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There comes a time when you just have to lay all your cards on the table and acknowledge reality for what it is. This is me, my self-assessment, so to speak.

I go by Blue now – I have blue hair, blue eyes, wear a lot of blue clothes and I even have a blue car.  A friend at work gave me the nickname because there is another girl there with the same name as me and I have come to embrace it.

I am a list person.  I like to think things through and make plans.  When I have repetitive tasks I try to do them in a certain order so that I don’t forget anything.  Mostly I do seemingly random things for a reason.  I would guess that 80 percent of the time if you ask me why I do something a certain way I can give you a logical reason for it.  That doesn’t mean I can’t do anything spontaneously – I can and do. But I have a better time when I’ve planned things out and know that the important things are taken care of.

And while I may be quite logical in my planning and daily life I normally make decisions with my heart and not my head.  Quite the conundrum I am… Relationships are the most important thing to me and so I chose to keep the peace over standing up for myself.  Chose to please others over my own happiness.  I have a need – so strong that right or wrong I have come to define myself by it – to make others in my life comfortable and happy. And I use my planning and logic strengths to make that happen, lol.  But seriously, if you are the least bit important to me and you are uncomfortable in my presence I want to fix it.  I have to fix it.  Whether you are too cold, too hot, hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable with what’s playing on the radio or television, disturbed by the presence of another person in the room… I will know and do my best to fix it until you are comfortable again.  It is one of the most common complements I get – “your house is so peaceful”, “I feel so at home here”, “it’s so comfortable here”,, “you’re so easy to talk to”.  I. Need. You. To. Be. OK. Otherwise I am not OK and my soul writhes until either you are OK or we part ways.  I would like to find a man who feels the same way about me…

When I say I know how you feel when you are uncomfortable I mean it – I Know Things. (Wooooooo…)  These past few years I have read books and done research and I have come to believe that I have empathic tenancies.  My counselor had a different name for it, tracking maybe?  She said it was a survival skill developed from a traumatic childhood.  That I totally believe as I am best at sensing when people are dangerous, angry, uncomfortable or unhappy.  Sensing when others are happy is not as strong a feeling for me and never has been.  I would like to learn more about being an empath and learn how to hone my skills to feel more and be more accurate with sensing all emotions, not just the negative ones.  Someday, when I have more time, I will find a teacher.

Which leads me to speak of how I feel like I hardly have time to breathe, lol.  Because I am a responsible adult (dammit) I have found myself currently working 3 jobs, leaving me no real time to cook, or clean – or even make a mess at home, really – lol.  I get between 6 and 8 hours of sleep, which is enough to keep me going but not enough to feel rested so I cherish those rare days off from my morning job when I can sleep in and will frequently sleep 12 – 14 hours.  I awake feeling better but still have no time to have a life.  My goal for 2019 is to find a job – Just One Job – that will pay the bills and let me have a life.  And then maybe I can start to date seriously and – hopefully – find my soulmate and live Happily Ever After. Ha, ha, ha, ha…

As to why I am single – I was married for almost 21 years.  I have two daughters, both in their early 20’s  now, and I left him after the younger one was out of high school because he was a bully.  He didn’t hit me or the children, he didn’t yell and scream at us, but I became depressed because of our relationship and reached a point where I knew if I did not divorce him I would commit suicide so I chose to live. It was not easy and I walked away with hardly anything.  I was homeless, sleeping on my sister’s couch for 5 months.  He didn’t think there was anything wrong with our relationship and seemed to feel that I just up and walked out for no reason.  In the last almost 4 years I have stopped taking my anti-depressants because I don’t need them any more.  I have found myself – someone I never dared to be before.  I have never looked back and never regretted leaving him but I would like to experience a good relationship, to have my love returned and live peacefully with someone I care for.  I have only gone on 9 dates and have chatted with probably that same number of men online since I became single.  I know that’s not very many but I’ve come to realize that I would rather be lonely than be with someone just so that I’m not alone.  I think that is called maturity 😀

Even though I married the third man I dated and have only dated a relatively few times since I became single I have “fallen in love” several times in my life and no, none of the times was with my husband.  I know, he deserved better but so did I.  Research suggests I am demi-sexual, which a quick Google search defines as:  “A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection. It’s more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual.”  That has always been the case for me although let me clarify that I also have an exceptionally low sex drive so “falling in love” for me does NOT include wanting to sleep that person.  I want affection and cuddling for the most part, kind words and loving smiles.  If I like you enough to love you then I will tell you I love you often – and I love easily.  If I hug you then I am more comfortable with you and I trust you.  If I  kiss your neck or your cheek – or allow you to kiss mine – then I love you deeply and consider you at the very least family.  IF I love you enough to actually fall in love with you then I would like to touch you often – your face, your chest and back, hugs, random kisses of affection here and there, hold hands, wrap my arm around your waist with yours around mine, sit close enough to touch, sit with my legs over yours, rest my head on your chest or yours on mine, spooning… all manner of affection.  Give me oodles of affection and you will have my heart completely and I will want to make love with you.

Alas, no man I have ever fallen in love with has fallen in love with me so that’s essentially my fairy tale… but it’s never actually happened.  I have slept with one man my entire 45 years and it was never good.  I might never find my soul mate and I’ve stopped searching so hard for him but if he happens to find me, well then… yes please.

Ah, “yes please”… something else about me, I’m polite.  And kind.  And I’m probably on a poster somewhere for Good Girls R Us…  Having standards, a good work ethic, being responsible and keeping my word are very important to me.  I love to laugh but not at the expense of others.  I love to help people.  I swear a little bit but mostly to myself and rarely around others.  I don’t judge others – or at least I try very hard not to, I suppose there’s no stopping it completely as there is no trust without some measure of judging.  Being “good”, doing the right thing – these things are another way I define myself.

I’m reserved when I first meet people.  I’ve spent most of my life hiding who I am so I still stay quiet and observe before I open up too much but I am but I am getting better about letting people see the real me sooner than later.  Lucky them?

A few things I dislike about myself:  I snore.  Loudly.  I, in fact, have sleep apnea so I wear a CPAP machine to bed, giving me the delightful appearance of an elephant/alien hybrid gone wrong and causing me to sound like Darth Vader is breathing beside you all night long, yep, gunna be single forever…  Also, I am not a terribly good cook.  I used to think I was so perhaps I have completely lost my touch since I became single or it’s entirely possible I never had the touch in the first place…  As far as looks go, this body has had two children and a lot of donuts with no regrets…  making my 5’3″ frame look far too much like Shreck’s – my legs are fine and my head’s pretty normal but I’ve got a bit of a belly on me, lol.  Add to that the fact I never learned how to hold my stomach in as a child and and all I would need to do is have green skin to complete my ogre bod.  While I’m working on pulling my stomach in now it requires a degree of focus that I haven’t quite mastered yet and for some reason I catch myself actively pushing my belly out, as though I’m trying to hold up pants that are too big for me – very counterproductive, ugh.  So in combination with trying to suck the gut in I am also trying to love my body just the way it is… uh huh.  Another work in progress.

All in all my life is good.  Fairly difficult at the moment but good.  I may or may not find love and I’m learning to be OK with the “may not” part of that.  I’m not amazing nor am I horrible.  I am myself, which is someone I’m still discovering and getting to know.  I still have faith in God, I do my best every day and I know that everything will be OK.

It amazes me that when I start to write things like this out I usually begin in some degree of despair, trying to force myself to accept that this is how it is and nothing will ever change.  Yet in the process of setting who I am on paper I realize that I have changed and I will change again.  Nothing is as bad out in the air as it was in my head – oxygen does wonders for worries.  And so I keep writing 🙂

 

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So I totally thought I posted an update in August, my bad, sorry!  Let’s try to catch up…

I was freaking out about my job and trying to find a new one in July.  I put a couple of applications in and the next thing I know I am no longer afraid of the restaurant owner.  Curious that.  Because I had the mindset of “I’m leaving” I lost my fear of him.

To be fair, he’s actually a pretty decent boss, he even gave everyone a crisp $100 bill in our paychecks last week as a bonus!  The only reasons I was afraid of him is: 1. He looks angry all the time.  His Resting Bitch Face is more of a Resting Volcano Face and I spent 21 years married to a man who oozed anger so I’m more than a little ill-at-ease around angry men now.  Unfortunately it’s still a trigger for me.  So I avoided the owner as much as possible without looking like I was avoiding him.  2.  He fired a cook and my daughter, Tina, within a month or so of each other and no real reason given to either one.  After that I, and a few other employees, lived in fear of being fired over any/every tiny mistake I made or that he might think I made.  This job pays the bills and the stress of thinking “what if I get fired” was eating me up inside.  But when I took steps to work elsewhere those fears vanished like magic!

And when I stopped being afraid I realized that I actually have a very good job.  My co-workers are wonderful, we are like family.  I also asked the manager/scheduling waitress to please give me more hours and if she couldn’t do something about it I was going to have to do something about it.  She jumped right on that and added two more days of work to my schedule on the next week and every week after that she has given me the hours I need.  That made me feel really good, like I was wanted there.  AND my request to go work in the casino has been approved and I will be starting there sometime this month after a couple of people get back from vacation which will be a huge blessing.  In the casino it will be more one-on-one interaction with the customers and no more carrying heavy food trays but still getting tips – and the possibility of getting two or three more times the tips that I can do in a night of waitressingSo all in all the work issue has been resolved, I grew a spine and confronted my fears as well as stood up for myself in asking for more hours and a change of job duties.  Oh, and I started using colored pens at work and for some strange reason that helps me enjoy my job more as well Yay me!

August 12th was my daughter’s baby shower and Sean’s mom and I co-hosted it. Let me be clear, I do like Sean’s mom but she has a very strong personality and tends to focus on the negative – of everything – first.  It makes it difficult for me to really be friends with her, she drags me down quickly when I am with her.  She is so strongly opinionated and I am so non-confrontational that it probably really good for me to hang out with her but less fun, lol.  Her ideas for the shower were very close to mine so even though she ran over me and just took control of the party planning I let her because she pretty much did what I would have done anyway.  We’ve had two road trips together before the shower, just her and I, and even though I like her more and more after each trip I really don’t want to plan another party with her.  Ever.

The shower itself went really well, we expected 45 people and had about 35 people attend (it was co-ed/family so we had lots of couples and a few kids there as well).  My ex husband, his wife and my oldest daughter made the trip up to come and I was really happy they did.  I wasn’t sure he would want to be there since I obviously was going to be there but he came to support Tina so I was very thankful for that.  His dad also came and one of my brothers and 4 of my nieces/nephews so that was really nice to see everyone! (My brother brought me a kitten!  She’s soooo much fun!)

The ex’s wife, KC, seems to be a really nice person and I like her.  I thanked them both for coming, she gave me a big hug and said “Thank you for inviting us, I know it’s hard for you to have us here”.

<blank stare> What the hell?  Why would she even think that?

A little background – I’ve been trying to be her friend for almost two years now, I started by passing a message through my older daughter to her saying I would like to be her friend.  My ex responded to that with an angry phone call, telling me there was no reason for me to talk to her, why did I want to be her friend?

Obviously to tell her all the horrible things I think about him, duh…. Oh wait, that’s what he’s thinking and I keep forgetting, he doesn’t know me at all – and never has, if I’m being honest.

In that angry phone call two years ago I told my ex I would like to be her friend because she was another mom to my girls and we should at least be friendly.  He grudgingly agreed to introduce us at Tina’s HS graduation.  I was genuinely happy to meet her the graduation so all I can guess is that she’s only gets information from him and my older daughter so what are they saying?

So back to the shower:  I caught myself starting that automatic agreement, “Oh no it’s fine, really…” but I stopped myself before I said a single word, looked her in the eye and said “But it’s not, it’s not hard for me at all to have you here.  I’m really glad you came and I’m truly happy for you both.”  I think – I hope – she believed me.  I also told her, to her face, finally, “I would like to be your friend.  I don’t need to be your best friend but I think we should be friendly.”  She seemed OK with that statement and said “Well now you have my number” because she had texted me their RSVP to the shower.  So hopefully this is the beginning of some good communication with her.  I have, since the shower, texted her about an ultrasound that Tina had (all good/normal) and she responded to that so I’ll start with basic communication for now.

At the shower I also thanked the ex for coming and he looked startled and said “Thank you for inviting us” like he was surprised to even have been invited.  He’s so strange.  I don’t hate him, I just don’t have any reason to stay in touch with him and he seems to think that my not reaching out to him is a “refusal to have anything to do with him” and also means I hate him and can’t stand him.

Yes, life is still all about him… <rolling my eyes>  always has been, probably always will be.

After the shower I was emotionally and physically wiped out.  Sadly, I had a good amount of salon appointments the next week and if I had been thinking I would have scheduled all of them for the afternoons but noooo, I had to be at the shop at 11 am every day that week on top of waitressing until 11:30 at night.  The next week I didn’t have hardly any appointments so I did a lot of sleeping in, which really helped me recover my energy.

The week after that was my birthday.  My 45th birthday.  I was NOT excited about it.  There was no party and the only person available to do anything with me on my birthday was my daughter, Tina.  All of my friends here are from work and they were, well, working.  Sean didn’t even ask for the day off (I asked for his birthday off) and I was slightly afraid that I would wind up at dinner with me, Tina and Sean’s mom – not my idea of a good time for my birthday. My parent’s hadn’t contacted me since right after the shower and I didn’t feel like driving to their town and hoping they would have the time to have dinner with me on my birthday. I was going to try to ignore it and just stay home all day but Tina wasn’t having it so at 10 pm the night before I decided to go sapphire hunting.

We live a couple of hours from a sapphire mine so it was a nice day trip and it made spending the day with my daughter my choice instead of my last resort/only option.  We drove over some crazy roads, found 43+ carats of sapphires in our bucket of dirt, had BBQ lunch and visited 2 amazing candy stores and stopped at a couple of waterfalls on the way home.  I had a lot more fun than I expected to and the grumpy mood that I woke up with turned into a fairly cheery disposition.  When we got back to the town we live in she took me to a local restaurant where I consumed 2, count them t-w-o, alcoholic beverages and a couple of appetizers.  The drinks were in pint glasses.  I have never drank so much at one time in my entire life but I still did not get drunk, was not even tipsy and I didn’t even feel buzzed.  But I did let her drive home since she’s preggers and can’t drink anyway.  It was the safe thing to do and I’m all about safety.

I’m beginning to wonder how high my alcohol tolerance is, this could be a fun experiment…

In the end I received lots of birthday greetings on Facebook and some by text message but my father, who I moved to Montana to be closer to, did not wish me a happy birthday at all on the day or anytime after.  Since my step-mother did text me a happy birthday that means that she either told him and he chose not to message me or she didn’t tell him and he forgot.  Either way, it made me sad.

And that pretty much ended August.  Stay tuned for the next post where we talk about me getting back into online dating, waiting on Kevin Costner, my upcoming ocean vacation, the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and new insights about Sean.  😀

My laptop has been trying to die and therefore blogging has been difficult so I will try to catch up since Easter in a brief and succinct fashion… to be brief and amazing, so to speak, ha, ha…

It took almost 6 weeks to get my cosmetology license, after 4 weeks I emailed the state to find out what was taking so long and they replied with “oh, we need more information”.  Apparently they needed confirmation – again – of my Idaho nail license, the same one they already verified to give me my Montana nail license 2 years ago.  Sooo frustrating…  but I requested the information that they required and my license was emailed to me the next day so all’s well that ends well I guess, right?

The day I got my license I started getting sick, which turned out to be the B strain of the flu virus – the worst strain, this year – and kept me out of working both of my jobs for a week – AND – I gave the flu to my pregnant daughter.  That was terrifying for me, the thought that harm may come to her and the baby because of me but she was diagnosed early enough in the course of it that she could take the Tamiflu whereas I was stubborn about going to the doctor and waited too long so I could only tough it out.  I have never been so sick in my life and I feel a wee bit lied to.  I didn’t throw up once so how could it have possibly been the flu?  That’s why I didn’t go to the doctor right away, I thought I just had a bad cold… ugh.  An unfortunate side-effect of having the flu and being out of work for a week was that I could not afford to go to my oldest daughter’s graduation from the little college her church has.  I really wanted to be there to show her that I was there for her, that I am willing to travel and spend the time and money to be as much a part of her life as she will let me and because of a virus she probably thinks that I just didn’t want to go and made up being sick to get out of it.

This whole month of May has been very defeating for me overall…

I’ve gotten better at waitressing and as much as it is NOT the job I want for the rest of my life I have accepted that it pays the bills and is a necessary part of my life for the foreseeable future.  It is also very much like going to the gym and getting paid for being there as it is more exercise than I will ever get cutting hair or doing nails, lol.  The shift in my mindset seems to have improved my service at the restaurant and the managing waitresses have noticed so that is good and tips have been better too so that’s one for the plus side!

Tina and Sean will probably never get back together, that is becoming more and more clear.  Sean seems to have stopped gambling and has cut back his drinking again to focus more on his music and creative endeavors.  They both go to the doctor appointments together and the ultrasounds – she’s having a girl, by the way, I’m so excited! – and they’re getting along fairly well.

Sean and I, on the other hand, have become fairly close.  We communicate almost every day and we are there for each other in life’s little ups and downs.  It bothers Tina something fierce and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it.  He has become a dear friend – nothing more and nothing less – but I don’t want to give that up just to make her feel better.  We all have to get along for the rest of our lives because of the baby, why not get along well?  She is the only one who struggles with he and I getting along.  His mom and I are starting to be friends as well and Tina definitely struggles to have a relationship with Sean’s mom, she is a very black-and-white sort of person and I think it reminds her too much of her father and sister.

I haven’t gone back to FetLife for a while but the Montana man and I have continued emailing.  I found out, after 7 weeks of emailing him, that he was married.  I was starting to think we could be more than friends and so when I found out I immediately friend-zoned him, which he accepted fairly graciously and we have continued to email back and forth several times a week.  I do enjoy having a simple, normal conversation with him – even though he would still like it if we could meet up and “cuddle” – but he is not pushy about it so that’s probably as good as it’s going to get for me right now.

Tina and I were invited, at the last minute, to my father’s birthday dinner and it was nice to see him, my step-mother and my step-sister along with her son and finance.  My step-mother paid for everyone’s meals but ours and then texted me the next day apologizing for the fiance who talked non-stop about the wedding that Tina and I aren’t invited to.  It was a crazy dinner and they all had obviously given my father his gifts earlier, at his home, without us.  I’m sorry I ever moved to Montana to get to know my dad.  He was happy to see Tina and me at his dinner but nobody else was and I cannot get closer to him without his suffering repercussions from his wife so I have less of a relationship with him than ever.  I should have moved to the Oregon Coast like I wanted to, dammit.

But if I had never moved here I would not be having a granddaughter and everything inside me screams that it is very important she exists.  I believe she is going to change the world.  But how?

I am also enjoying living just a few hours from my best friend, instead of the 8 hour drive it was before I moved to Montana.  She still lives in the same city we both moved to after graduating high school and even though I swore to never live there again it has become a tempting thought to me to go back just to be closer to her and other friends from high school, I could have a social life and girlfriends again, maybe even find someone to date…

The beginning of June Tina and I are going to attend my nephew’s high schoo graduation and spend time with my best friend. Also in attendance will be my ex-husband, his wife and my former in-laws. I am not expecting to have a good time at the graduation – or at the BBQ at my own brother’s house afterwards – because of them.  Hopefully I am wrong…

Forgive me, I am not in bright spirits right now.

I signed up on Match.com and it’s been the weirdest thing – when I was on the free dating sites I received  many messages and quite a bit of interest from the men there.  The minute I pay for a membership at a site with a better reputation every little bit of interest dried up like I was suddenly in the middle of the salt flats of Utah.  I finally stepped out of my comfort zone and initiated contact with 5 men.  One of them sent a polite “no thank you” and one responded, we had a coffee date and then he sent me a message saying that we were not a good match.  The other three did not respond at all.

There is a slim chance that a nice man I used to work with likes me.  I feel like he likes me and I have become very fond of him.  He is tall and handsome, a gentle soul, kind of introverted – like me – and a man of few words.  I could love him easily.  The catch is that he is only 26 and I suspect that no matter how much he may like – or love – me, it is not enough to overcome the 18 years of difference between us, something I have been considering in depth recently and have decided that I don’t care about an age gap anymore.  If a man is of a character that I would date him then it doesn’t matter what age he is.

I’m feeling tired, worn out with no end in sight and very, very alone.  Forever alone…

I’m in a tiny town with hardly any chance of meeting anyone new, male or female, for dating or for friendship.  My purpose in moving to Montana has been defeated by my father’s wife.  What’s best for me would to be closer to my support network of my best friend and high school friends but if I move I either lose the closeness I’ve gained with Tina and will miss out on being a part of her daughter’s life – OR – she moves with me, I am never have space of my own again and Sean misses out on being a part of his daughter’s life.  There is no win-win here.  My leaving to better my own life costs other people. My staying costs me but would make sure my daughter has help and support with her infant after delivery will also ensure that the child will be safe and taken care of in spite of the fact that my daughter has little to no experience with children, especially infants.  Both Tina and Sean like to drink and smoke pot.  Tina has not drank a drop since she learned she was pregnant but she continues to smoke cigarettes, although less of them, and she still smokes pot, but again, less of it than before she was pregnant.  Will she go back to these things once she delivers?  Probably.  Will Sean be safe to leave his child in his care or will he drink and smoke pot while he has her?  I firmly believe that he would never purposefully endanger his child but I also wonder if he might think that his taking a hit here, a drink there wouldn’t affect her.

I don’t know and the not knowing is eating away at me.  It traps me here and I am entering another round of depression and hopelessness.  How can I leave and risk my grandchild’s well-being?  Staying feels like I would be, once again, devoting my entire life to another person and, in exchange, giving up any rights to a life of my own.  Somewhat like being trapped in my marriage again.  I don’t want to go back to that place in my head, in my heart again.  But if I don’t what happens to the child?  Tina’s getting pregnant has changed everything.

Everything.

And now everything is about the child. I have to keep her safe.

Yesterday/Monday, was… was… well it was a lot of things.  It was my one and only day off this week so I:

Deposited my check, notarized a will, picked up a hot-spot to make up for my lack of internet at my sister’s apartment and went to the local glass-blowing art studio to ask about getting a couple of dishes custom made for my acrylic powder and monomer.

All of this was on my way to my first counseling appointment at the women’s shelter.  The nice thing was that I’ve seen this counselor last year for about 4 months so it was a lot easier to catch her up to where I’m at currently than if we had never met before.  One of the questions she asked is why I’m still meeting with my husband, what am I trying to accomplish by continuing to meet with him like this? 

I pondered her question all the way to the new nail salon I’m trying to get a job at.  I met with the owners, two brothers and a sister. I did a pedicure on one of the brothers and I did an acrylic fill on the sister.  The other brother said they would need to talk amongst themselves because they are all partners but he thought everybody liked me and would let me know if I can work there soon.  It’s a MUCH better salon, everything is super sanitary, much more upscale and spa-like than where I’m at now but in spite of the higher quality most of the services are only about $5 more expensive than where I’m at now.  The owner stressed repeatedly how much they are a family and if I came to work there I would be joining their family.  The comission is also 10% higher…  I REALLY want to work there!  The downside is that it’s a new salon, only been open for about 2 months, so they’re not very busy yet.  I asked if they thought I would be able to take home at least $200/week to cover my bills and they said yes so I’m willing to give them a shot.  Hopefully they’ll give me a shot as well!

When that was done I texted my husband that I would be late to our scheduled 5 pm meeting because I was still trying out at the new salon.  His response?  “As you wish”.  That should be this romantic reference to the Princess Bride but from him all I sense is sarcasm every time he says it.  Ugh.  I called him when I was done at the new salon to let him know that I was enroute to our meeting and his voice was terse and I felt like he was upset with me.  I arrived at our dinner location to find him waiting, as stoic as ever and oozing negativity.  Ugh again.  I ordered my meal – I have got to stop buying lots of food when we meet like this because as usual, I had about four bites and then lost my appetite so that was $20 bucks down the drain – and then we sat down to talk because this was a “talking meeting”. 

He said I called the meeting so what did I want to talk about, I asked him to tell me his thoughts/response to my letter defining emotional abuse and explaining why our relationship qualified as abusive.  The long and short of it is that he continues to believe that he was not abusive and has never abused me.

Apparently to him abuse is defined by whether or not the intention of the abuser is to be abusive or not.

I began to realize we will never see eye to eye on this topic.  And even though we didn’t bring up this time, we will never be on the same page regarding his church either.

Once again he pushed me for a commitment to restoring our marriage.  I finally told him, flat out, that the answer is no.  I am not committed to restoring our marriage and I do not want to be married to him any more.

That Guy tried to show up again but I didn’t fall for it this time.

He didn’t laugh in my face but it certainly felt like he was amused.  He said “Why Are You Here?  Clearly, you haven’t filed any paperwork yet so you must want this to work out in a corner of your heart.”

Time stopped.  Having been asked the same question twice in the same day demands an answer.  Why WAS I there?  What on earth was it I was trying to accomplish by being there, by agreeing to meet with him weekly?

I’ve been doing lots of soul-searching in the last 24 hours, trying to come up with whatever it is that won’t let me just let it go and move on.  I think I know but I’m going to kick it around for another day or two before I write it down.

I passed the State Boards and am now a licensed Nail Technician!  Whoo hoo!

When I went on the Happy Pills it was partly because I sincerely believed I would be stuck in my call center job for at least another year before I could pay my school bill and be allowed to take the State Boards.  I was able to sell my sole possession of value the morning of the deadline to register for the Boards and had to take an extra half hour lunch to run the money to school one half hour before the deadline closed – I made it by the skin of my teeth and was walking on Sunshine, baby!

Then I got nervous.  The one thing I had never learned to do in school was Silk Wraps and they are a part of the Boards.  My only opportunity to go back to school and practice was 4 days before the Boards and I wound up having about 3 hours there, that was it!  Normally the school will have “Mock Boards” and take several hours and walk you through it one step at a time but because I was working I didn’t have a chance to do any of those.

My nervousness was not from being afraid I might fail the actual tests but rather that I might miss a step due to all the little requirements, regulations and red tape involved…

All my supplies had to be in individual ziplock baggies, one bag for each test.  All the supplies had to fit into a container with a lid that was no more than a certain size.  Sanitizing was key so I had to remember to sanitize my hands – and my plastic practice hand – before each procedure.  If I forgot to put a supply item in the baggie it was needed for it was tough luck because there was no getting back into your supply box once you’ve set up for each test.

I had to bring my plastic practice hand to the Boards with a set of nails already applied to it.  That was a difficult feat in itself because, as I found out the hard way, superglue does not hold the tips to the practice hand.  At. All.  Fortunately for me a quick search of husband’s garage yielded a suitable epoxy type glue that held the nails on very nicely.  In fact, those nails will stay on the practice hand until the end of time because the glue is that good!  So me and my practice hand (I decided to call it Gertrude) went to the State Boards and the first thing I had to do was give Gerty a manicure.  Halfway through the manicure portion I realized that I Had This and my nervousness went away – mostly.  The next test involved gluing a plastic tip onto the plastic tip I had already epoxied to Gertrude’s ring finger.  How hard can it be, right?  Ha!  Supposedly you’re supposed to file the new tip into the natural nail (by hand) so that there are no bumps or ridges at the seam.  (I say supposedly because the girl next to me didn’t seem to blend her tip at all.)  In my zealousness to get it “just right” I over filed my seam and took a big ‘ole chunk out of it.  The tip was still glued to the “natural nail” just fine but my smile line was completely ruined and so I tried to file the rest of the seam to match my over filing and finally had to quit when I realized that if I kept going I would wind up filing the whole darn tip off completely!  But it sure was smooth…  After that we applied the silk wrap to the middle finger, which I felt that I did a good job on, and then we sculpted an acrylic nail on the pointer finger using an odorless acrylic product.  That odorless stuff is weird!  And did I think to practice using it before the State Boards?  Nooooooooo…    However, I did manage to produce a good looking sculpted tip, if I do say so myself.  Finally I had to polish all of Gerty’s nails with a red nail polish.  Of all the tests this is the one that just about killed me.  Why you ask?  Because Gertrude is not real.  If she was her hand would be flexible and soft.  Her fingers would separate and move up and down, I would, in fact, be able to push four of them out of the way while I work on the fifth.  But Gerty, in all her plastic glory, is stiff and unmovable, somewhat like the Rock of Gibraltar, and while I was painting the third of the five fingers I smeared the first one!  And it just got worse from there…  Now each of these tests have a time limit and when the time is up you stop working, done or not, so I’m very frustrated that I keep smearing the best polish job of my life, getting nervous because the time’s running out, which made me smear even more… it was a viscous  circle!  In the end I managed to rescue my polish job and it was almost perfect.   The instructors smiled at me and even though they were not allowed to speak to any of us I felt like they approved and that I had done a good job, which was confirmed three days later when I saw on the website that I had passed, whoo hoo!

I also passed the written score with flying colors and IMMEDIATELY gave my notice to the call center.  That felt Sooooo Good!  Two days ago I started working at a salon and it’s been fun and exciting.  All the other girls who work there seem nice and willing to help me improve my skills so I’m very happy to be there.  This has truly been a Game Changer for me and I’m looking forward to the future!

Oh the joys of being me!  Here’s the roller coaster ride of feelings I  had today:

Overwhelmed
A Failure
Anger
Weary to the bone
Incapable
Suicidal
Hopeless
Unworthy
Faith-less (as in having no faith, not as in being unfaithful)
Rejected
Doubt
Alone
Zero endurance
Panic

OK, so that’s not really a roller coaster ride, that’s a gravity drop ride…

Today was horrible.  The fourth ten-hour work day in a row is always hard on me but this particular Monday at the call center there was non-stop calls from 11:30 am to 7:30 pm, just back-to-back-to-back, with a much higher than average ratio of mean customers than normal.  Seriously people, it’s not my fault you don’t open and/or read your statements and therefore “forget” to pay your bills on time or get interest charges from failing to pay off your promotional financing offers before they expire!

I started my day tired, cried off and on throughout the day because of my customers attitudes and comments and ended the day exhausted and yet, obviously, unable to sleep.  During my shift today I wrote several “Goodbye World” notes in my head – trying to decide what to put on Facebook to make the appropriate people feel guilty and how could I contact my youngest daughters only nice ex-boyfriend to ask him to look in on her when I’m gone.  At some point I realized my thinking was pretty messed up, which only made it worse because then the feelings of “I have no business being a parent” kicked in and only made the urge to off myself stronger.  I really began to feel like I would be doing the world – and especially my children – a favor by not being here.  Towards the end of my workday the calls slowed down and I became a little more rational.  Yes, stop freaking out, I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to get back on some form of anti-depressant because there really is something terribly wrong with me.  (I’m sure that someday this blog will wind up in a clinical textbook about depression and I’ll be reduced to nothing more than a case study, although that’s probably all I am to some of you anyway…)  I fantasize that my doctor will place me on disability because my jobs stress me out so much, but that is just one more fairy tale that will never come true.

I contemplated my faith, or current lack thereof, today.  As a child I loved God with all my heart.  As a teenager I was desperate for the peace my church promised I would have if only I followed God faithfully and did my very best to be a Good Girl.  After high school I began to see that reality was not the life I was told it would be as a Christian.  As a young married wife I slipped further and further away from believing the Christian ideal and now I’m wondering if God would even notice all that much if I cut that last thread and left Him altogether.  But if I don’t believe in God what’s left to believe in?

I have a jewelry open house this Saturday, trying to raise money to pay my school tuition and although I created a Facebook event and invited 50 of my Facebook “friends” to it I haven’t had a single response, yea or nay.  Which leads me to doubt that any of them will come because when everything shakes out I really don’t have “friends”, I have acquaintances.  Lots and lots of acquaintances.  I’ve chased most all the people who might have considered being my friend away by virtue of being mentally disturbed, distrustful and insecure.  I feel so alone, like there’s no one who will help me get out of this hole I’m in and I don’t think I can get out of it myself but I keep trying.  I really want to delete all my so-called friends and actually be as alone as I feel I am but I know I will regret it in the future.  I’m not sure why I’ll regret it but I just know that at some point I will…

My husband, who does woodworking, is all excited for my open house and has been making hand-crafted wooden pens this last week for me to take and try to sell at my fundraiser.  Not to help me get my tuition paid but to get him money to buy more wood because he wants to start a woodworking business from home.

A friend made sure to point out that her contribution to my efforts was limited to prayer.  Good grief, I’m not asking for charity – although standing on the side of the road with a sign asking for donations will probably make me more money than all my efforts to actually earn it will so I may do that soon too – but I wasn’t trying to guilt her into buying anything from me either.  It’s probably me just reading between lines that aren’t there again.  With her it seems like it’s always me reading between those damn invisible lines, I’m always wrong about something.

And that’s the core of what I always come back to.  It’s not you, it’s me.  It’s always something wrong with me.  I’m broken, I’m damaged, I’m wrong, wrong, wrong.  I can’t do anything right.  It’s true, that is my mother’s voice!  She has so much to answer for – although being dead she probably has answered for it by now…  Unfortunately I’m still sorting through all the crap she instilled in me growing up.  I’m 40 and finally realizing that most of it IS crap but I feel like the old dog you can’t teach new tricks to – how do I change the way I think?  The way I feel?  The way I respond to life?  The easier way out is death but honestly I’m a coward.  Too scared to die, not brave enough to live.  Clinging to the mushroom life because the evil that I know is easier than the good that I don’t know.

People in my church avoid me – and to be fair I avoid them now too.  The few that used to speak to me don’t any more and I feel like I’ve been given up as “lost”.  That I’m not worth their efforts anymore.  That I’m beyond “saving”.  That I could change if I would just decide to change.  My suicide would only cause them to “tsk, tsk, tsk” and think in their hearts that they were right.  My staying alive is the only way I would possibly dare to spit in their eye – and that’s pretty good motivation right now.

The next step is to get out of this job and start being a Nail Tech.  Right now I can’t deal with more than one goal.  Raise $1900 to pay my school bill, pass the state boards and start working as a Nail Tech.  After that, who knows?  Maybe reaching one goal will give me the courage to accomplish another goal, like leaving this church with or without my husband.

Okie dokie, so it’s been just over a month since my last post and I’m not even sure what I’ve blogged about and what I haven’t…  I’ll start with this – I’M DOING GREAT!

I’m not trying to say my life is perfect because it isn’t, but everything is soooo much better, wow!  A little recap:  I lost my job in the beginning of September, was denied unemployment, started beauty school in the middle of September, my car blew up, my appeal for unemployment was successful and I received everything I was owed from the day I lost my job forward, started a full-time job with great benefits in the middle of November, going to school part-time before I go to work, we had friends over for Thanksgiving and this is my last week of orientation at the new job.  Whew!

On top of all that I am completely off all prescription medication – no sleeping pills, no anti-depressants and no anti-anxiety medication anymore for this girl!  Also – no more counseling or psychiatrist visits!  Life has done a one-eighty for me, the only downside being that I have gained 14 pounds since I started my new job almost 5 weeks ago, ugh…

Financially things are still pretty hairy, we’re recovering from six weeks of only one income so all of our monthly bills are behind – including our mortgage which is 3 months past due – and we actually had to open bank accounts somewhere else because we were so far overdrawn in all our accounts…  😦  So, yeah, life is still kind of scary at times when it comes to money BUT I know it’s going to work out and be OK.  I get my second paycheck from the new job this week and the biggest challenge will be sticking to our budget while at the same time trying to entertain my husband’s parents for a week or so during Christmas.  Gotta love family, eh?

My girls seem to be getting along quite nicely, which is fabulous.  My husband got a second job delivering pizzas on the weekends which has been a great source of pocket cash for extra expenses and I’m very proud of him for working so hard for us.

Speaking of “us”, he and I have been steadily improving too.  Last February I gave him an ultimatum and two months to kick his addiction to pornography and get his act together.  I have to say that I honestly did not expect him to pull it off.  I thought that I would be well on my way to being single by now but he really surprised me.  The amount of effort he has put into saving our marriage and becoming a better human being, man, father and husband has truly shocked me, it really has.  I’m so very impressed and wish I had stood up for myself a long time ago, although it may not have had the same results 10 years ago as it did this last year…

And while words can’t really express how pleased and proud of him I am, now we get to the storm cloud of my silver lining – because nobody’s life can be all rainbows and unicorns, eh?  I’ve recently discovered that now my heart has some changing to do.  It was very unflattering to discover exactly how much of me wanted my husband to fail so I could finally get a divorce – be free! – and it would be his fault.  I think (now) that has been the biggest reason I never left, it couldn’t be my fault that my marriage didn’t work.  Twisted logic, I know, but consider my upbringing:  My mom left my dad when I was in grade school and I never thought she should have, I always believed their marriage could have been saved if she had tried harder and the things I learned after I became an adult only supported that belief – making the divorce her fault – and I have done everything I could think of to be as little like my mom as possible.

I think God used my faulty reasoning for good.  If I had left when I “should have”, according to some people, none of this would have happened.  My husband wouldn’t be a nice guy now.  My children wouldn’t have this fun-filled relationship with their father, full of teasing, smiles and laughter and none of us would have experienced how completely God can change a life.  There are still some days that aren’t great but those days are much fewer and farther between than they were even just a year ago.  I KNOW that everything is going to be OK now!

So all in all I am ecstatic to be off my medications…  I’m thrilled with my school and new job…  I am excited about my children’s improved relationship with each other…  I am in shock and awe of the “new man” I have for a husband…  I’m a little nervous about our finances…  and I am trusting in God to complete the work He started.

I think this is a good place to end a year and begin a new one.

OK, so maybe it started in August and ran over a bit into October…  Here’s the rundown, and my apologies for not having blogged for so long but I think you’ll understand:

August 27th – I turn 40.  (Not entirely bad news, it’s just a number, right?)

August 30th – Our washer and dryer died.

September 1st – Our hot water heater caught on fire and needed replacing.

September 4th – I lost my job and signed up for unemployment.

September 9th – We are not eligible for food stamps.

September 13th – GOOD NEWS!   I signed up to attend a beauty school’s Nail Technician program with my husband’s somewhat skeptical blessing.  I’m tired of the office life!  I have wanted to be a Nail Technician since I was in my early 20’s but the money and the time to go to beauty school never made it to my house at the same time so to make money I did what I was best at, answering phones and office work… for 20 years…  and now the opportunity of a lifetime, a miracle has come my way!

 September 16th – MORE ABOUT THE SAME GOOD NEWS!  My first day “back to school” and it was soooo weird after over 20 years.  I brought my paper, pen and pencil and I was so excited that my girls made fun of me and I didn’t care a bit!   I should graduate sometime in January of 2014 so it’s roughly four-and-a-half months and almost every day so far has flown by – I go home feeling like I had FUN at school, I really love what I’m learning!

 September 20th – My unemployment claim was denied.  (I am appealing it.)

September 21st – Our oldest daughter turned 18 and we had this HUGE party planned for over 3 months with 10 people invited… guess who spent money, lots and lots of money, that we didn’t have?

September 24th – I lost my phone.

October 2nd – My car died.  Dead.  Seized engine dead.  Over-sized paper-weight dead.  Tacky Red Neck Lawn Art Dead.  Walk to school and be late and then wonder how I’m going to get home dead.  Dead dead.

You know, sometimes so many bad things happen in such a short amount of time that all you can do is sit back and giggle hysterically.  That’s pretty much where I’ve been.  To tell the truth I’m kind of sitting back wondering what else could go wrong and thinking I might want to grab a soda and popcorn to watch the next disaster go down…

But in spite of all that something really good that has happened through all this.  I’m actually  very happy right now, strangely happy right now given all the above circumstances.  I don’t think I need my depression pills any more kind of happy, weird huh?  Somehow, for the first time since I was a child I 100% believe that God is fully in control and everything is going to be OK.  Not Never-Going-To-Have-Another-Problem-For-The-Rest-Of-My-Life-OK but All-My-Needs-Will-Be-Met-And-Taken-Care-Of-OK.  I actually have more peace and trust in God more now than I did when I had my job and was making good money!  Have you ever heard “Blessings” by Laura Story?  I feel like I’m living it…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  I KNOW everything is going to be OK and I haven’t felt that way for a long time.  I guess if this is what it took to get me to this amazing, emotionally stable place then I wish it would have happened earlier!

What my life looks like now:
I’m looking for a job I can do after school and on weekends.
I’m trying to get my Pampered Chef business to make us some money.  (I had two shows last month, whoo hoo!)
I’m wondering how I’m going to make up the two house payments and numerous utility bills that we’re behind on.
I’m driving the car my nearby best friend is selling me on payments.
I found a cheaper phone plan and my entire family has new phone numbers <aggravating> so now I don’t have to find my other phone, lol!
We replaced the washer and dryer with used ones but unfortunately had to buy a new hot water heater.
Starting next week I’ll be ready to give manicures and pedicures to paying customers at school now so hopefully I will start getting tips!

Life is life.  God is God.  God is bigger than Life.  Life is going to be OK.   🙂

Or at least that was a saying when I was a child.  I always thought it was just because people who thought they were Righteous needed a reason to explain why they never got any rest without having to place themselves in the Wicked category.  I would like some rest… does that make me Wicked?

I haven’t blogged for a while.  So let’s try for a quick update – while my life has been pretty good since my last blog (hence the lack of writing – does that make me a whiner?) here is what I remember:

SUPER GOOD – I went to Reno with my best friend from high school and we had an SOO MUCH FUN together, we even went down to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon.  I saw my child exactly once for about 5 minutes as I brought her breakfast the first morning.  She never did tell me when and where they were going to perform so I didn’t get to see it.  I did not come home with a tattoo <slightly sad about that> but I’m still thinking really hard about getting one.  The best news ever is that my daughter did not get any migraines requiring me to take her to the ER but I’m still glad I went!

OK – I have continued to see my husband’s counselor with him, this last session wasn’t terribly productive, I think the counselor talks a little bit too much about his own life that I don’t see as applying to us but he did manage to bring up a question or two that was good food for thought until the next meeting.  That hour goes fast.  Thank goodness for the EAP program or I’d feel like I was wasting my money on the co-pays, ugh!

SAD – One week before school ended my youngest (musical) daughter, who has poured her heart into the three music classes she’s taken this year, was cut from her very favorite class, the jazz choir, exactly 5 minutes after her boyfriend dumped her so she had a miserable last week of school but she is very glad it’s over and seems to be feeling better about it now.  I’m debating on whether or not I should say anything to the choir teacher.  Half of me is mad at him, I’m upset that he seems to be unwilling to deal with the issues that go along with her head injury, I feel like he doesn’t believe she has a real medical condition and dropped her because he thinks she’s a flake.  The other part of me is relieved I don’t have to fight with him for another year about being a chaperone on all of her out-of-town trips and just plain ole doesn’t to talk to him anymore.  Yes, I’m a very non-confrontational person which means if I’m confronting you I’m usually VERY UPSET with you.

BAD AND GOOD – My husband has made great improvements in becoming a nicer guy but now that the two month “probation” period has been over by a couple of months most the things that he was doing to prove to me that he loved me for more than sex have pretty much evaporated.  All the “romantic” stuff is completely gone, he hasn’t given me a back rub in almost two months, hasn’t opened my car door for at least a month and I’m pretty sure that all his compliments dried up a couple of days after the two months was over.  In short, we’re very nearly back to where we were before the two-months except for a few certain things.  He has become more relaxed about my being late, which is one of his biggest buttons that I constantly seem to be pushing because I’m just not a very on-time person – never have been.  Also, he’s been quicker to apologize to both me and our children when he has spoken to one of us in “high emotion”, I’m getting a nice email from him almost every day at work and he is definitely being more open about how he feels when I ask him.  I know changing your entire self is difficult and I can see that he’s working hard at it so I’ll be content with the relationship we have for now.  No promises from me that this marriage will last forever but we just passed our 19th anniversary, that’s a pretty good record in this day and age.

BAD – I thought my job was going quite well… until I received an Employee Improvement Plan two weeks ago.  Apparently I have a month (two more weeks at this point ) to stop making mistakes or I will be “Disciplined or Terminated”.  Oh goody.  I think what’s really going on is I’ve not been “good enough” for a couple of the attorneys that hold some power in this office and they want me gone but we’ll see in the middle of July how that goes.  I can only do my best.  As punishment for my past mistakes (or perhaps so they can snoop through my desk easier) they took away my flex schedule which gave me a half day every Monday and I worked until 6 pm Tues – Fri so I could still have a full 40 hours.  I’m thinking that by my leaving at 5 pm they don’t have to stay until 6:30 to look through my work and check up on me – now they only have to stay until 5:30, ha, ha.  Unfortunately for me, I felt like I did my best work during that peaceful, quiet, uninterrupted hour between 5 and 6 pm when hardly anyone was in the office.  That’s definitely not going to help me during this month’s probation at all.  Can you get unemployment when you’re fired for “Unsatisfactory Job Performance after almost two years of employment?”  If I lose my job I lose my benefits and neither I or my daughter can get the medicine we need to stay on top of our medical conditions so yeah, I’m a little stressed.  Maybe I can start a daycare in my home…  although I did find a job with the County that I think I’ll apply for, the cut-off date for applications is right about the time my month of probation should end, then maybe I can give my two weeks at that meeting instead of getting fired, wouldn’t that be nice?

GREAT – I received and finished a transcription job last weekend and am waiting for the check to come, hopefully this week.  It should go straight to bills but I want to keep a little bit of fun money out for myself.  Is that wrong?  I earned it, 100%.  It’s outside my job and outside the budget… if only we weren’t so behind, ugh!

FUN – Speaking of being behind I have become a consultant for a direct sales company and am trying to get that going for  some extra cash.  I love having the “parties” with good food and meeting new people, hopefully this will help pull me out of the doldrums as well as help us get out of debt.

REFLECTING – So all in all my life has been, and continues to be a roller-coaster.  I appreciate everyone who follows my blog, I hope you’re getting more out of it than I am, lol!  I’m just writing it all down to sort it out, re-organize it and decide how I feel about it before absorbing my life’s events back into my head again.  Kind of like when you clean Grandma’s basement.  It’s so packed with stuff piled everywhere that the best way to deal with it is to pull piles out of the room, sort them into your Keep, Donate and Toss piles and then put the Keep stuff back in the room, pull another pile out and do it all over again.  That is what this blog is for me.  That oddball space where I can pull things out, write them down and try to decide how I feel about them, what emotions connected to each event should I Keep and which should I Toss.

And there I am, laid out bare for you to see.  What do you see by the way?  I hardly ever get feedback on my posts…  Am I just an interesting read and ya’ll go off talking about the crazy lady online when you’re done?  Talk to me…what are your thoughts about what I should do next?  Help please!

I have been looking for something positive to write about for the last week because  I’m tired of moaning and groaning about my life when I know so many other people have far worse circumstances than I.  However, I’ve been completely exhausted and unable to do much more than go to work, come home and go to bed.  In spite of my exhaustion here are some of the silver linings I have found recently:

1.  People at work like me.  Granted, I bring a lot of candy to give away but I think that just catches their attention and helps them notice how quick I am to help them out with special requests, etc.  I smile and they smile back.  Some days it’s a lot more gratifying to be at work, than at home, let me tell you!
2.  Because the Mean Girl at work quit I got a seat by the window (a somewhat exclusive and prestigious position… no extra pay, unfortunately)
3.  Because the Mean Girl at work left a really Nice Girl is joining our team.  She’s a very happy person and I’m looking forward to the positive impact she should have on the atmosphere of our little group.
4.  My husband really is trying to be amazingly nice.  It frequently turns into him being nice to me to get nice things for himself but I’m choosing to give him grace and  continue chalking it up to his addiction – at least for a while longer – and see if that change comes to that are of his life as much as the rest of him has changed.
5.  Tomorrow (technically today) is Easter – I have baskets all ready for the girls and my husband and they’re just going to have to share with me.  I even have eggs to hide but we’ll see if I have the strength to do that or if I just  make the girls hide them for each other – that could be fun too!
6.  I work the morning shift this coming Monday and when I get home I should be able to just jump into bed – my bed is warm, soft and fluffy.  I LOVE, love, love having the bed all to myself for naps.
7.  My roses are beginning to bud and I need to trim them soon.  I adore sweet smelling roses that are bi-colored and can’t wait to add to my collection in front of the house this year.
8.  We went to my favorite restaurant for lunch today.  It was far, far out of the budget but I didn’t care.  I was fighting a panic attack, felt like I could die at any moment (no, I didn’t tell them that) and wanted my favorite food so the whole family went and we had all the meat we could eat of all different cuts, marinade’s and styles, rotisseried pineapple with a brown sugar glaze, a little bit of salad (why on earth did I pick the salad? I should have just stuck with the meats) and creme brulee(sp?).  It was fantastic and I could have died a happy woman the moment we walked (rolled) out of the front doors.   If I ever become a bad girl, go to prison and  get executed I know exactly what I want for my last meal.  In the meantime, however, I’ll remain a good girl and continue to eat there whenever possible.
9.  My husband was very concerned that I did not feel well today.  He kept asking if he could help and was there anything he could do, I think I scared him more than usual, either that or he’s paying more attention than usual to how I’m actually feeling.  It was very nice and helped me feel better, at least a little bit anyway.
10.  My husband is not (totally) the horrible guy you may think he is from all my previous posts.  He’s trying very hard to be a nice guy, a better guy and he is noticeably more supportive to me now than ever before in our marriage.  The Two Month period ends on Friday so we’ll just see what happens.  I have more hope now than I did when we started this adventure, ha, ha, on Feb 6th.  God knows if this will work out in the end or not and I’m learning to trust Him with everything, just like I did as a child.  At the moment, all I want to do is sleep forever…

Everybody’s life sucks at one point or another – what are the silver linings in your life?

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