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Yesterday/Monday, was… was… well it was a lot of things.  It was my one and only day off this week so I:

Deposited my check, notarized a will, picked up a hot-spot to make up for my lack of internet at my sister’s apartment and went to the local glass-blowing art studio to ask about getting a couple of dishes custom made for my acrylic powder and monomer.

All of this was on my way to my first counseling appointment at the women’s shelter.  The nice thing was that I’ve seen this counselor last year for about 4 months so it was a lot easier to catch her up to where I’m at currently than if we had never met before.  One of the questions she asked is why I’m still meeting with my husband, what am I trying to accomplish by continuing to meet with him like this? 

I pondered her question all the way to the new nail salon I’m trying to get a job at.  I met with the owners, two brothers and a sister. I did a pedicure on one of the brothers and I did an acrylic fill on the sister.  The other brother said they would need to talk amongst themselves because they are all partners but he thought everybody liked me and would let me know if I can work there soon.  It’s a MUCH better salon, everything is super sanitary, much more upscale and spa-like than where I’m at now but in spite of the higher quality most of the services are only about $5 more expensive than where I’m at now.  The owner stressed repeatedly how much they are a family and if I came to work there I would be joining their family.  The comission is also 10% higher…  I REALLY want to work there!  The downside is that it’s a new salon, only been open for about 2 months, so they’re not very busy yet.  I asked if they thought I would be able to take home at least $200/week to cover my bills and they said yes so I’m willing to give them a shot.  Hopefully they’ll give me a shot as well!

When that was done I texted my husband that I would be late to our scheduled 5 pm meeting because I was still trying out at the new salon.  His response?  “As you wish”.  That should be this romantic reference to the Princess Bride but from him all I sense is sarcasm every time he says it.  Ugh.  I called him when I was done at the new salon to let him know that I was enroute to our meeting and his voice was terse and I felt like he was upset with me.  I arrived at our dinner location to find him waiting, as stoic as ever and oozing negativity.  Ugh again.  I ordered my meal – I have got to stop buying lots of food when we meet like this because as usual, I had about four bites and then lost my appetite so that was $20 bucks down the drain – and then we sat down to talk because this was a “talking meeting”. 

He said I called the meeting so what did I want to talk about, I asked him to tell me his thoughts/response to my letter defining emotional abuse and explaining why our relationship qualified as abusive.  The long and short of it is that he continues to believe that he was not abusive and has never abused me.

Apparently to him abuse is defined by whether or not the intention of the abuser is to be abusive or not.

I began to realize we will never see eye to eye on this topic.  And even though we didn’t bring up this time, we will never be on the same page regarding his church either.

Once again he pushed me for a commitment to restoring our marriage.  I finally told him, flat out, that the answer is no.  I am not committed to restoring our marriage and I do not want to be married to him any more.

That Guy tried to show up again but I didn’t fall for it this time.

He didn’t laugh in my face but it certainly felt like he was amused.  He said “Why Are You Here?  Clearly, you haven’t filed any paperwork yet so you must want this to work out in a corner of your heart.”

Time stopped.  Having been asked the same question twice in the same day demands an answer.  Why WAS I there?  What on earth was it I was trying to accomplish by being there, by agreeing to meet with him weekly?

I’ve been doing lots of soul-searching in the last 24 hours, trying to come up with whatever it is that won’t let me just let it go and move on.  I think I know but I’m going to kick it around for another day or two before I write it down.

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I passed the State Boards and am now a licensed Nail Technician!  Whoo hoo!

When I went on the Happy Pills it was partly because I sincerely believed I would be stuck in my call center job for at least another year before I could pay my school bill and be allowed to take the State Boards.  I was able to sell my sole possession of value the morning of the deadline to register for the Boards and had to take an extra half hour lunch to run the money to school one half hour before the deadline closed – I made it by the skin of my teeth and was walking on Sunshine, baby!

Then I got nervous.  The one thing I had never learned to do in school was Silk Wraps and they are a part of the Boards.  My only opportunity to go back to school and practice was 4 days before the Boards and I wound up having about 3 hours there, that was it!  Normally the school will have “Mock Boards” and take several hours and walk you through it one step at a time but because I was working I didn’t have a chance to do any of those.

My nervousness was not from being afraid I might fail the actual tests but rather that I might miss a step due to all the little requirements, regulations and red tape involved…

All my supplies had to be in individual ziplock baggies, one bag for each test.  All the supplies had to fit into a container with a lid that was no more than a certain size.  Sanitizing was key so I had to remember to sanitize my hands – and my plastic practice hand – before each procedure.  If I forgot to put a supply item in the baggie it was needed for it was tough luck because there was no getting back into your supply box once you’ve set up for each test.

I had to bring my plastic practice hand to the Boards with a set of nails already applied to it.  That was a difficult feat in itself because, as I found out the hard way, superglue does not hold the tips to the practice hand.  At. All.  Fortunately for me a quick search of husband’s garage yielded a suitable epoxy type glue that held the nails on very nicely.  In fact, those nails will stay on the practice hand until the end of time because the glue is that good!  So me and my practice hand (I decided to call it Gertrude) went to the State Boards and the first thing I had to do was give Gerty a manicure.  Halfway through the manicure portion I realized that I Had This and my nervousness went away – mostly.  The next test involved gluing a plastic tip onto the plastic tip I had already epoxied to Gertrude’s ring finger.  How hard can it be, right?  Ha!  Supposedly you’re supposed to file the new tip into the natural nail (by hand) so that there are no bumps or ridges at the seam.  (I say supposedly because the girl next to me didn’t seem to blend her tip at all.)  In my zealousness to get it “just right” I over filed my seam and took a big ‘ole chunk out of it.  The tip was still glued to the “natural nail” just fine but my smile line was completely ruined and so I tried to file the rest of the seam to match my over filing and finally had to quit when I realized that if I kept going I would wind up filing the whole darn tip off completely!  But it sure was smooth…  After that we applied the silk wrap to the middle finger, which I felt that I did a good job on, and then we sculpted an acrylic nail on the pointer finger using an odorless acrylic product.  That odorless stuff is weird!  And did I think to practice using it before the State Boards?  Nooooooooo…    However, I did manage to produce a good looking sculpted tip, if I do say so myself.  Finally I had to polish all of Gerty’s nails with a red nail polish.  Of all the tests this is the one that just about killed me.  Why you ask?  Because Gertrude is not real.  If she was her hand would be flexible and soft.  Her fingers would separate and move up and down, I would, in fact, be able to push four of them out of the way while I work on the fifth.  But Gerty, in all her plastic glory, is stiff and unmovable, somewhat like the Rock of Gibraltar, and while I was painting the third of the five fingers I smeared the first one!  And it just got worse from there…  Now each of these tests have a time limit and when the time is up you stop working, done or not, so I’m very frustrated that I keep smearing the best polish job of my life, getting nervous because the time’s running out, which made me smear even more… it was a viscous  circle!  In the end I managed to rescue my polish job and it was almost perfect.   The instructors smiled at me and even though they were not allowed to speak to any of us I felt like they approved and that I had done a good job, which was confirmed three days later when I saw on the website that I had passed, whoo hoo!

I also passed the written score with flying colors and IMMEDIATELY gave my notice to the call center.  That felt Sooooo Good!  Two days ago I started working at a salon and it’s been fun and exciting.  All the other girls who work there seem nice and willing to help me improve my skills so I’m very happy to be there.  This has truly been a Game Changer for me and I’m looking forward to the future!

Oh the joys of being me!  Here’s the roller coaster ride of feelings I  had today:

Overwhelmed
A Failure
Anger
Weary to the bone
Incapable
Suicidal
Hopeless
Unworthy
Faith-less (as in having no faith, not as in being unfaithful)
Rejected
Doubt
Alone
Zero endurance
Panic

OK, so that’s not really a roller coaster ride, that’s a gravity drop ride…

Today was horrible.  The fourth ten-hour work day in a row is always hard on me but this particular Monday at the call center there was non-stop calls from 11:30 am to 7:30 pm, just back-to-back-to-back, with a much higher than average ratio of mean customers than normal.  Seriously people, it’s not my fault you don’t open and/or read your statements and therefore “forget” to pay your bills on time or get interest charges from failing to pay off your promotional financing offers before they expire!

I started my day tired, cried off and on throughout the day because of my customers attitudes and comments and ended the day exhausted and yet, obviously, unable to sleep.  During my shift today I wrote several “Goodbye World” notes in my head – trying to decide what to put on Facebook to make the appropriate people feel guilty and how could I contact my youngest daughters only nice ex-boyfriend to ask him to look in on her when I’m gone.  At some point I realized my thinking was pretty messed up, which only made it worse because then the feelings of “I have no business being a parent” kicked in and only made the urge to off myself stronger.  I really began to feel like I would be doing the world – and especially my children – a favor by not being here.  Towards the end of my workday the calls slowed down and I became a little more rational.  Yes, stop freaking out, I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to get back on some form of anti-depressant because there really is something terribly wrong with me.  (I’m sure that someday this blog will wind up in a clinical textbook about depression and I’ll be reduced to nothing more than a case study, although that’s probably all I am to some of you anyway…)  I fantasize that my doctor will place me on disability because my jobs stress me out so much, but that is just one more fairy tale that will never come true.

I contemplated my faith, or current lack thereof, today.  As a child I loved God with all my heart.  As a teenager I was desperate for the peace my church promised I would have if only I followed God faithfully and did my very best to be a Good Girl.  After high school I began to see that reality was not the life I was told it would be as a Christian.  As a young married wife I slipped further and further away from believing the Christian ideal and now I’m wondering if God would even notice all that much if I cut that last thread and left Him altogether.  But if I don’t believe in God what’s left to believe in?

I have a jewelry open house this Saturday, trying to raise money to pay my school tuition and although I created a Facebook event and invited 50 of my Facebook “friends” to it I haven’t had a single response, yea or nay.  Which leads me to doubt that any of them will come because when everything shakes out I really don’t have “friends”, I have acquaintances.  Lots and lots of acquaintances.  I’ve chased most all the people who might have considered being my friend away by virtue of being mentally disturbed, distrustful and insecure.  I feel so alone, like there’s no one who will help me get out of this hole I’m in and I don’t think I can get out of it myself but I keep trying.  I really want to delete all my so-called friends and actually be as alone as I feel I am but I know I will regret it in the future.  I’m not sure why I’ll regret it but I just know that at some point I will…

My husband, who does woodworking, is all excited for my open house and has been making hand-crafted wooden pens this last week for me to take and try to sell at my fundraiser.  Not to help me get my tuition paid but to get him money to buy more wood because he wants to start a woodworking business from home.

A friend made sure to point out that her contribution to my efforts was limited to prayer.  Good grief, I’m not asking for charity – although standing on the side of the road with a sign asking for donations will probably make me more money than all my efforts to actually earn it will so I may do that soon too – but I wasn’t trying to guilt her into buying anything from me either.  It’s probably me just reading between lines that aren’t there again.  With her it seems like it’s always me reading between those damn invisible lines, I’m always wrong about something.

And that’s the core of what I always come back to.  It’s not you, it’s me.  It’s always something wrong with me.  I’m broken, I’m damaged, I’m wrong, wrong, wrong.  I can’t do anything right.  It’s true, that is my mother’s voice!  She has so much to answer for – although being dead she probably has answered for it by now…  Unfortunately I’m still sorting through all the crap she instilled in me growing up.  I’m 40 and finally realizing that most of it IS crap but I feel like the old dog you can’t teach new tricks to – how do I change the way I think?  The way I feel?  The way I respond to life?  The easier way out is death but honestly I’m a coward.  Too scared to die, not brave enough to live.  Clinging to the mushroom life because the evil that I know is easier than the good that I don’t know.

People in my church avoid me – and to be fair I avoid them now too.  The few that used to speak to me don’t any more and I feel like I’ve been given up as “lost”.  That I’m not worth their efforts anymore.  That I’m beyond “saving”.  That I could change if I would just decide to change.  My suicide would only cause them to “tsk, tsk, tsk” and think in their hearts that they were right.  My staying alive is the only way I would possibly dare to spit in their eye – and that’s pretty good motivation right now.

The next step is to get out of this job and start being a Nail Tech.  Right now I can’t deal with more than one goal.  Raise $1900 to pay my school bill, pass the state boards and start working as a Nail Tech.  After that, who knows?  Maybe reaching one goal will give me the courage to accomplish another goal, like leaving this church with or without my husband.

Okie dokie, so it’s been just over a month since my last post and I’m not even sure what I’ve blogged about and what I haven’t…  I’ll start with this – I’M DOING GREAT!

I’m not trying to say my life is perfect because it isn’t, but everything is soooo much better, wow!  A little recap:  I lost my job in the beginning of September, was denied unemployment, started beauty school in the middle of September, my car blew up, my appeal for unemployment was successful and I received everything I was owed from the day I lost my job forward, started a full-time job with great benefits in the middle of November, going to school part-time before I go to work, we had friends over for Thanksgiving and this is my last week of orientation at the new job.  Whew!

On top of all that I am completely off all prescription medication – no sleeping pills, no anti-depressants and no anti-anxiety medication anymore for this girl!  Also – no more counseling or psychiatrist visits!  Life has done a one-eighty for me, the only downside being that I have gained 14 pounds since I started my new job almost 5 weeks ago, ugh…

Financially things are still pretty hairy, we’re recovering from six weeks of only one income so all of our monthly bills are behind – including our mortgage which is 3 months past due – and we actually had to open bank accounts somewhere else because we were so far overdrawn in all our accounts…  😦  So, yeah, life is still kind of scary at times when it comes to money BUT I know it’s going to work out and be OK.  I get my second paycheck from the new job this week and the biggest challenge will be sticking to our budget while at the same time trying to entertain my husband’s parents for a week or so during Christmas.  Gotta love family, eh?

My girls seem to be getting along quite nicely, which is fabulous.  My husband got a second job delivering pizzas on the weekends which has been a great source of pocket cash for extra expenses and I’m very proud of him for working so hard for us.

Speaking of “us”, he and I have been steadily improving too.  Last February I gave him an ultimatum and two months to kick his addiction to pornography and get his act together.  I have to say that I honestly did not expect him to pull it off.  I thought that I would be well on my way to being single by now but he really surprised me.  The amount of effort he has put into saving our marriage and becoming a better human being, man, father and husband has truly shocked me, it really has.  I’m so very impressed and wish I had stood up for myself a long time ago, although it may not have had the same results 10 years ago as it did this last year…

And while words can’t really express how pleased and proud of him I am, now we get to the storm cloud of my silver lining – because nobody’s life can be all rainbows and unicorns, eh?  I’ve recently discovered that now my heart has some changing to do.  It was very unflattering to discover exactly how much of me wanted my husband to fail so I could finally get a divorce – be free! – and it would be his fault.  I think (now) that has been the biggest reason I never left, it couldn’t be my fault that my marriage didn’t work.  Twisted logic, I know, but consider my upbringing:  My mom left my dad when I was in grade school and I never thought she should have, I always believed their marriage could have been saved if she had tried harder and the things I learned after I became an adult only supported that belief – making the divorce her fault – and I have done everything I could think of to be as little like my mom as possible.

I think God used my faulty reasoning for good.  If I had left when I “should have”, according to some people, none of this would have happened.  My husband wouldn’t be a nice guy now.  My children wouldn’t have this fun-filled relationship with their father, full of teasing, smiles and laughter and none of us would have experienced how completely God can change a life.  There are still some days that aren’t great but those days are much fewer and farther between than they were even just a year ago.  I KNOW that everything is going to be OK now!

So all in all I am ecstatic to be off my medications…  I’m thrilled with my school and new job…  I am excited about my children’s improved relationship with each other…  I am in shock and awe of the “new man” I have for a husband…  I’m a little nervous about our finances…  and I am trusting in God to complete the work He started.

I think this is a good place to end a year and begin a new one.

OK, so maybe it started in August and ran over a bit into October…  Here’s the rundown, and my apologies for not having blogged for so long but I think you’ll understand:

August 27th – I turn 40.  (Not entirely bad news, it’s just a number, right?)

August 30th – Our washer and dryer died.

September 1st – Our hot water heater caught on fire and needed replacing.

September 4th – I lost my job and signed up for unemployment.

September 9th – We are not eligible for food stamps.

September 13th – GOOD NEWS!   I signed up to attend a beauty school’s Nail Technician program with my husband’s somewhat skeptical blessing.  I’m tired of the office life!  I have wanted to be a Nail Technician since I was in my early 20’s but the money and the time to go to beauty school never made it to my house at the same time so to make money I did what I was best at, answering phones and office work… for 20 years…  and now the opportunity of a lifetime, a miracle has come my way!

 September 16th – MORE ABOUT THE SAME GOOD NEWS!  My first day “back to school” and it was soooo weird after over 20 years.  I brought my paper, pen and pencil and I was so excited that my girls made fun of me and I didn’t care a bit!   I should graduate sometime in January of 2014 so it’s roughly four-and-a-half months and almost every day so far has flown by – I go home feeling like I had FUN at school, I really love what I’m learning!

 September 20th – My unemployment claim was denied.  (I am appealing it.)

September 21st – Our oldest daughter turned 18 and we had this HUGE party planned for over 3 months with 10 people invited… guess who spent money, lots and lots of money, that we didn’t have?

September 24th – I lost my phone.

October 2nd – My car died.  Dead.  Seized engine dead.  Over-sized paper-weight dead.  Tacky Red Neck Lawn Art Dead.  Walk to school and be late and then wonder how I’m going to get home dead.  Dead dead.

You know, sometimes so many bad things happen in such a short amount of time that all you can do is sit back and giggle hysterically.  That’s pretty much where I’ve been.  To tell the truth I’m kind of sitting back wondering what else could go wrong and thinking I might want to grab a soda and popcorn to watch the next disaster go down…

But in spite of all that something really good that has happened through all this.  I’m actually  very happy right now, strangely happy right now given all the above circumstances.  I don’t think I need my depression pills any more kind of happy, weird huh?  Somehow, for the first time since I was a child I 100% believe that God is fully in control and everything is going to be OK.  Not Never-Going-To-Have-Another-Problem-For-The-Rest-Of-My-Life-OK but All-My-Needs-Will-Be-Met-And-Taken-Care-Of-OK.  I actually have more peace and trust in God more now than I did when I had my job and was making good money!  Have you ever heard “Blessings” by Laura Story?  I feel like I’m living it…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  I KNOW everything is going to be OK and I haven’t felt that way for a long time.  I guess if this is what it took to get me to this amazing, emotionally stable place then I wish it would have happened earlier!

What my life looks like now:
I’m looking for a job I can do after school and on weekends.
I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business to make us some money.  (I had two shows last month, whoo hoo!)
I’m wondering how I’m going to make up the two house payments and numerous utility bills that we’re behind on.
I’m driving the car my nearby best friend is selling me on payments.
I found a cheaper phone plan and my entire family has new phone numbers <aggravating> so now I don’t have to find my other phone, lol!
We replaced the washer and dryer with used ones but unfortunately had to buy a new hot water heater.
Starting next week I’ll be ready to give manicures and pedicures to paying customers at school now so hopefully I will start getting tips!

Life is life.  God is God.  God is bigger than Life.  Life is going to be OK.   🙂

Or at least that was a saying when I was a child.  I always thought it was just because people who thought they were Righteous needed a reason to explain why they never got any rest without having to place themselves in the Wicked category.  I would like some rest… does that make me Wicked?

I haven’t blogged for a while.  So let’s try for a quick update – while my life has been pretty good since my last blog (hence the lack of writing – does that make me a whiner?) here is what I remember:

SUPER GOOD – I went to Reno with my best friend from high school and we had an SOO MUCH FUN together, we even went down to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon.  I saw my child exactly once for about 5 minutes as I brought her breakfast the first morning.  She never did tell me when and where they were going to perform so I didn’t get to see it.  I did not come home with a tattoo <slightly sad about that> but I’m still thinking really hard about getting one.  The best news ever is that my daughter did not get any migraines requiring me to take her to the ER but I’m still glad I went!

OK – I have continued to see my husband’s counselor with him, this last session wasn’t terribly productive, I think the counselor talks a little bit too much about his own life that I don’t see as applying to us but he did manage to bring up a question or two that was good food for thought until the next meeting.  That hour goes fast.  Thank goodness for the EAP program or I’d feel like I was wasting my money on the co-pays, ugh!

SAD – One week before school ended my youngest (musical) daughter, who has poured her heart into the three music classes she’s taken this year, was cut from her very favorite class, the jazz choir, exactly 5 minutes after her boyfriend dumped her so she had a miserable last week of school but she is very glad it’s over and seems to be feeling better about it now.  I’m debating on whether or not I should say anything to the choir teacher.  Half of me is mad at him, I’m upset that he seems to be unwilling to deal with the issues that go along with her head injury, I feel like he doesn’t believe she has a real medical condition and dropped her because he thinks she’s a flake.  The other part of me is relieved I don’t have to fight with him for another year about being a chaperone on all of her out-of-town trips and just plain ole doesn’t to talk to him anymore.  Yes, I’m a very non-confrontational person which means if I’m confronting you I’m usually VERY UPSET with you.

BAD AND GOOD – My husband has made great improvements in becoming a nicer guy but now that the two month “probation” period has been over by a couple of months most the things that he was doing to prove to me that he loved me for more than sex have pretty much evaporated.  All the “romantic” stuff is completely gone, he hasn’t given me a back rub in almost two months, hasn’t opened my car door for at least a month and I’m pretty sure that all his compliments dried up a couple of days after the two months was over.  In short, we’re very nearly back to where we were before the two-months except for a few certain things.  He has become more relaxed about my being late, which is one of his biggest buttons that I constantly seem to be pushing because I’m just not a very on-time person – never have been.  Also, he’s been quicker to apologize to both me and our children when he has spoken to one of us in “high emotion”, I’m getting a nice email from him almost every day at work and he is definitely being more open about how he feels when I ask him.  I know changing your entire self is difficult and I can see that he’s working hard at it so I’ll be content with the relationship we have for now.  No promises from me that this marriage will last forever but we just passed our 19th anniversary, that’s a pretty good record in this day and age.

BAD – I thought my job was going quite well… until I received an Employee Improvement Plan two weeks ago.  Apparently I have a month (two more weeks at this point ) to stop making mistakes or I will be “Disciplined or Terminated”.  Oh goody.  I think what’s really going on is I’ve not been “good enough” for a couple of the attorneys that hold some power in this office and they want me gone but we’ll see in the middle of July how that goes.  I can only do my best.  As punishment for my past mistakes (or perhaps so they can snoop through my desk easier) they took away my flex schedule which gave me a half day every Monday and I worked until 6 pm Tues – Fri so I could still have a full 40 hours.  I’m thinking that by my leaving at 5 pm they don’t have to stay until 6:30 to look through my work and check up on me – now they only have to stay until 5:30, ha, ha.  Unfortunately for me, I felt like I did my best work during that peaceful, quiet, uninterrupted hour between 5 and 6 pm when hardly anyone was in the office.  That’s definitely not going to help me during this month’s probation at all.  Can you get unemployment when you’re fired for “Unsatisfactory Job Performance after almost two years of employment?”  If I lose my job I lose my benefits and neither I or my daughter can get the medicine we need to stay on top of our medical conditions so yeah, I’m a little stressed.  Maybe I can start a daycare in my home…  although I did find a job with the County that I think I’ll apply for, the cut-off date for applications is right about the time my month of probation should end, then maybe I can give my two weeks at that meeting instead of getting fired, wouldn’t that be nice?

GREAT – I received and finished a transcription job last weekend and am waiting for the check to come, hopefully this week.  It should go straight to bills but I want to keep a little bit of fun money out for myself.  Is that wrong?  I earned it, 100%.  It’s outside my job and outside the budget… if only we weren’t so behind, ugh!

FUN – Speaking of being behind I have become a consultant for a direct sales company and am trying to get that going for  some extra cash.  I love having the “parties” with good food and meeting new people, hopefully this will help pull me out of the doldrums as well as help us get out of debt.

REFLECTING – So all in all my life has been, and continues to be a roller-coaster.  I appreciate everyone who follows my blog, I hope you’re getting more out of it than I am, lol!  I’m just writing it all down to sort it out, re-organize it and decide how I feel about it before absorbing my life’s events back into my head again.  Kind of like when you clean Grandma’s basement.  It’s so packed with stuff piled everywhere that the best way to deal with it is to pull piles out of the room, sort them into your Keep, Donate and Toss piles and then put the Keep stuff back in the room, pull another pile out and do it all over again.  That is what this blog is for me.  That oddball space where I can pull things out, write them down and try to decide how I feel about them, what emotions connected to each event should I Keep and which should I Toss.

And there I am, laid out bare for you to see.  What do you see by the way?  I hardly ever get feedback on my posts…  Am I just an interesting read and ya’ll go off talking about the crazy lady online when you’re done?  Talk to me…what are your thoughts about what I should do next?  Help please!

I have been looking for something positive to write about for the last week because  I’m tired of moaning and groaning about my life when I know so many other people have far worse circumstances than I.  However, I’ve been completely exhausted and unable to do much more than go to work, come home and go to bed.  In spite of my exhaustion here are some of the silver linings I have found recently:

1.  People at work like me.  Granted, I bring a lot of candy to give away but I think that just catches their attention and helps them notice how quick I am to help them out with special requests, etc.  I smile and they smile back.  Some days it’s a lot more gratifying to be at work, than at home, let me tell you!
2.  Because the Mean Girl at work quit I got a seat by the window (a somewhat exclusive and prestigious position… no extra pay, unfortunately)
3.  Because the Mean Girl at work left a really Nice Girl is joining our team.  She’s a very happy person and I’m looking forward to the positive impact she should have on the atmosphere of our little group.
4.  My husband really is trying to be amazingly nice.  It frequently turns into him being nice to me to get nice things for himself but I’m choosing to give him grace and  continue chalking it up to his addiction – at least for a while longer – and see if that change comes to that are of his life as much as the rest of him has changed.
5.  Tomorrow (technically today) is Easter – I have baskets all ready for the girls and my husband and they’re just going to have to share with me.  I even have eggs to hide but we’ll see if I have the strength to do that or if I just  make the girls hide them for each other – that could be fun too!
6.  I work the morning shift this coming Monday and when I get home I should be able to just jump into bed – my bed is warm, soft and fluffy.  I LOVE, love, love having the bed all to myself for naps.
7.  My roses are beginning to bud and I need to trim them soon.  I adore sweet smelling roses that are bi-colored and can’t wait to add to my collection in front of the house this year.
8.  We went to my favorite restaurant for lunch today.  It was far, far out of the budget but I didn’t care.  I was fighting a panic attack, felt like I could die at any moment (no, I didn’t tell them that) and wanted my favorite food so the whole family went and we had all the meat we could eat of all different cuts, marinade’s and styles, rotisseried pineapple with a brown sugar glaze, a little bit of salad (why on earth did I pick the salad? I should have just stuck with the meats) and creme brulee(sp?).  It was fantastic and I could have died a happy woman the moment we walked (rolled) out of the front doors.   If I ever become a bad girl, go to prison and  get executed I know exactly what I want for my last meal.  In the meantime, however, I’ll remain a good girl and continue to eat there whenever possible.
9.  My husband was very concerned that I did not feel well today.  He kept asking if he could help and was there anything he could do, I think I scared him more than usual, either that or he’s paying more attention than usual to how I’m actually feeling.  It was very nice and helped me feel better, at least a little bit anyway.
10.  My husband is not (totally) the horrible guy you may think he is from all my previous posts.  He’s trying very hard to be a nice guy, a better guy and he is noticeably more supportive to me now than ever before in our marriage.  The Two Month period ends on Friday so we’ll just see what happens.  I have more hope now than I did when we started this adventure, ha, ha, on Feb 6th.  God knows if this will work out in the end or not and I’m learning to trust Him with everything, just like I did as a child.  At the moment, all I want to do is sleep forever…

Everybody’s life sucks at one point or another – what are the silver linings in your life?

I have so many ideas on what to blog but I feel scatterbrained and unable to complete an entire blog on anything…

I want to write a letter to all my husband’s relatives (and a few of mine too) and explain my life to them so they would hopefully understand why I behave in ways they deem “rude”.  I can totally see this as something that would turn into a bestselling book/booklet and millions of people could buy it and hand it to other people and say “Just read it, this explains everything”.  Lol.

I want to write about the Orchestra trip to Portland with my youngest daughter… okie dokie, what I wrote here is actually long enough – and crazy enough – to be its own post so look for it soon 🙂

I want to write about passing Day 30 and how my husband has stayed Prince Charming 98% of the time – a new record for him!  The biggest proof so far of his new-found love and devotion for me is the fact that I mentioned at some point that I only own two bras and one of them has a broken underwire that pokes and pinches me.  He actually went to Walmart, on his very own, and purchased two bras – and even got the size right – although though it nearly embarrassed him to death to be seen anywhere near women’s undergarments in public, much less than purchasing them with a male checker.  He said he was nervous and beet red and kept looking around for another checker… I found that to be hilarious and bordering on true romance at the same time.

I want to write about the beauty of the waterfalls that seem to be everywhere and the greenness of spring that has already come, at least to Portland.  Visual beauty restores peace in my soul and I start to feel again.  There is so much water here that everything is alive and green – even mundane landscaping seems beautiful to me, is that weird?  Maybe I should move to Portland or Seattle someday?

I want to write about work and how I’m feeling like I will never be fast enough to do a good job like the other girls but I’m confident that I am doing my very best and truly can’t do any better.  I am and always have been very thorough in whatever job I do… but always at the cost of speed.  I’m not a slow poke by any means but I’ve never been Speedy Gonzalez either.  At this point I’m kind of waiting for them to fire me in the not-so-distant future and hoping I can talk them into just laying me off instead because A) I believe I was poorly trained and have brought that to their attention many times and B) My medical issues truly do prevent me from doing the job properly.  If I were laid off I could at least get unemployment and I would LOVE not to have to work for a while because both life and home are so overwhelming for me right now… all I want to do is sleep all day, every day.  I’m scared to lose this job though because the benefits are so excellent and how on earth will we be able to pay for everything my daughter with Post Concussion Symptom needs?  Also I won’t be able to get my own pills for depression, anxiety and insomnia or go to the doctor without the insurance, but then again, maybe I won’t need all the remedies for stress if I don’t have this stressful job, eh?

I want to write about the book I read on Boundaries – for several months now I’ve been on this journey of “finding myself” and never would have thought to phrase it as “I’m looking for my boundaries” because that seems like a negative thing – like someone else is trying to “fence me in” and limit me but honestly, I am looking for my boundaries because everything within my boundaries is me and defines who I am.  My skin is my physical boundary, everything outside it cannot be called by my name, but where are my emotional and relational boundaries?  The book talked about how children will either spend all their energy on surviving their childhood or they will thrive in their childhood and use all their energy to develop the skills they will need as an adult.  I’m realizing that I survived my childhood and there are a lot of skills that I don’t have.  I think my husband probably survived his childhood as well, we are each missing some of the same skills and there are a few skills that one of us lacks that but other has… it makes for a very confusing life together and I can’t imagine what we’ve done to our children.  I’m sure they survived/are surviving and can’t wait to get away from us, sorry girls.

I want to write about Panic Attacks since my body keeps trying to make me think I’m having a heart attack and I refuse to believe it anymore because every single time I’ve gone to the ER for these symptoms the doctors say it’s “just a Panic Attack” and that my heart is quite healthy… and then they hand me a very large bill, some of them I’m still paying for, ugh!

I want to write about beautiful music and how it breaks the ice around my soul and gives me emotions I haven’t had in years.  Right now the music that touches me the most is “New Age”, stuff like Yanni and Enya.  Soothing, beautiful melodies and harmonies with very few words but because of it’s categorization (New Age) my mother was very against me listening to it in high school.  She thought it was spiritually liked to some sort of cult.  There’s way more to that story but I will have to make another blog about it some other time.

I want to write about Farmville and how that stupid game gives me a sense of accomplishment just by feeding electronic animals and harvesting electronic crops that I rarely feel in the real world.  I stopped playing it for years at my husband’s request but my children started playing it so now we “farm” together – yes, I know, what a great family activity in this age of technology – it’s a true bonding activity for the girls and me. <snicker>

Each one of these topics seems worthy of its own blog entry and yet feel like I’ve just emptied my head about all of them.  I’m so tired and very weary… and yes, they really are two different things.

Right now I’m growing, I’m changing and I’m in a season of chaos.  Yet I’m learning that this is not the end, it’s actually another beginning.  Hope stirs within me like a crocus pushing through the snow in spring… winter is not quite over but the worst seems to be past and I may yet still bloom!

I spent last night looking for new jobs online and then this morning I called in sick.  I emailed two of my bosses with more of an explination regarding the stresses at work and why I was staying home, one of them emailed back:

Take care of yourself.  Things are going to get better at work…I can feel it!  We will see you Monday.

That doesn’t sound like someone who’s waiting to fire me  the minute I get back, maybe things will be all right.  Just in case I’m going to keep looking for a new job through…

Wow. I’ve never been at this place before and I’m both shocked and horrified. I’ve always been amazing at what I do. I get fantastic letters of reference and wonderful referrals. I’ve been here at this government job for a year and a half and this morning I put most of my personal belongings in a box and am waiting to get fired because I’ve made too many mistakes in the last few weeks. I know it takes a lot to fire a government worker but nonetheless, this job has whopped my butt and peace comes with the thought of leaving. I’m not ready to be without pay and benefits but I have to say that I have been more stressed out since I got this job than with any job or life situation ever before. It’s so detailed that you’re not out of “training” for six months and even then it’s not possible to know everything. I’m good at this kind of work but apparently not good enough. I probably won’t get fired today but I will start looking for another job today and try to leave before they can kick me out. Crazy, I’ve never met a job that got the better of me. Crap.