and it’s so real there. ¬†Some days the service is a beautiful disaster. ¬†People, both on the stage and off, are completely genuine and there is no show there. ¬†The messages are spoken, not preached, with input welcomed from the congregation so frequently it feels like a group discussion more than a lecture. ¬†I’ve learned a lot this year about God and His goodness, He has taken such good care of me and I know He will continue to do so during this next step in my journey.

If sharing my journey helps you then I’m glad and¬†if you’re in a life like mine don’t give up! ¬†If you want to be friends then say so in the comments, we’ll figure something out. ¬†If you want to donate to the cause my PayPal address is… no, just kidding. ¬†If you want to help go find someone in ¬†your own life who is lonely or sad a lot of the time. ¬†Find someone you suspect is being abused in some way and go be their friend. ¬†Help them. ¬†There’s a lot of us out there with stories like mine and more people out there with stories worse than mine. ¬†Just go make a difference in one life, it will be worth it, I promise.

And Dear God, if somebody out there is friends with Keanu Reeves please have them introduce me… He is such a handsome man and everything I’ve read about him says he’s a nice guy too. It would be so niced to meet a nice guy… <sigh> ūüėÄ

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Forgive me friends, for I have been busy, it’s been 8 months since my last blog…

Since November, in mostly chronological order, all of this stuff has happened:

In early December I had¬†a hysterectomy – it went well, I recovered quickly and my life-long anemia is gone, yay! ¬†Sadly, my need to chew ice is also gone which means I’m not drinking enough water anymore <sigh>. ¬†Overall it was a super good trade though, especially since there is an entire row in the grocery store I can avoid now, whoo hoo!

I went to visit my dad twice, once in December and again in April.  Both trips were good and made me realize that moving to be near him is definitely the right thing to do.

Christmas was a little disappointing, mostly because my household of kiddos left me for their parents homes so it wound up just being me and my sister for most of the day, binge watching Netflix and missing the bounty of a holiday table prepared for lots of people. ¬†It made me realize that being able – or not being able – to give isn’t what lost the Christmas “magic” for me, it was being with people I love and who love me back and that honestly hasn’t happened for years and years… and years.

Online dating, yes, that happened too. ¬†I tried three different sites – I started with Christian Mingle, figuring that I would be most comfortable there and found Tom. ¬†We were chatting up a storm using their online messenger service and I was really enjoying his writing style, I felt like we were clicking and had been messaging each other for a good hour when all of a sudden he blocked me. ¬†It was so weird, I hit send to post my latest response to our conversation and the website informed me that he had blocked me. ¬†Rude! ¬†Beyond that there just didn’t seem to be very many guys on Christian Mingle so I kept my membership there and started a second one with eHarmony. ¬†They are soooo expensive! ¬†Dang! ¬†It was the day before my hysterectomy that I found Mike. ¬†He was a Russian man living in Oregon (the Oregon coast is my happy place) he was nice and kind and sweet and gave all the right answers… until he started to ask me questions about sex. ¬†Now I know that I have a hang up in this area because of my ex¬†– I’m starting to realize that most of the sex I had in my almost 21 year marriage could probably qualify as date rape and I should probably go see a counselor – so when Mike¬†started by asking basic questions about sex I went along with the conversation with the thought that it would help free me from some of the chains I had been carrying. ¬†But once the conversation turned physical Mike didn’t want to talk about anything else and I became more and more uncomfortable until I¬†finally let him know. ¬†He admitted that his plan for our first face-to-face encounter was picking me up at the airport, dinner and then a hotel. ¬†Nope, nope, nope. ¬†I ended it right there, cancelled both my eHarmony and Christian Mingle subscriptions and took a break from online dating for a few months. ¬†Then a customer told me she was engaged to someone she met on Zoosk and said that she had a great experience with that dating site so I figured I would give it a shot and I ¬†narrowed my search to the town my father lives in, thinking that it would be nice to get to know someone online really well before meeting in person (because it worked so well with Mike, right? ¬†I’m not quite sure what I was thinking…) ¬†On Zoosk I met Tony. ¬†Nice guy, gave lengthy, real answers to my questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. ¬†On day four of our online chatting I asked if he had any pets, he said that he lost his cat recently. ¬†I said that must have been hard for his young daughter and he said – all in one chat bubble – that it was harder on him than his daughter and he bet I was a good kisser. ¬†Really? ¬†He seriously went from dead cat to kissing. ¬†It fizzled out with Tony shortly after that and I ended my search on Zoosk. ¬†At this point I am so close to moving that I’m just going to wait until I am in Montana before I attempt to meet any more potential boyfriends, ugh!

In April I took 10 glorious days off of work and went to the Oregon Coast with my best friend from high school for 5 days and then went to visit my father for 3 days, it was a great vacation, very relaxing and reestablished my desire to live in either Newport or Lincoln City someday!

Just before Mother’s Day I ran into my ex husband at the movie theater and my, oh my, wasn’t that exciting! ¬†My bosses took me to see the new Captain America movie that he and my older daughter just happened to attend as well. ¬†He marched up to me and said in a very grumpy voice “I just want to say Happy Mother’s Day” and also told me that he had given a piece of paper to our younger daughter earlier to give to me. ¬†I asked if he wanted to meet my bosses and he curled his lip as though he had just eaten something extremely distasteful, said no and then turned around and marched away. ¬†My older daughter never once turned to look at me, say hi or even wave. ¬†Huh. ¬†They were with a group of people from their church and a few of them were friendly to me and said hi, which was nice but the very best part of the entire evening was when my Vietnamese bosses – who are from San Jose, CA – asked if my ex was a gang member. ¬†They have a lot of experience with gangs (and have been victims of gang activities) and based on their experience and what they saw at the movie theater – the way he approached me, stood and spoke to me and marched away – they thought he was in a gang! ¬†I nearly laughed my head off! ¬†So much for the love of Christ shining through him, they saw him for what he was, a very angry man with no love or compassion in his heart towards those he doesn’t believe deserve it. ¬†That frankly, was the highlight of my month!

My twin nieces graduated high school at the beginning of June and I took a few more days off work to attend their ceremony and party afterwards, which my ex also attended. ¬†I knew he would be there so I was a little more prepared to see him but he did his best to avoid me at both the graduation and the party. ¬†The graduation was busy but it was obvious that he refused to look at me and wouldn’t even come stand with the entire family once I joined then. ¬†Then at the party my brother held at his home my ex and older daughter arrived after I did and it didn’t seem right to just jump up and greet him warmly when he got there but¬†I tried to catch his eye here and there so that I could smile and say hi but he still refused to look at me. ¬†I did, however, go and stand next to my older daughter as she spoke with her cousins for about two minutes and she never did turn around to say hi or acknowledge that I was there in any way. ¬†I finally gave up and went to sit down at a table on the outer edge of the party area. ¬†Then his parents showed up, which I thought was odd because it was my brother’s children’s graduation party… but I went over to say hi to his father knowing my ex was standing nearby and figuring I could greet him then – except that he moved away as I approached his dad. ¬†His father was very kind and gracious, he gave me several warm hugs and we had a nice conversation for probably 15 – 20 minutes. ¬†Which was, by the way, the only time at the entire graduation weekend that my older daughter spoke to me at all or even looked my way was when she and I were both speaking to her grandfather. ¬†My ex’s mother was a different story entirely, I said hello and she said my name in a way that made me feel icicles stabbing my heart. ¬†When dinner was ready my ex was serving the meat to everyone in line. ¬†I debated whether or not I should get in line because it seemed obvious to me that he didn’t want to speak to me but then I decided to be the adult, get in the food line and say hi to him once my turn was up because then at least he couldn’t run away from me. ¬†My sister was ahead of me and she said “Hi” and “Thank you” when it was her turn to get the meat but he did not look at her or speak to her. ¬†I thought he was very rude to her. ¬†I also said “Hi” and “Thank you” and he stopped what he was doing, looked at me and said with anger in his voice “I’m surprised you’re speaking to me”. ¬†I’m sure my jaw hit the floor, from everything I could tell he was the one avoiding me and yet he was obviously angry that I was avoiding him. ¬†The only thing I managed to stutter was “I wasn’t trying not to”. ¬†I think I said that twice and then after opening and closing my ¬†mouth like a guppy several times I turned and walked away from the food line because I was so shocked. ¬†I left the party shortly after that, it was just to awkward to stay. ¬†At my own brother’s house. ¬†It’s actually rather irritating that he made me so uncomfortable that I left and he and his parents stayed to visit with my family. ¬† Just one more testament to the fact that my brothers don’t really care that much about me I guess. ¬†I made sure to tell him goodbye and that I was sorry he thought I was avoiding him. ¬†Seriously? ¬†I saw a meme on Facebook that said “You destroyed me and I apologized”. ¬†Yep, I just did it again. ¬†Crap. ¬†His father gave me another big hug and his mother gave me a slightly less icy glare. ¬†My father walked me to my car and said “I’m sorry to say this but I think maybe your marriage should have ended 10 years ago”. ¬†Damn right! ¬†But I wasn’t the person I needed to be in order to leave 10 years ago… but I am where God wants me to be right now. ¬†My biggest hope is that since my father saw it maybe my brothers also saw how my ex treated me that weekend and that maybe their eyes opened a wee bit as to why I left him. ¬†Although in the end that is not super important either, I know I did the right thing.

The week after we get back from the graduation my younger daughter had coffee with her father like she does every month and I took my older daughter out to dinner like I do every month. ¬†He doesn’t even pay for my younger daughter’s coffee when they meet, he’s such a tightwad, lol. ¬†My dinner with the older was was actually one of the nicest visits we’ve ever had, which I thought was very strange given the fact that she tried to have as little to do with me as possible just three days before… ¬†My younger daughter’s coffee was much more exciting because her father introduced her to his girlfriend! ¬†The girlfriend wants to be friends with our younger daughter and she’s not sure if she wants that but I told her to at least try it out – this gal might be the best thing that ever happened to her father and hopefully this girl will make him a better person. ¬†It was curious to me that my very first emotion after hearing he has a girlfriend was relief. ¬†I actually felt like a large stone had rolled off of my shoulders! ¬†Maybe now he’ll stop being so angry with me – although judging by the fact that he had been dating this girl for some time before the graduation and he was still so angry with me at the graduation… that might not be a realistic hope. ¬†I looked her up on Facebook and my second reaction was to laugh hard – she looks so young, I’ll bet she’s going to want kids! ¬†The thought of him getting his vasectomy reversed for her and going through the whole infant and child-rearing thing again (knowing how “helpful” he was the first time around) really struck my funny bone and I just roared with laughter. ¬†But ultimately I truly hope he finds someone that he genuinely loves and respects. ¬†Maybe then he will become a decent human being and stop being so angry about everything all the time. ¬†I wish him a good life with someone who loves him, I truly do. ¬†I wish it for myself as well.

And now we’re up to the present. ¬†Work is going well and I’ve had some amazing paychecks now that the weather is getting so hot. ¬†I’m almost ready to list my trailer for sale and as soon as it sells I will be moving to Montana to be near my father and his wife – oh, and I started calling her Mom at Christmas. ¬†I’m embarrassed it’s taken me this long to do it, she’s such a nice, kind lady who has always loved us kids as her own and I’m really looking forward to getting to know both her and my father better. ¬†My bosses are still wonderful and thank God¬†I’m not in love with either of the boys anymore, it was on-again-off-again for a while but I’m in a good place now and their entire family¬†had a lot to do with getting me there. ¬†They treat me like I’m a born sister to them, in fact they’re taking me with them to Las Vegas for the Fourth of July! ¬†It’s me and six of their family members going and they’ve paid for everything – my plane ticket, hotel room, food, everything, they’re just amazing people and it will be sooo hard to leave them and not just because they buy me so much stuff but because I truly love them as my own family.

I know that I write all of this out for me, it’s how I process my life and sort things out in my head, but thank you for following me and for taking the time to read all of this. ¬†I’m just an ordinary girl, trying to do the right thing every day. ¬†Most of the time I feel like I succeed but some days I don’t. ¬†I’m healthier now than I ever have been both emotionally and physically. ¬†The one-year anniversary of the divorce came and went and I didn’t even notice it until a few days later. ¬†I feel healed from my marriage and from my life before. ¬†I wish you healing from your damage as well and blessings to you.

A whole month has flown by since my last post and I feel like I’ve been living an entirely different life now that my daughter’s home. ¬†A really good life but completely different than the six months before that had been.

My younger daughter, whom I’m going to start calling Tina here, has decided to stay living with me and not go back to her abusive husband. ¬†She is keeping her married last name and starting to go by her middle name instead of her first name in effort to have a fresh start. ¬†She is applying to enroll in a different school district than she went to before she dropped out and she was hired last week¬†at a local restaurant. ¬†Tina has started to reconnect with some of her old friends and seems to be much healthier emotionally than when I first picked her up. ¬†She really enjoyed working at the nail salon with me and is considering becoming a nail tech after she graduates from high school. ¬†The only friction we’ve had is over her puppy, who needs obedience classes almost as much as she needs to know how to train him. ¬†She is also doing a terrible job of cleaning up after him and if she can’t get on top of it I told her we aren’t going to be able to keep him so we’ll see how that turns out.

Something that started out fun and then went sad – I had a son for most of a month. A sweet 18 year old young man moved in with his aunt and uncle next door to me and I’m not sure I’ve ever met a teenage boy that was¬†so helpful, so well mannered and kind. ¬†He was also one of the most wounded, damaged souls I’ve met in a long time too. ¬†Sent here by his family in California to get away from gang members that wanted to hurt him and drug use he had no sense of self worth whatsoever and didn’t feel like anyone loved him or believed in him. ¬†He cried almost every time he told me more of his background. ¬†I took him to church with us and he sang, he raised his hands and he gave me a hug and then just clung to me, sobbing. ¬†My heart went out to this boy and I wanted to help him, to make a difference in his life so I started including him in meals and activities with Tina and me and I told him I was adopting him. ¬†I thought things were improving for him and then one day he was gone. ¬†He went back to California and didn’t even say goodbye, I hope he stays safe and doesn’t go back to his old life.

Work has been busy and my work relationships have been going just fine, yay! ¬†Because of several little things he’s said and done I’m pretty sure that my boss, Todd, does like me more than “just friends” but I’ve decided that I only like him as a good friend or a brother and could never be comfortable dating him, which has made my life a lot easier. ¬†On the other hand I absolutely adore his brother, Hank, and while I don’t see me ever dating him or liking him romantically I definitely love him a lot. ¬†And yes, it feels really weird to love a guy so much but neither of us be at all interested in kissing, holding hands or anything intimate that I’ve always associated with boy-girl love. ¬† Hank makes me smile and just being around him brings me so much joy, it’s like he’s a little radiator but instead of heat I receive joy and happiness when I’m around him. ¬†He makes me want to be that kind of person for everyone around me.

My ex contacted me a week or so ago and wanted me to pay something that had gone to collections. ¬†And then he wanted to know why Tina hadn’t returned any of his text messages and where was she on getting her divorce and what was going on in her life and why wasn’t I telling him anything about her. ¬†Then he asked, again, why I left and divorced him… and if there was any chance for us to get back together. ¬†Good grief that man is dense! ¬†I paid the bill and then wrote him a letter and told him that I would keep him in the loop if Tina went to the ER or anything urgent like that but from now on he needed to build a relationship with her and get her to trust him enough to tell him about her life herself. ¬†I gave him three reasons why I left and divorced him, the main one being that he is still emotionally abusive, and I told him that no, there is no chance of us getting back together again so he should feel free to move on with his life and find himself a nice little wife to share it with.

Health-wise I’ve been having some minor issues so I had some labs done and an ultrasound of my gall bladder. ¬†Turns out the gall bladder is fine but I have a mild fatty liver and an under active thyroid… and I’m anemic. ¬†I have an appointment next month to talk to the doctor about it but in the meantime I’m on a synthetic thyroid medicine and iron pills along with my anti depressant and sleep medicine. ¬†I feel like I’m taking a lot of pills now, ugh!

I get one day off a week and it’s not quite enough to be fully rested but until winter comes that’s how it is, lol. ¬†I try to visit with one friend each week and get all my bills and errands taken care of on my day off. ¬†Today I met with two friends for a late lunch and then we wandered around an outdoor mall and did some shopping, It was fun!

And that has been my life for the last month. ¬†I’ve gone from being a single woman living alone to being a busy single mom and I feel like God brought everything together perfectly – my bosses have a lot going on at home¬†and stopped inviting me to hang out with them as much as they used to while at the exact same time I would have had to start saying no to a lot of their invitations so that I could spend more time with Tina. ¬†Life is good! ¬†I am well provided for with my job, my relationship with Tina is better than it’s ever been, I have good friends, God is faithful and I am blessed.

Or at least that was a saying when I was a child.¬† I always thought it was just because people who thought they were Righteous needed a reason to explain why they never got any rest without having to place themselves in the Wicked category.¬† I would like some rest… does that make me Wicked?

I haven’t blogged for a while.¬† So let’s try for a quick update – while my life has been pretty good since my last blog (hence the lack of writing – does that make me a whiner?) here is what I remember:

SUPER GOOD – I went to Reno with my best friend from high school and we had an SOO MUCH FUN¬†together, we even went down to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon.¬† I saw my child exactly once for about 5 minutes as I brought her breakfast the first morning.¬† She never did tell me when and where they were going to perform so I didn’t get to see it.¬† I did not come home with a tattoo <slightly sad about that> but I’m still thinking really hard about getting one.¬† The best news ever is that my daughter did not get any migraines requiring me to take her to the ER but I’m still glad I went!

OK – I have continued to see my husband’s counselor with him, this last session wasn’t terribly productive, I think the counselor talks a little bit too much about his own life that I don’t see as applying to us but he did manage to bring up a question or two that was good food for thought until the next meeting.¬† That hour goes fast.¬† Thank goodness for the EAP program or I’d feel like I was wasting my money on the co-pays, ugh!

SAD – One week before school ended my youngest (musical) daughter, who has poured her heart into the three music classes she’s taken this year, was cut from her very favorite class, the jazz choir, exactly 5 minutes after her boyfriend dumped her so she had a miserable last week of school but she is very glad it’s over and seems to be feeling better about it now.¬† I’m debating on whether or not I should say anything to the choir teacher.¬†¬†Half of me is mad at him,¬†I’m upset¬†that he seems to be unwilling to deal with the issues that go along with her head injury, I feel like he doesn’t believe she has a real medical condition and dropped her because he thinks she’s a flake.¬† The other part of me is relieved I don’t have to fight with him for another year about being a chaperone on all of her out-of-town trips and just plain ole doesn’t¬†to talk to him anymore.¬† Yes, I’m a very non-confrontational person which means if I’m confronting you I’m usually VERY UPSET with you.

BAD AND GOOD – My husband has made great improvements in becoming a nicer guy but now that the two month “probation” period has been over by a couple of months most the things that he was doing to prove¬†to me that he loved me for more than sex¬†have pretty much evaporated.¬† All the “romantic” stuff is completely gone, he hasn’t given me a¬†back rub in almost two months, hasn’t opened my car door for at least a month and I’m pretty sure that all¬†his compliments dried up a couple of days after the two months was over.¬† In short, we’re very nearly back to where we were before the two-months except for a few certain things.¬†¬†He has become more¬†relaxed about¬†my being late, which is one of his biggest buttons that I constantly seem to be pushing because¬†I’m just not a very on-time person – never have been.¬† Also, he’s been quicker to apologize to both me and our children when he has spoken to one of us in “high emotion”, I’m getting a nice email from him almost every day at work and he is definitely being more open about how he feels when I ask him.¬†¬†I know changing your entire self is difficult and I can see that he’s working hard at it so I’ll¬†be content with the relationship we have for now.¬† No promises from me that this marriage will last forever but we just passed¬†our 19th anniversary, that’s a pretty good record in this day and age.

BAD – I thought my job was going quite well… until I received an Employee Improvement Plan two weeks ago.¬† Apparently I have a month (two more weeks at this point ) to stop making mistakes or I will be “Disciplined or Terminated”.¬† Oh goody.¬† I think what’s really going on is I’ve not been “good enough” for a couple of the attorneys that hold some power in this office and they want me gone but we’ll see in the middle of July how that goes.¬† I can only do my best.¬† As punishment for my past mistakes (or perhaps so they can snoop through my desk easier) they took away my flex schedule which gave me a half day every Monday and I worked until 6 pm Tues – Fri so I could still have a full 40 hours.¬† I’m thinking that by my leaving at 5 pm they don’t have to stay until 6:30 to look through my work and check up on me – now they only have to stay until 5:30, ha, ha.¬† Unfortunately for me, I felt like I did my best¬†work during¬†that peaceful, quiet, uninterrupted hour between 5 and 6 pm when hardly anyone was in the office.¬†¬†That’s definitely not going to help me during this month’s probation at all.¬† Can you get unemployment when you’re fired for “Unsatisfactory Job Performance after almost two years of employment?”¬† If I lose my job I lose my benefits and neither I or my daughter can get the medicine we need to stay on top of our medical conditions so yeah, I’m a little stressed.¬† Maybe I can start a daycare in my home…¬† although I did find¬†a job with the County that I think I’ll¬†apply for, the cut-off date for applications is right about the time my month of probation should end, then maybe I can give my two weeks at that meeting instead of getting fired, wouldn’t that be nice?

GREAT – I received and finished a transcription job last weekend and am waiting for the check to come, hopefully this week.¬† It should go straight to bills but I want to keep a little bit of fun money out for myself.¬† Is that wrong?¬† I earned it, 100%.¬† It’s outside my job and outside the budget… if only we weren’t so behind, ugh!

FUN – Speaking of being behind I have become a consultant for a direct sales company and am trying to get that going for¬† some extra cash.¬† I love having the “parties” with good food and meeting new people, hopefully this will help pull me out of the doldrums as well as help us get out of debt.

REFLECTING – So all in all my life has been, and continues to be¬†a roller-coaster.¬† I appreciate everyone who follows my blog, I hope you’re getting more out of it than I am, lol!¬† I’m just writing it all down to sort it out, re-organize it and decide how I feel about it before absorbing my life’s events back into my head again.¬† Kind of like when you¬†clean Grandma’s basement.¬† It’s so packed with stuff piled everywhere that the best way to deal with it is to pull piles out of the room, sort them into your Keep, Donate and Toss piles and then put the Keep stuff back in the room,¬†pull another pile out and do it all over again.¬† That is what this blog is for me.¬† That oddball space where I can pull things out, write them down and try to decide how I feel about them, what emotions connected to each event should I Keep and which should I Toss.

And there I am, laid out bare for you to see.¬† What do you see by the way?¬† I hardly ever get feedback on my posts…¬† Am I just an interesting read and ya’ll go off talking about the crazy lady online when you’re done?¬† Talk to me…what are your thoughts about what I should do next?¬† Help please!

I have so many ideas on what to blog but I feel scatterbrained and unable to complete an entire blog on anything…

I want to write a letter to all my husband‚Äôs relatives (and a few of mine too) and explain my life to them so they would hopefully understand why I behave in ways they deem ‚Äúrude‚ÄĚ.¬† I can totally see this as something that would turn into a bestselling book/booklet and millions of people could buy it and hand it to other people and say ‚ÄúJust read it, this explains everything‚ÄĚ.¬† Lol.

I want to write about the Orchestra trip to Portland with my youngest daughter… okie dokie, what I wrote here is actually long enough – and crazy enough – to be its own post so look for it soon ūüôā

I want to write about passing Day 30 and how my husband has stayed Prince Charming 98% of the time ‚Äď a new record for him!¬† The biggest proof so far of his¬†new-found¬†love and devotion for me is the fact that I mentioned at some point that I only own two bras and one of them has a broken underwire that pokes and pinches me.¬† He actually went to Walmart, on his very own, and purchased two bras ‚Äď and even got the size right ‚Äď although though it nearly embarrassed him to death to be seen anywhere near women‚Äôs undergarments in public, much less than purchasing them with a male checker. ¬†He said he was nervous and beet red and kept looking around for another checker… I found that to be hilarious and bordering on true romance at the same time.

I want to write about the beauty of the waterfalls that seem to be everywhere and the greenness of spring that has already come, at least to Portland.¬† Visual beauty restores peace in my soul and I start to feel again.¬† There is so much water here that everything is alive and green ‚Äď even mundane landscaping seems beautiful to me, is that weird? ¬†Maybe I should move to Portland or Seattle someday?

I want to write about work and how I‚Äôm feeling like I will never be fast enough to do a good job like the other girls but I‚Äôm confident that I am doing my very best and truly can‚Äôt do any better.¬† I am and always have been very thorough in whatever job I do… but always at the cost of speed. ¬†I’m not a slow poke by any means but I’ve never been Speedy Gonzalez either. ¬†At this point I‚Äôm kind of waiting for them to fire me in the not-so-distant future and hoping I can talk them into just laying me off instead because A) I believe I was poorly trained and have brought that to their attention many times and B) My medical issues truly do prevent me from doing the job properly. ¬†If I were laid off I could at least get unemployment and I would LOVE not to have to work for a while because both life and home are so overwhelming for me right now‚Ķ all I want to do is sleep all day, every day.¬† I‚Äôm scared to lose this job though because the benefits are so excellent and how on earth will we be able to pay for everything my daughter with Post Concussion Symptom needs? ¬†Also I won‚Äôt be able to get my own pills for depression, anxiety and insomnia or go to the doctor without the insurance, but then again, maybe I won‚Äôt need all the remedies for stress if I don‚Äôt have this stressful job, eh?

I want to write about the book I read on Boundaries ‚Äď for several months now I’ve¬†been on this journey of ‚Äúfinding myself‚ÄĚ and never would have thought to phrase it as ‚ÄúI‚Äôm looking for my boundaries‚ÄĚ because that seems like a negative thing ‚Äď like someone else is trying to ‚Äúfence me in‚ÄĚ and limit me but honestly, I am looking for my boundaries because everything within my boundaries is me and defines who I am. ¬†My skin is my physical boundary, everything outside it cannot be called by my name, but where are my emotional and relational boundaries?¬† The book talked about how children will either spend all their energy on surviving their childhood or they will thrive in their childhood and use all their energy to develop the skills they will need as an adult.¬† I‚Äôm realizing that I survived my childhood and there are a lot of skills that I don‚Äôt have.¬† I think my husband probably survived his childhood as well, we are each missing some of the same skills and there are a few skills that one of us lacks that but other has‚Ķ it makes for a very confusing life together and I can‚Äôt imagine what¬†we’ve¬†done to our children.¬† I‚Äôm sure they survived/are surviving and can‚Äôt wait to get away from us, sorry girls.

I want to write about Panic Attacks since my body keeps trying to make me think I‚Äôm having a heart attack and I refuse to believe it anymore because every single time¬†I’ve¬†gone to the ER for these symptoms the doctors say it‚Äôs ‚Äújust a Panic Attack‚ÄĚ and that my heart is quite healthy‚Ķ and then they hand me a very large bill, some of them I’m still paying for, ugh!

I want to write about beautiful music and how it breaks the ice around my soul and gives me emotions I haven‚Äôt had in years. ¬†Right now the music that touches me the most is “New Age”, stuff like Yanni and Enya. ¬†Soothing, beautiful melodies and harmonies with very few words but because of it’s¬†categorization¬†(New Age) my mother was very against me listening to it in high school. ¬†She thought it was spiritually liked to some sort of cult. ¬†There’s way more to that story but I will have to make another blog about it some other time.

I want to write about Farmville and how that stupid game gives me a sense of accomplishment just by feeding electronic animals and harvesting electronic crops that I rarely feel in the real world. ¬†I stopped playing it for years at my husband’s request but my children started playing it so now we “farm” together – yes, I know, what a great family activity in this age of technology – it’s a true bonding activity for the girls and me. <snicker>

Each one of these topics seems worthy of its own blog entry and yet feel like¬†I’ve¬†just emptied my head about all of them.¬† I‚Äôm so tired and very weary‚Ķ and yes, they really are two different things.

Right now I‚Äôm growing, I‚Äôm changing and I’m in a season of chaos. ¬†Yet I‚Äôm learning that this is not the end, it‚Äôs actually another beginning.¬† Hope stirs within me like a crocus pushing through the snow in spring‚Ķ winter is not quite over but the worst seems to be past and I may yet still bloom!

I spent last night looking for new jobs online and then this morning I called in sick.  I emailed two of my bosses with more of an explination regarding the stresses at work and why I was staying home, one of them emailed back:

Take care of yourself.¬† Things are going to get better at work…I can feel it!¬† We will see you Monday.

That doesn’t sound like someone who’s waiting to fire me¬† the minute I get back, maybe things will be all right.¬† Just¬†in case¬†I’m going to keep looking for a new job through…